Living with loss, yet experiencing hope…

Dear friends, this always seems an exquisitely beautiful but melancholy time of year. The leaves of the trees are a myriad of soft yellow, orange and brown, but are flying in the breeze and landing on the ground, leaving branches bare and lonely. Sunlight makes it a luminous time, but there is also a sense of transition and loss.

After much prayer and pondering, I am inviting you to a book promotion evening on 7th November at 7 for 7.30pm at St George’s Tron Church, 163 Buchanan Street, G1 2JX. I am a little anxious about this, but trusting that this is the right choice, so please bear with me as I explain why.

I started writing about 5 years ago, after the death of my husband Colin, who was a veteran. His story was untold, and I felt compelled to honour his memory by writing ‘ Love song for a wounded warrior’ so his writing about his service in Northern Ireland could be published, alongside our struggles as a family, to try to support him. I was so grateful to Jock Stein and Handsel press for publishing this.

I started to blog about my attempts to process my grief and trauma, complicated by other family losses and then the pandemic. The isolation, sadness and questioning were very real, and I wanted to form an online community where people knew that they were not alone in their sorrow.

This lead to a second book ‘ Love songs for healing and hope’ published last year. It is a compilation of blogs, personal stories of others facing personal challenges and sadnesses, and of resources offered to help others who are struggling.

The idea behind this is just to support others who have experienced complex loss and trauma, and to say to people that they are not alone, and that they are loved. As a Christian, these are devotional resources, but are offered to all, to encourage healing of wounds, and hope that things can get better one day.

For various reasons, I have not given this book much publicity, and feel called by God to do so. Especially in this period leading up to Christmas when memories are so raw, and grief so strong, this seems a significant time to offer this resource.

If you would like to buy a copy, please email woundedwarriorfg@gmail.com The book is £15 plus £2.30 postage. All proceeds go to two charities- Quiet Waters Counselling service, based in Camelon, and Richmond’s Hope, that provides support for children and young people who have been bereaved. Or come along to our promotional evening, where there will be a presentation about the book, and an opportunity for questions.

Thankyou for reading this. It is such a tiny contribution to such an important area, it seems like just a pebble thrown in the ocean. But my prayer is that the ripples might bring healing and hope to others, and that somehow this might make a difference.

Gracious God, in autumn, we let go of so many things, of our old ways of thinking, of our faded hopes and dreams, of expectations and assumptions. They end up like the soggy leaves at the bottom of the forest floor. It is painful and messy. Yet Lord Jesus, after a long time of gruelling winter, you bring new buds, possibilities of growth and hope. Whatever stage we find ourselves in life this day, even if it is a weepy out of sorts day, may we find strength to keep hoping, to find connection with others, and with God, safe places of lament and listening and solace, of deep healing and peace. May God provide all that we need, and the sweet encouragement of his holy spirit, until the light of hope burns strongly once more. Amen.

Lindisfarne sunrise!

I have been so very privileged to spend a weekend on Lindisfarne. I prayed about where I was to be, and a wonderful and encouraging lady called Kay and the URC church was to be an answer to my prayer! A long story, and a miracle allowed me to be here. God provided for me so perfectly, I am astounded.

I was so very tired coming here, weighed down by the cares of the world. But here in this holy island, with a history of hundreds of years of prayer, the gift of peace was given. Reading about the Lindisfarne gospels, imagining the life of the Christian community here, being at St Cuthbert’s Island have been inspiring.

And then the weather- windy, cold but clear and sunny has suited me. Long walks watching the changes of the tide, and the roar of the sea have been breathtaking.

The waves have been so mighty, they have looked like white hedgehogs moving across the ocean, stirring up ever changing foam tapestries in every direction. Phenomenal!

So many verses are coming back to me, but especially from psalm 67:

‘ May God be gracious to us and bless us, and make His face shine upon us.’

When we see the sun rise over the horizon, it is a sign of hope. Whatever the darkness of the previous day has been, today we have a new beginning. God wants us to learn from the past, to find healing, and to then to bless us. The sunrise brings rays of light, and is a tangible sign of a new way forward.

Gracious God, thank You for the way that You provide for your people, in such perfect forms, and for the ways that your holy spirit is at work. Even when we have been lost in darkness, Your light still shines upon us.

We also thank you for your mercies, which are new every morning, for your holy spirit who breathes new life into us though prayer, reflection and the beauty of your creation. Thank you for places of pilgrimage, where we can retreat, and find shelter, rest and restoration. Bring refreshment to all who are weary, and may your beautiful light bring inspiration and blessing, hope and courage for each new day, Amen.

Post funeral blues!

In the weeks after a funeral, it all feels a bit surreal. You have done the paperwork, and made the arrangements. You have said goodbye, and given thanks for the person’s life. You have shared stories and memories.

But then comes the next bit, when people say you are ‘getting back to normal’. You go through some of the familiar routines- outwardly it seems the same. But there are gapping holes and jagged edges- you go to phone the person, but they are not there. You see something you know they would have been interested in, and make a mental note to share it, but there is no opportunity.

My mum passed away over a month ago, and I didn’t want her to suffer, and so her passing was the better option. I give thanks for her, as she was a wonderful mum to me, and an amazing gran to my son. But life will never be the same again.

So many people walk around with invisible wounds. Grief is so raw, but there is no outward mark. You walk around, and people look normal, but everything feels upside down. You have to relearn how to live, how to spend that now empty part of your day.

We all know that in time, new rhythms of life will emerge. Memories now tinged with sadness will be retrieved with less pain. More positive reminiscences re- emerge. A balance will come back.

God holds is in our grief and tears, as we mourn and process our losses. At times we start the day strong, but an unexpected phonecall or letter brings a fresh wave of anguish. It can feel as if we experience the loss anew.

‘ Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted’ Matthew 5:4

God so often shows us evidences of grace even we are at our lowest ebb- a prayer spoken, a message of support, fresh flowers, an unexpected kindness, a rainbow in the sky. Grief cannot be rushed, we have to take each heavy step, but there are flowers in the verges, and we are given the strength we need.

I think we also need to learn to be kind to ourselves, to forgive, to say no when we need to, and to know that just sitting staring into space, can be just fine. Being patient with ourselves, gives us space to lament, and then to heal.

Gracious God, grieving can be so exhausting. We can be sad about many things. But we are not alone. Lord Jesus, You walk with us, and when we are downcast, You lift our heads, when we are burdened, You carry what is heavy for us. Thankyou that even in surreal days of uncertainty and pain, You send your holy spirit, and You bring us solace and remind us that hope is not gone. Teach us to show unreserved kindness to all who are silently nursing painful wounds, and to extend that kindness even to ourselves. In Jesus’ name, Amen

Cherishing the sparrow

Many of you are aware that I have had a bereavement in these recent weeks. It was not unexpected, and yet it seems so painful. There always seems that element of shock and disbelief, like you have entered into a nightmare from which you hope to awaken. Images and conversations replay in your head, and keep you awake.

I have so much to be thankful for. Now my loved one does not suffer any longer, and God’s grace has been immense. I am deeply thankful for their life and all that they mean to me.

Times of bereavement bring such disquiet, old memories resurface, questions emerge, and reflection becomes essential. At these times, we all need space to process and to grieve, to gain perspective.

I am so grateful for that bible verse that tells that God sees even the smallest most ordinary bird, and that there is a home for these tiny birds in His house. He also says in Matthew 10: 30a to 31 ‘ aren’t you worth much more to God than many sparrows. So don’t worry. For your Father cares deeply about even the smallest detail of your life’ ( the Passion translation).

Even in the midst of pain and bereavement, God knows our situation, sees our tears and heals us. What happens to us matters. We might feel insignificant and unseen, but we have a God who sees us, and loves and cherishes us. What a wonderful God we have, what a compassionate Saviour, who loves us with a generous and extravagant love. Even in the darkest night, he hears our cries, and ge answers.

All seeing God, you are good and loving and kind, You are the Creator of all things, and yet You notice the humble sparrow in the hedgerow, the workings of ants, and hear the plaintive bleat of a lamb lost on the hillside. Lord Jesus, You are the Saviour of the world, yet you notice our struggles, love us even in our darkest days, offer forgiveness for our sins, and give us a new beginning every morning. Even in time if pain and lament, You are with us, and your holy spirit brings consolation and healing, Your presence provides for us a place of attentive safety, where we can unburden our souls. We bring to You our praise and deep thanksgiving for who You are, and rest content in your loving arms, Amen

Hospital lifts!

Recently I have spent a little bit of time travelling in hospital lifts. They have a character all of their own.

This one in the picture is not working- hence the no entry sign. Hospital lifts often seem to be in need of care- maybe that symbolises that whole character of the place, much love and healing needed.

Lifts literally bring people together, unless you prefer the many stairs. So you find yourself in a rectangular box with a microcosm of humanity. There are the worried people with plastic bags, taking up more washing to a loved one, the parent and child clutching a take away coffee and hand drawn picture, the person out of breath after running up the hill, the person sneaking out for a smoke, and the defeated person standing gazing into space in the corner.

There are snatches of conversation- he was worse today, so confused- the parking machine wasn’t working- I don’t know why the doctor said that. And then in the middle of it all, the excited family with pink balloons, welcoming the arrival of a newborn.

It is a place of silence and story- some too weary to speak, others telling you about the phonecall they got, and that they have been up since 5am. Some are full of hope for the success of that operation, others fearing the worst.

It has struck me that this is sacred ground. It is a place where kindness is everything, holding a lift door open, a smile, a listening ear. In the aching sadness and exuberant joy, all contained in that small rectangle, there is opportunity to love and to show support.

It reminds me that everyday, we can choose to adopt the values of God, as outlined in Colossians 2:12-13 ‘ since God chose you to be holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you.’ May we always be clothed in that gracious kindness and tenderhearted mercy, even in a hospital lift!

Gracious God, so many people are hurting and in pain, so many in hospital and at home, who are bewildered, upset or weary. We have such a privilege to show others the love of Christ, when they need that word in season, a word of understanding, support or encouragement. Holy spirit, even when we ourselves are weary, help us to choose to love, to make one person feel heard and valued. Bless all who work in health care, those who are patients, those who visit. May the balm of Gilead flow, through all, through doctors, nurses, auxiliaries and chaplains, and may there be an awareness that this is sacred ground, in Jesus name, Amen

Dark clouds and shards of light!

The weather has been so unpredictable recently. Patches of sunshine, monsoon rains and then stormy. We see evidence of the beginning of global warming every day.

Sometimes we know that there are dark clouds on the horizon. They can seem threatening, even menacing. We wonder how to endure.

Yet there are often shards of light breaking through the clouds. They are breathtakingly beautiful and inspiring. It is as if God wants to remind us that the darkness will not last forever, and indeed that there is light to come. Somewhere beyond the dark and gloomy skies, there is still sunshine.

I love the verse from John chapter 1 verse 5: ‘the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness never overcomes it.’ Jesus is our light, and His light always shines brightly. Even when the darkness is upon us, it is only temporary, a momentary blip in the eternal story.

A question that can be helpful to ask, is where do we notice the light in our lives? My Christian faith brings me light, reconnecting with friends from the past, acts of kindness and thoughtfulness, the beauty of a landscape, worship music – they can all console and inspire, but we all have different things that bring illumination. We are so very grateful for these, for they sustain us on bleak or dreary days.

Gracious God, You are the Giver of light and the Source of love, and we thank you that in our Saviour Jesus Christ, You guide and inspire and bless our lives. At times we are fearful of the future, and we cower at the noise of the thunder and impending storm. But you bring us to a place of shelter, and remind us that after the darkness of night, comes the beautiful soft light of the eternal dawn, so there is nothing to fear, for we are just called to place our hand in Yours, and You are worthy of our trust. Holy spirit, may we always notice the fragments of light, so we may find our way, and find a path of hope, both now and forevermore, Amen

Changing my car!

Recently I changed my car. It sounds deceptively simple. It was not. Technically it is difficult, working out how to sell the old car, how to choose another one. I think about colour, whilst another family member assures me the engine is quite important too! You are trying to find things, like the parcel shelf of the old car, which somehow was stored at the back of the garage! You try to take all the clutter out of the car, to make it look its best to sell.

But there is such an emotional side to it too. The car I was selling, I had had for over 4 years. It had been a fantastic wee car. It was beautiful to drive, bringing freedom on open roads, and singing mechanical melodies. It has taken me on holidays all over Scotland, a patient companion in traffic jams, a source of so many trips, especially with my mum. When I think of this car, I have many beautiful memories.

Saying farewell to my car, has been strangely painful. I know it is just an ‘ object but somehow it had its own character, and it felt like a familiar friend. I hope its next owner appreciates it as much as I did.

I am getting to know my new car ( which ironically is older than the first). It also drives well – so far- and has some lovely features. But at the moment, there is a little part of me that still hankers after the old.

Life seems like this- the only constant is change, and whilst change can be liberating, too much change can also be exhausting. We appreciate new opportunities, but wish the past could stay with us forever. I guess it does in our memories and in our hearts, and that is enough.

We know that Jesus is the same, yesterday, today and forever ( Hebrews 13:8), and we know God’s love is consistent and unchanging. This helps us and keeps us grounded, as we navigate the changes in this transient universe.

Eternal Father, You are beyond time, so You know the end from the beginning, and Your love is constant. As mortals, we have a short timespan, and want to appreciate every good gift. Lord Jesus, whilst we treasure the past, may we not fear change, but be grateful for new possibilities. Holy spirit help us to appreciate every moment of our lives, and to use them for good. In Jesus name, Amen.

Constructive self talk!

Last week, I had one of those in between days. I had lots of chores to catch up on, and I had a cold, and things went wrong, and nothing was where it should be. Ever had a day like that? It wasn’t even a day for writing, just a day of everything feeling slightly off.

The problem with days like this, is that it is easy to spiral into negative talk. Why is this so difficult, why am I not stronger? Why is nothing going forward? It can be very bleak.

At times like these, we have to make a choice. Do we keep going with the ‘ I am not equipped to do this, I am not good enough’ internal dialogue, or can I turn it round into this is a low moment when I am not feeling well, it will get better. We need to decide to hope.

The bible really helps for it reminds me that we are all loved by God. and are precious to Him – in 1 John 3:1 it says ‘ see what great love God has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God.’ And this truth can set us free, when we are struggling. I might feel down, I might doubt my abilities, but I am loved by God, one of His children, and He is watching over me. This gives me strength and hope.

There is a beautiful song by the singer Laura Daigle called ‘ You say’ and in the lyrics it says: You say I am loved when I don’t feel a thing, You say I am strong when I think I am weak, and You say I am held when I am falling short, And when I don’t belong, You say I am yours.’

When we feel weak or inadequate, God reminds us that He sees us, and that we are precious in His sight. He speaks words of affirmation to our soul, and His truth brings liberation. And our self talk changes from negative to hopeful, from destructive to constructive. And things don’t change overnight, but gradually God’s truth gives us courage, and we find strength to start again each day.

Gracious God, sometimes we have dark days, when things go wrong and we are full of self doubt. It is easy to blame ourselves for what goes wrong. Thankyou Lord Jesus that you remind us that we are loved, that You know us so well You know even the number of hairs on our heads, the words we speak before they come out our mouths. Holy spirit challenge our negative self talk, and help us to see ourselves though your eyes. Heal our souls, rebuild our self esteem, and enable us to live in positivity and freedom.

Cultivating gratitude!

At the moment, I feel deeply grateful for God’s faithfulness to me, grounded in gratitude. Maybe it is just being on holiday- that has had an impact! But having some space, has also given me time to reflect. And I have sense of God’s great faithfulness to me.

As I look back over my life, I have been blessed. Much has been challenging, painful and deeply wounding. I have often asked why God did you let that happen? The sufferings of my late husband often brought forth this question. He had such a tough time with a degenerative disability and difficult memories. He experienced so much anguish and damage, and that impacted everyone around him.

Yet in the midst of that questioning, God’s love never failed us as a family. We might have been bewildered, exhausted, walking on eggshells. But we also had moments of joy, laughter at ridiculous situations, and wonderful support from many of the people around us, family and friends.

It is realising the balance, that seems so important. The temptation is to dwell on the dark side, to let self pity and despair become uppermost. But God’s call to me is to keep looking for His hand at work, to notice His goodness and mercy. When I notice the acts of kindness each day, I choose to cultivate gratitude, and this changes everything.

At times, to be honest, it is a struggle. My experiences of care giving, trauma and grief are lasting. And this is where I have to say I have noticed the power of praying friends. People who have prayed for us consistently, and you just know the difference, when a verse stands out, when something comes together, when unexpectedly your mood lifts. So often, someone has been asking God to bless and guide me, and I am so moved. And this in turn inspires me to pray for others. There is a blanket of prayers around the world, through which God’s will is done, and His love reaches many. And His love can heal, forgive and transform all our lives.

And so today, I am deeply thankful. And when I am less sure- on the days that are frustrating and darker, I pray for the grace to cultivate gratitude, and give thanks for the prayers of others, that carry me forward.

I remember the verse from Colossians 2: 6-8 ” just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, rooted and built up in Him, continue in the faith as you were taught, overflowing with thankfulness.” Being rooted in God’s love, just helps us to find the strength and insight we need.

Merciful God, I admit to you that I struggle. I want to be thankful, but sometimes it is an effort, and I am discouraged by the pain and heartbreak in this life. Lord Jesus, on these days, may I look to You. You faced opposition, you were misunderstood and mocked, but Your love never faltered. Holy spirit, as a community teach us to hold one another in prayer, so when any of us has a bad day, we can find encouragement from each other. Break down the barriers of pride that prevent us asking for prayer. Help us to be more committed in praying for others, for you answer our prayers in amazing and life giving ways, so that more people can experience your powerful and life transforming love. And in the midst of it all, grant us a deep gratitude for each day that You grant us, Amen.

Soothed by the rhythm of the waves…..

I so enjoy travelling. I am over on a Mediterranean island just now, and today I went on a boat trip. The sun was hot, the sea calm and the views breathtaking.

I went swimming from the boat today, which is something I have not done before. And what I really noticed was how much the boat was moving. Just when you were trying to get to the ladder to get back on board, the boat rocked in the waves. It was a little tricky and not remotely elegant, as I tried to haul myself up the slippy ladder!

When the boat bobs up and down on the waves, it is so calming however. That movement seems like the rocking to sleep of a small child, a motion that feels familiar and relaxing.

I found a quotation from Richard Shuster, which explains the science ‘ as waves come in, crash and the recede again, the parasympathetic nervous system activates, which slows down the brain, and helps promote relaxation.’ That feeling of peace, is deeply present. I wonder too if there is a womb dimension, a deep memory of a place of safety and love from our first moments of existence.

In Psalm 42 verse 7 it says ‘ deep calls to deep, at the sound of your waterfalls, all your breakers and your waves have rolled over me.’ There is a sense in the sound of water, whether in a waterfall or in the movement of the sea, that God can speak to us, and give us that very experience of grace and love that we don’t even know we need.

In the midst of strident and turbulent times, we need moments just to connect with water, the sound of rhythmic waves bringing refreshment and relaxation, reminding us of the vastness of the world, and the eternal nature of God’s love flowing out to all people. In that moment, may we notice the beauty, be held secure in God’s love, and find deep peace for our souls.

Gracious God, sometimes we are on a treadmill of doing, busyness and disconnection. We feel numb, just trying to get the next thing done. Lord Jesus, help us to slow down, to breathe deeply, to know that You are on the boat with us, and that your balm of Gilead is poured over all that hurts and is discordant, and brings a healing calm. Holy spirit, when we feel far from You, grant us moments of deep union and connection with you, a rhythm which soothes and restores peace and harmony in our souls, Amen