Remembrance- dark memories and a cascade of love

Remembrance weekend is so emotional. We remember veterans, those who gave their lives, those who were injured in body, mind and soul, and their loved ones. We remember conflicts and wars since the 1914-18 war, and we give thanks for the freedom that we now have, bought at such a high price.

We want to honour our veteran community, and when we listen to their stories, there are some that are so dark and so distressing. For some veterans, they kept many aspects of their military service quiet, because it was too painful to recount. These memories still haunt many today.

I have a deep desire to explore what brings healing to traumatised people. I am just learning, as there are so many components, a safe place to tell your story, integrated therapeutic approaches to healing, prayer, a supportive community. I dream of a day when every person who is sore and broken, finds that safe place for soul and body repair. Waiting lists for counselling are often so long, and it can be hard to find a listening space. We pray for the right space, the right person at just the right moment, for each individual in need.

In his earthly life, Jesus listened to His heavenly Father in prayer when he withdrew to solitary places ( Mark 1:35), and this gave him strength to listen to those he met on the road, a woman who was tired and poorly, a man whose child was sick, a shamed woman at a well. He listened, showed compassion and brought healing.

For us as a society, we too often speak in voices that are shrill and strident, each voice trying to dominate the other, rather than listening with humble and open hearts. In a broken and conflicted world, where the cost of the battle is so clearly seen, may we promote healing by compassionate and attentive listening, and working for justice, wherever possible.

Creator God, You created a world where there was meant to be harmony and mutual care, symbolised in the garden of Eden. Yet our human rebellion, our failure to get on, sabotages our relationships again and again, and brings destruction and violence and war. Lord Jesus, have mercy on us, forgive us. Today we give thanks for all who have fought to make the world a better place, and who have suffered harm and loss. Lord Jesus, may Your love and light bind up the wounds of the broken, and help the troubled find peace. Holy spirit, help us chose not to destroy but to build, not to tear down, but to nurture and encourage. On this day, when the darkest of memories of war are particularly poignant, may the cascade of your love bring hope for a better tomorrow. In Jesus’ name, Amen

Leaves falling- sadness and peace!

Amazing colours but sorrowful silhouettes

After the torrential rain, there have been some gorgeous bright autumn days. 🍂 The blue skies have contrasted with the vibrant colours and textures of the leaves, creating a visual feast.

In Ecclesiastes it says that there is a time for every season under the sun, and each one helps us appreciate the others. I have always loved autumn, as John Keats said in his ode ‘a season of mist and mellow fruitfulness.’ It is a time of slowing down, of noticing, of appreciating things past.

It is the eve of my book promotion ‘Love songs for healing and hope!’ At SGT Church of Scotland, Buchanan Street tomorrow. As I prepare, I re-engage with past memories, which still stir within me sorrow and pain. Memories of my late husband’s struggles with being an injured veteran continue to resonate deeply. I think if only things had been different….

Yet I know this is the wrong road. I need to accept all that took place, but learn from it, and pray it helps me be a wiser more compassionate person, better equipped to listen and to support others. ‘ Love songs for healing and hope’ is a devotional resource book to share these insights, in the hope it might help another human soul acknowledge how tough it can be to support some one with a disability in life, and how difficult it is to come to terms with guilt and grief in death. It aims to offer healing and hope to all who are weary in their struggles and pain.

It is now over 5 years since Colin died, and subsequent bereavements keep causing the wound to be re-opened. An additional dimension is added by the tragedy and heartbreak in our world just now that exacerbates our feelings of horror at all that is wrong with the world.

And yet, as the trees let go their leaves, there is beauty. As the tears fall, sorrow is expressed and occasionally assuaged. As we learn to accept what has taken place, we realise we have no control over many things, and find a deeper peace.

Life is so very rich, and so we ask God not to abandon us in our sorrow, but to help us see and explore possibilities of formation and new life in the time to come. It might not seem real right now, but one day, maybe we will look back and see things differently.

Eternal Father, our Creator and Source of all life, we marvel at the universe, the movement of the stars, the changing night sky, and we are humbled. Lord Jesus, at times you call us to let go of past expectations and dreams, and that hurts so much, but then we are also called forward, to trust that You are doing a new thing. Holy spirit, may we surrender to Your will, and receive your peace, so we can then in turn bless and encourage others, in Jesus name, Amen

Living with loss, yet experiencing hope…

Dear friends, this always seems an exquisitely beautiful but melancholy time of year. The leaves of the trees are a myriad of soft yellow, orange and brown, but are flying in the breeze and landing on the ground, leaving branches bare and lonely. Sunlight makes it a luminous time, but there is also a sense of transition and loss.

After much prayer and pondering, I am inviting you to a book promotion evening on 7th November at 7 for 7.30pm at St George’s Tron Church, 163 Buchanan Street, G1 2JX. I am a little anxious about this, but trusting that this is the right choice, so please bear with me as I explain why.

I started writing about 5 years ago, after the death of my husband Colin, who was a veteran. His story was untold, and I felt compelled to honour his memory by writing ‘ Love song for a wounded warrior’ so his writing about his service in Northern Ireland could be published, alongside our struggles as a family, to try to support him. I was so grateful to Jock Stein and Handsel press for publishing this.

I started to blog about my attempts to process my grief and trauma, complicated by other family losses and then the pandemic. The isolation, sadness and questioning were very real, and I wanted to form an online community where people knew that they were not alone in their sorrow.

This lead to a second book ‘ Love songs for healing and hope’ published last year. It is a compilation of blogs, personal stories of others facing personal challenges and sadnesses, and of resources offered to help others who are struggling.

The idea behind this is just to support others who have experienced complex loss and trauma, and to say to people that they are not alone, and that they are loved. As a Christian, these are devotional resources, but are offered to all, to encourage healing of wounds, and hope that things can get better one day.

For various reasons, I have not given this book much publicity, and feel called by God to do so. Especially in this period leading up to Christmas when memories are so raw, and grief so strong, this seems a significant time to offer this resource.

If you would like to buy a copy, please email woundedwarriorfg@gmail.com The book is £15 plus £2.30 postage. All proceeds go to two charities- Quiet Waters Counselling service, based in Camelon, and Richmond’s Hope, that provides support for children and young people who have been bereaved. Or come along to our promotional evening, where there will be a presentation about the book, and an opportunity for questions.

Thankyou for reading this. It is such a tiny contribution to such an important area, it seems like just a pebble thrown in the ocean. But my prayer is that the ripples might bring healing and hope to others, and that somehow this might make a difference.

Gracious God, in autumn, we let go of so many things, of our old ways of thinking, of our faded hopes and dreams, of expectations and assumptions. They end up like the soggy leaves at the bottom of the forest floor. It is painful and messy. Yet Lord Jesus, after a long time of gruelling winter, you bring new buds, possibilities of growth and hope. Whatever stage we find ourselves in life this day, even if it is a weepy out of sorts day, may we find strength to keep hoping, to find connection with others, and with God, safe places of lament and listening and solace, of deep healing and peace. May God provide all that we need, and the sweet encouragement of his holy spirit, until the light of hope burns strongly once more. Amen.

Lindisfarne sunrise!

I have been so very privileged to spend a weekend on Lindisfarne. I prayed about where I was to be, and a wonderful and encouraging lady called Kay and the URC church was to be an answer to my prayer! A long story, and a miracle allowed me to be here. God provided for me so perfectly, I am astounded.

I was so very tired coming here, weighed down by the cares of the world. But here in this holy island, with a history of hundreds of years of prayer, the gift of peace was given. Reading about the Lindisfarne gospels, imagining the life of the Christian community here, being at St Cuthbert’s Island have been inspiring.

And then the weather- windy, cold but clear and sunny has suited me. Long walks watching the changes of the tide, and the roar of the sea have been breathtaking.

The waves have been so mighty, they have looked like white hedgehogs moving across the ocean, stirring up ever changing foam tapestries in every direction. Phenomenal!

So many verses are coming back to me, but especially from psalm 67:

‘ May God be gracious to us and bless us, and make His face shine upon us.’

When we see the sun rise over the horizon, it is a sign of hope. Whatever the darkness of the previous day has been, today we have a new beginning. God wants us to learn from the past, to find healing, and to then to bless us. The sunrise brings rays of light, and is a tangible sign of a new way forward.

Gracious God, thank You for the way that You provide for your people, in such perfect forms, and for the ways that your holy spirit is at work. Even when we have been lost in darkness, Your light still shines upon us.

We also thank you for your mercies, which are new every morning, for your holy spirit who breathes new life into us though prayer, reflection and the beauty of your creation. Thank you for places of pilgrimage, where we can retreat, and find shelter, rest and restoration. Bring refreshment to all who are weary, and may your beautiful light bring inspiration and blessing, hope and courage for each new day, Amen.

Post funeral blues!

In the weeks after a funeral, it all feels a bit surreal. You have done the paperwork, and made the arrangements. You have said goodbye, and given thanks for the person’s life. You have shared stories and memories.

But then comes the next bit, when people say you are ‘getting back to normal’. You go through some of the familiar routines- outwardly it seems the same. But there are gapping holes and jagged edges- you go to phone the person, but they are not there. You see something you know they would have been interested in, and make a mental note to share it, but there is no opportunity.

My mum passed away over a month ago, and I didn’t want her to suffer, and so her passing was the better option. I give thanks for her, as she was a wonderful mum to me, and an amazing gran to my son. But life will never be the same again.

So many people walk around with invisible wounds. Grief is so raw, but there is no outward mark. You walk around, and people look normal, but everything feels upside down. You have to relearn how to live, how to spend that now empty part of your day.

We all know that in time, new rhythms of life will emerge. Memories now tinged with sadness will be retrieved with less pain. More positive reminiscences re- emerge. A balance will come back.

God holds is in our grief and tears, as we mourn and process our losses. At times we start the day strong, but an unexpected phonecall or letter brings a fresh wave of anguish. It can feel as if we experience the loss anew.

‘ Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted’ Matthew 5:4

God so often shows us evidences of grace even we are at our lowest ebb- a prayer spoken, a message of support, fresh flowers, an unexpected kindness, a rainbow in the sky. Grief cannot be rushed, we have to take each heavy step, but there are flowers in the verges, and we are given the strength we need.

I think we also need to learn to be kind to ourselves, to forgive, to say no when we need to, and to know that just sitting staring into space, can be just fine. Being patient with ourselves, gives us space to lament, and then to heal.

Gracious God, grieving can be so exhausting. We can be sad about many things. But we are not alone. Lord Jesus, You walk with us, and when we are downcast, You lift our heads, when we are burdened, You carry what is heavy for us. Thankyou that even in surreal days of uncertainty and pain, You send your holy spirit, and You bring us solace and remind us that hope is not gone. Teach us to show unreserved kindness to all who are silently nursing painful wounds, and to extend that kindness even to ourselves. In Jesus’ name, Amen

Cherishing the sparrow

Many of you are aware that I have had a bereavement in these recent weeks. It was not unexpected, and yet it seems so painful. There always seems that element of shock and disbelief, like you have entered into a nightmare from which you hope to awaken. Images and conversations replay in your head, and keep you awake.

I have so much to be thankful for. Now my loved one does not suffer any longer, and God’s grace has been immense. I am deeply thankful for their life and all that they mean to me.

Times of bereavement bring such disquiet, old memories resurface, questions emerge, and reflection becomes essential. At these times, we all need space to process and to grieve, to gain perspective.

I am so grateful for that bible verse that tells that God sees even the smallest most ordinary bird, and that there is a home for these tiny birds in His house. He also says in Matthew 10: 30a to 31 ‘ aren’t you worth much more to God than many sparrows. So don’t worry. For your Father cares deeply about even the smallest detail of your life’ ( the Passion translation).

Even in the midst of pain and bereavement, God knows our situation, sees our tears and heals us. What happens to us matters. We might feel insignificant and unseen, but we have a God who sees us, and loves and cherishes us. What a wonderful God we have, what a compassionate Saviour, who loves us with a generous and extravagant love. Even in the darkest night, he hears our cries, and ge answers.

All seeing God, you are good and loving and kind, You are the Creator of all things, and yet You notice the humble sparrow in the hedgerow, the workings of ants, and hear the plaintive bleat of a lamb lost on the hillside. Lord Jesus, You are the Saviour of the world, yet you notice our struggles, love us even in our darkest days, offer forgiveness for our sins, and give us a new beginning every morning. Even in time if pain and lament, You are with us, and your holy spirit brings consolation and healing, Your presence provides for us a place of attentive safety, where we can unburden our souls. We bring to You our praise and deep thanksgiving for who You are, and rest content in your loving arms, Amen

Hospital lifts!

Recently I have spent a little bit of time travelling in hospital lifts. They have a character all of their own.

This one in the picture is not working- hence the no entry sign. Hospital lifts often seem to be in need of care- maybe that symbolises that whole character of the place, much love and healing needed.

Lifts literally bring people together, unless you prefer the many stairs. So you find yourself in a rectangular box with a microcosm of humanity. There are the worried people with plastic bags, taking up more washing to a loved one, the parent and child clutching a take away coffee and hand drawn picture, the person out of breath after running up the hill, the person sneaking out for a smoke, and the defeated person standing gazing into space in the corner.

There are snatches of conversation- he was worse today, so confused- the parking machine wasn’t working- I don’t know why the doctor said that. And then in the middle of it all, the excited family with pink balloons, welcoming the arrival of a newborn.

It is a place of silence and story- some too weary to speak, others telling you about the phonecall they got, and that they have been up since 5am. Some are full of hope for the success of that operation, others fearing the worst.

It has struck me that this is sacred ground. It is a place where kindness is everything, holding a lift door open, a smile, a listening ear. In the aching sadness and exuberant joy, all contained in that small rectangle, there is opportunity to love and to show support.

It reminds me that everyday, we can choose to adopt the values of God, as outlined in Colossians 2:12-13 ‘ since God chose you to be holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you.’ May we always be clothed in that gracious kindness and tenderhearted mercy, even in a hospital lift!

Gracious God, so many people are hurting and in pain, so many in hospital and at home, who are bewildered, upset or weary. We have such a privilege to show others the love of Christ, when they need that word in season, a word of understanding, support or encouragement. Holy spirit, even when we ourselves are weary, help us to choose to love, to make one person feel heard and valued. Bless all who work in health care, those who are patients, those who visit. May the balm of Gilead flow, through all, through doctors, nurses, auxiliaries and chaplains, and may there be an awareness that this is sacred ground, in Jesus name, Amen

Dark clouds and shards of light!

The weather has been so unpredictable recently. Patches of sunshine, monsoon rains and then stormy. We see evidence of the beginning of global warming every day.

Sometimes we know that there are dark clouds on the horizon. They can seem threatening, even menacing. We wonder how to endure.

Yet there are often shards of light breaking through the clouds. They are breathtakingly beautiful and inspiring. It is as if God wants to remind us that the darkness will not last forever, and indeed that there is light to come. Somewhere beyond the dark and gloomy skies, there is still sunshine.

I love the verse from John chapter 1 verse 5: ‘the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness never overcomes it.’ Jesus is our light, and His light always shines brightly. Even when the darkness is upon us, it is only temporary, a momentary blip in the eternal story.

A question that can be helpful to ask, is where do we notice the light in our lives? My Christian faith brings me light, reconnecting with friends from the past, acts of kindness and thoughtfulness, the beauty of a landscape, worship music – they can all console and inspire, but we all have different things that bring illumination. We are so very grateful for these, for they sustain us on bleak or dreary days.

Gracious God, You are the Giver of light and the Source of love, and we thank you that in our Saviour Jesus Christ, You guide and inspire and bless our lives. At times we are fearful of the future, and we cower at the noise of the thunder and impending storm. But you bring us to a place of shelter, and remind us that after the darkness of night, comes the beautiful soft light of the eternal dawn, so there is nothing to fear, for we are just called to place our hand in Yours, and You are worthy of our trust. Holy spirit, may we always notice the fragments of light, so we may find our way, and find a path of hope, both now and forevermore, Amen

Changing my car!

Recently I changed my car. It sounds deceptively simple. It was not. Technically it is difficult, working out how to sell the old car, how to choose another one. I think about colour, whilst another family member assures me the engine is quite important too! You are trying to find things, like the parcel shelf of the old car, which somehow was stored at the back of the garage! You try to take all the clutter out of the car, to make it look its best to sell.

But there is such an emotional side to it too. The car I was selling, I had had for over 4 years. It had been a fantastic wee car. It was beautiful to drive, bringing freedom on open roads, and singing mechanical melodies. It has taken me on holidays all over Scotland, a patient companion in traffic jams, a source of so many trips, especially with my mum. When I think of this car, I have many beautiful memories.

Saying farewell to my car, has been strangely painful. I know it is just an ‘ object but somehow it had its own character, and it felt like a familiar friend. I hope its next owner appreciates it as much as I did.

I am getting to know my new car ( which ironically is older than the first). It also drives well – so far- and has some lovely features. But at the moment, there is a little part of me that still hankers after the old.

Life seems like this- the only constant is change, and whilst change can be liberating, too much change can also be exhausting. We appreciate new opportunities, but wish the past could stay with us forever. I guess it does in our memories and in our hearts, and that is enough.

We know that Jesus is the same, yesterday, today and forever ( Hebrews 13:8), and we know God’s love is consistent and unchanging. This helps us and keeps us grounded, as we navigate the changes in this transient universe.

Eternal Father, You are beyond time, so You know the end from the beginning, and Your love is constant. As mortals, we have a short timespan, and want to appreciate every good gift. Lord Jesus, whilst we treasure the past, may we not fear change, but be grateful for new possibilities. Holy spirit help us to appreciate every moment of our lives, and to use them for good. In Jesus name, Amen.

Constructive self talk!

Last week, I had one of those in between days. I had lots of chores to catch up on, and I had a cold, and things went wrong, and nothing was where it should be. Ever had a day like that? It wasn’t even a day for writing, just a day of everything feeling slightly off.

The problem with days like this, is that it is easy to spiral into negative talk. Why is this so difficult, why am I not stronger? Why is nothing going forward? It can be very bleak.

At times like these, we have to make a choice. Do we keep going with the ‘ I am not equipped to do this, I am not good enough’ internal dialogue, or can I turn it round into this is a low moment when I am not feeling well, it will get better. We need to decide to hope.

The bible really helps for it reminds me that we are all loved by God. and are precious to Him – in 1 John 3:1 it says ‘ see what great love God has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God.’ And this truth can set us free, when we are struggling. I might feel down, I might doubt my abilities, but I am loved by God, one of His children, and He is watching over me. This gives me strength and hope.

There is a beautiful song by the singer Laura Daigle called ‘ You say’ and in the lyrics it says: You say I am loved when I don’t feel a thing, You say I am strong when I think I am weak, and You say I am held when I am falling short, And when I don’t belong, You say I am yours.’

When we feel weak or inadequate, God reminds us that He sees us, and that we are precious in His sight. He speaks words of affirmation to our soul, and His truth brings liberation. And our self talk changes from negative to hopeful, from destructive to constructive. And things don’t change overnight, but gradually God’s truth gives us courage, and we find strength to start again each day.

Gracious God, sometimes we have dark days, when things go wrong and we are full of self doubt. It is easy to blame ourselves for what goes wrong. Thankyou Lord Jesus that you remind us that we are loved, that You know us so well You know even the number of hairs on our heads, the words we speak before they come out our mouths. Holy spirit challenge our negative self talk, and help us to see ourselves though your eyes. Heal our souls, rebuild our self esteem, and enable us to live in positivity and freedom.