My laptop’s memory is full!

I have had some technical difficulties in recent weeks. I dropped my laptop on the floor, and the hinge is damaged. And I have received lots of warning notices, that the memory is full, and so now none of the updates are happening, and it is refusing to save my documents.

After consultation, I have had to buy a new laptop. To fix the hinge was going to be expensive, and I had had the laptop for many years. I couldn’t work out why the memory was so full- I defragmented it often, and i thought i was taking care of it. On investigation, it turned out it was photos from my old windows phones that were taking up all the space. I need to go through them, and let go some of these photos.

The whole exercise has left me with questions about the past and present and future, and how they all relate. Photos can remind us of past events and people and so are to be cherished. They capture moments in time, that are so precious. Yet they can also remind us of darker times and experiences. What do we keep? We keep the amazing photos, with happy associations. But the others- do we keep them because they remind us of the truth, or let them go because they are too painful?

In Psalm 90 verse 12, the psalmist says ‘Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom’. Our lives are fleeting, we want to live life to the full. How do we gain wisdom? Our past is something we learn from, and this learning can guide our steps in the future. Yet if we dwell on it too much, it can also imprison us and pull us down. How do we find a balance, so we can remember and learn, but in such a way that the past doesn’t determine our future.

My first practical step is to go through my photos, and edit that number down considerably! But I also need to prayerfully ask God to help me give thanks for all my memories, and to ask for healing for the darker recollections. I want to learn, then to let go, to make space for new experiences and direction. May we not get stuck, but find the freedom we seek now and in the future.

Gracious God, You want to bring us to a spacious place of light, but we so easily clog things up with memories that unsettle and disturb. Lord Jesus, You love us, and you know every detail of our lives, every event, every person met. Please help us to give thanks for all that is edifying, and to prayerfully reflect on, and release to you difficult moments and experiences from the past. Through the power of your holy spirit, cleanse and heal. Lift the heaviness from us, teach us to forgive and be forgiven, so we can dance once more in freedom and in joy. Show us what to do, and how to live well in the present, and to build for the future, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

The story of a dog and a sofa!

Before I start my story, I want to tell you that I have a marvellous dog. He has been rehomed, and he is a character! In recent months, he has been experimenting with his claws on my sofa. He doesn’t mean anything by it, but the duct tape to repair it has become less effective. And then one day, it looked like this!

It was a very old sofa, over 20 years, and past its best. I decided it was not salvageable, and that I need to let it and the two chairs go………

What happened next was a surprise however, for the room seemed much bigger. With a little help, I moved the furniture about, and repositioned things, got two lighter chairs, and actually the room is so much better- less cluttered and heavy, and more spacious! It has been transformed.

My dog has taught me the gift of letting go. By taking the sofa and matching chairs to the dump, I made space for something new, which feels like a lighter and more flexible space.

I always love Ecclesiastes chapter three, that there is a time for everything under the sun, and in verse 6 it says ‘ there is a time to keep, and a time to throw away.’ As our lives go on, there is a time to hold on to stuff from the past, but also a time to let go of some things, to make space for the new. It is a difficult discernment, and is always evolving, but the symbolism seems potent. May we all recognise what needs to be put to one side, to make space for God to do a new thing.

Gracious God, there is a rhythm to life, and so many different seasons. There is eternity in each one, yet paradoxically they go by so fast. Childhood, adulthood, perhaps parenting, and then dependency once more. Lord Jesus, you are the same yesterday, today and forever, and you accompany us in every stage, and bring meaning and significance. Sometimes we want to tarry where we are comfortable, but your spirit stirs us up, and leads us forward, enabling us to let go, and making space for something new, like eagles out of a nest. Thank you, that You speak to our hearts in so many ways, and gently lead us, so we might learn to fly. Give us courage to see new possibilities, and to embrace them, Amen.

Lent- hope in the wilderness

Last week I was having a difficult day, and on a walk near a loch, I found this beautiful and early flower. Most of the tree was bare, with only a few buds, but this wee flower made me smile and brought me hope.

Lent is a desert time, when we remember that after Jesus’ baptism in the river Jordan, that the holy spirit then took him into the desert in Judea to be tempted in the wilderness for 40 days. After the purpose and blessing revealed and experienced in his baptism, Jesus was prepared for his ministry by a time of testing- Luke chapter 4:1-15.

There are times in our lives when we can really relate to that time of testing. Maybe we are despairing about something, or tempted to go down a path we know is wrong for us. Or it could be that we feel alone and vulnerable. Desert times test our love and our resolve.

My prayer for all of us in this period of Lent, is that we learn something that makes us stronger. Traditionally in Lent, we might think of goings to let go, excess chocolate or cakes or take away coffees! We can go deeper, to give up bad habits that take us away from God, too much social media scrolling, late night TV. We can ask God to help us let go of hurts, resentment and bitterness in our hearts.

Having let go, so we create space for God’s holy spirit to work. In the space, we might rededicate ourselves to prayer, or reading a gospel passage each day, or starting a prayer journal. We might commit to listening to praise music every day, or seeking to encourage and bless another person. We pray that somehow, even in the midst of the deepest struggles, God brings transformation to our lives. Then perhaps, there can be a flowering, even in the most unexpected of places.

‘The desert will rejoice, and flowers will bloom in the wastelands’ Isaiah 35:1

Gracious God, we confess that being in the desert is not something we enjoy. We hear the cry of wild beasts, and we are tempted and distracted and we get scared. Yet You, Lord Jesus, are with us, and you model how to stay close to God, by prayer and meditating on Your Word.

Whatever our struggles are, may we cry to You for help, and wait for your reply. May our eyes be fixed on You. Calm our overthinking and terrified imagining. May we know that You are near Lird Jesus, and find solace in the presence of your holy spirit, still guiding our path. And somewhere in the darkness of suffering, may there be new buds of faith, and flowerings of love, in Jesus name, Amen.

Dustbin lorries bring hope!

My bins are all full, but my house is full too. Despite my best efforts, there seems to be ‘stuff’ everywhere. And worse than this, the stuff symbolises memories, events and people. Many of these are good, but some are sad or poignant.

I have a number of black bags in the house, which I am categorising as being ‘ in transit’. They are no longer meant to be in the house, but the bin is full, so I wait for the bin lorry to come soon. ( even though I recycle what I can!)

This might all sound very trivial, but the decluttering symbolises my cry to God to cleanse my soul too. We have so many memories, sometimes that haunt us, and that we try to bury. But actually we need to take them out into the light, and to look at them, and ask God to heal us. Sometimes we need to forgive, or sometimes to ask forgiveness. And then to let them go. And it has to happen one memory at a time- such a painstaking process, but it is the only way to make space, and to find peace.

Readings from Ecclesiastes 3 figure largely in my life just now- there is a time for everything, amongst others, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to be silent, and a time to speak.

This seems to be a time of cleansing, of letting go, of making space. But it is painful. To make space means to let go of old ways and assumptions, and to embrace new ways forward. And the new way is not always clear, and it is easy to take a wrong turn. And then I have to forgive myself, and seek God’s strength to find the right path.

Every now and again, I catch a glimpse of what space and freedom feels like. It could be receiving an act of kindness or being understood, or a moment of peace. And it is such a revelation, a moment of integration, and of communion with God. Breathtaking and inspirational momentary solace. And then it is back to looking at the black bags again. They are on their way out- honest…….

Gracious God, in this season of Lent, we are more aware of our shortcomings, and of the darkness within. We confess our struggles once more, our desire to hang on to stuff from the past, because its familiarity brings comfort. Lord Jesus, show us what you desire of us this day. We trust that You still have a good purpose for our lives. Holy spirit, reveal to us the truth about ourselves, cleanse us from all that weighs us down, and heal our sorrow. Thankyou that You understand our frustration, for letting go is such slow and painful work. May we have a loving community around us, to support us in our healing process, Amen

One step at a time.

I have discovered that I am not a very patient person. For some people, they will not be surprised to hear this. I often have ideas, a plan, and can’t wait to put it all into practise. I am enthusiastic!

God often challenges my plans however. I often need to rethink, to pray, to ponder, to consider what to do, and what is true to my identity as a child of God.

Over Christmas, I had covid 19. I tested positive, I talked to track and trace, I self isolated for 10 days along with my son. I am so fortunate it wasn’t worse, it was just like a bad flu, headaches, feeling achy, a lack of taste and smell, a cough, fatigue etc. It was very unpleasant, and lasted just over a week, until the symptoms started to lessen. I was relieved that it didn’t get worse, and as far as I know, that I didn’t give it to anyone else. I took all the precautions, I used my mask and anti bacterial stuff, and I am grateful that I am here. I so pray for others who have it, that they heal and have no complications.

I am so very thankful, but I do have low energy. I know I need to rest until I feel better. I am doing the essentials at work, and trying to self care. I am learning so much, for even a walk in the park leaves me exhausted, so I need to only do a few things each day. Things I took for granted, are not available to me right now.

And so I need to learn to be patient, to take one step at a time. I need to acknowledge that I rely on God completely, to give me energy, to guide my path, or even allow me just to rest. Resting can be restorative and peaceful, as long as I allow myself not to feel guilty over what I cannot do.

I remember the words of psalm 40:

‘ I waited patiently on the Lord, He turned to me and heard my cry.’

I need to pray, rest, and at the right time, take a wee step forward, and then rest. I am blessed with lovely supportive, prayerful family and friends, with my encouraging dog, with food and water and a warm place to live. I try to use this time to dream, and read and listen to inspirational music. I seek to develop a more thankful heart, and to notice the beauty all around, and for God to teach me to be more patient.

Let us pray, Gracious Father, we cry to You for all who are unwell this day, with covid 19, with cancer or other conditions, chronic and acute. Lord Jesus, we thank you for our incredible paramedics and health care teams, doing an amazing job in hospitals and GP practices around the country. Plesse bless them, give them wisdom and stamina, to care for those who are sick and dying, and for their relatives. For those who are recuperating, please help them to pace themselves, to rest, to breath, to self care. Holy spirit of God, thankyou for the power of prayer. May we pray for one another, to show kindness, to provide practical help, to get prescriptions or shopping. We thanks You for vaccination programmes, and pray that they would protect the most vulnerable. Help us all to be patient, as we seek to keep well, and to make good choices that keep others safe. May we be patient just a bit longer, as we watch and pray, for we ask it in Your Son’s precious name, hear our cry we pray, Amen.