Hospital lifts!

Recently I have spent a little bit of time travelling in hospital lifts. They have a character all of their own.

This one in the picture is not working- hence the no entry sign. Hospital lifts often seem to be in need of care- maybe that symbolises that whole character of the place, much love and healing needed.

Lifts literally bring people together, unless you prefer the many stairs. So you find yourself in a rectangular box with a microcosm of humanity. There are the worried people with plastic bags, taking up more washing to a loved one, the parent and child clutching a take away coffee and hand drawn picture, the person out of breath after running up the hill, the person sneaking out for a smoke, and the defeated person standing gazing into space in the corner.

There are snatches of conversation- he was worse today, so confused- the parking machine wasn’t working- I don’t know why the doctor said that. And then in the middle of it all, the excited family with pink balloons, welcoming the arrival of a newborn.

It is a place of silence and story- some too weary to speak, others telling you about the phonecall they got, and that they have been up since 5am. Some are full of hope for the success of that operation, others fearing the worst.

It has struck me that this is sacred ground. It is a place where kindness is everything, holding a lift door open, a smile, a listening ear. In the aching sadness and exuberant joy, all contained in that small rectangle, there is opportunity to love and to show support.

It reminds me that everyday, we can choose to adopt the values of God, as outlined in Colossians 2:12-13 ‘ since God chose you to be holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you.’ May we always be clothed in that gracious kindness and tenderhearted mercy, even in a hospital lift!

Gracious God, so many people are hurting and in pain, so many in hospital and at home, who are bewildered, upset or weary. We have such a privilege to show others the love of Christ, when they need that word in season, a word of understanding, support or encouragement. Holy spirit, even when we ourselves are weary, help us to choose to love, to make one person feel heard and valued. Bless all who work in health care, those who are patients, those who visit. May the balm of Gilead flow, through all, through doctors, nurses, auxiliaries and chaplains, and may there be an awareness that this is sacred ground, in Jesus name, Amen

Healing on a grey day.

What I have noticed is that when there are blue skies, golden autumnal colours and bright sunshine, I love a drive. Give me rain, deich skies and blanket shades of grey, my spirit fades a little. While the rhythm of the windscreen wipers may be comforting, the puddles and surface spray are not.

Yet on a grey day, when I spend more time inside, I have to face some of the stuff I might otherwise ignore. On a sunny day, I can distract myself with the gorgeousness of nature in both colour and form. On a grey day, I hear the rain battering the window, and am challenged to find the good.

This week I have been reading Karen McClintock’s ‘ When trauma wounds pathways to healing and hope.’ It is a great introduction to different forms of trauma, and different strategies to find healing. It is written from a theological and counselling perspective, and advocates a trauma informed approach to individuals, to life, and to church. It works by giving a number of case studies, and relates what helps people find their peace. Sanctuaries where people can tell their story in safety, is part of that healing process.

It was the battering of the rain, that led me to read, to have space and time to consider this topic. It is a difficult area to explore, and I am still only learning, but it seems so important to integrate pastoral and trauma informed insights, to enable people to find lasting healing. I need to explore it further, for my heart’s desire is to see people have opportunites to heal after trauma and emotional woundedness. Bessel van der Kolk speaks of all these techniques being summarised in the word ‘love’ but it is how to love people well and wisely, so that they can heal that is the challenge.

On grey days, may we take time to do some reflection, and ask God to bring deeper healing to our lives. May His holy spirit guide us, so we can experience healing, and in turn can bring grace to others.

‘Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and the God of all comfort, who comforts and encourages us, so that we will be able to encourage and encourage those who are in any kind of trouble, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God.’ 2 Corinthians 1: 3-5

Creator God, on a grey day, we can be restless and unsettled, our mood a little flat. Yet even these days can be used by You, so we look deeper into our souls, and notice the murkier and darker areas. Lord Jesus, at times in your life, you too were confronted with the truth of the human condition, and the cruelty and darkness of the world. Forgive us for all the hurt and trauma we cause others, and bring healing pathways for the broken and the wounded. By your holy spirit, give us courage to keep travelling, even when the journey seems grey and relentless. May we trust that the sun can shine again, and bring love, joy and peace, Amen.

Letting go the toilet roll from the back of the car!

Pandemics do strange things to people. We adopt survival habits, which seem a good idea at the time, but don’t hold up so well longer term. In the first months of the pandemic, there was a complete panic in society that we were going to run out of toilet rolls, and so many shop shelves were empty. And so I used to keep a packet of toilets rolls in the back seat of the car, so if I met someone who didn’t have any, I could offer them a packet. It seemed like a good idea!

However 21 months later, I still have a packet of toilet paper in the back of the car. I know that I don’t need them, that in fact no one needs them, but it has been hard to let go. What if there is another shortage?

I think that we have all put strategies in place to help us deal with the pandemic, new patterns of living to seek to keep us and others safe, going out less often, doing our lateral flow tests etc. Many of these patterns are necessary and good.

However for some of our coping strategies, we need to adapt, and to let go. They are no longer relevant- hoarding our favourite food, ordering everything on line, deciding we don’t need to catch up with friends the same way. It feels a little as if we are trying to control things, to make things seem better, to try to erase our worries and anxieties.

I love the verses from Jesus in Matthew chapter 6:25 onwards: ‘therefore i tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, or about your body, what you will wear. Is life not more than food, the body more than clothing. Look at the birds of the air, they neither sow nor reap, nor gather into barns,and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they?’

Do not worry, are words I think we all need to hear, especially as we go into a new year. Sometimes we get frazzled trying to sort things out, trying to envisage what might happen, and to try to prevent it. We so overthink.

God calls us just to trust Him, not to prepare for things that haven’t yet happened, to put our energy into worrying when we don’t know what the future will bring. Our heavenly Father knows us, He knows what we need, and He will provide for us, with grace and care. And so in this year ahead, may we lay aside unhealthy patterns and worries from the past, and find courage to go forward in freedom.

Gracious God, You give us freedom to choose how we respond to the dilemmas and enigmas of this life. Sometimes we have got stuck in old habits, negative patterns and worries. Lord Jesus, You came into this world to set us free, and to give us life in all its fullness. Holy spirit give us discernment to let go of unnecessary burdens and habits, and heal us, so we can live in freedom, and make wise choices in the present. As we enter into another year. May we trust You, for your eye is even on the sparrow, and so Your love and provision for us is even more wonderful. Thankyou Jesus, Amen.

Actively involved in the healing process!

I am so grateful that healing is such a strong theme in the bible. Whether it is the healing of Hezekiah in 2 Kings 20, or Jesus’s amazing healing ministry depicted in the gospels, God loves to heal in body, mind and soul.

I fully recognise the complexity of this topic, as sometimes we pray for people and they don’t seem to get better. We don’t know why some prayers don’t seem to be answered. Maybe sometimes the damage is too great, or the process to get better just too arduous for a human being to bear. We just don’t know, and it is distressing and exhausting trying to work it out.

I have been reading a lot recently about healing from trauma, and about finding ways of feeling safe and becoming more whole again. And I am always surprised at how much hard work it is. Working with topics like low self esteem, childhood or adult trauma, anger management etc seems so tough. For example, if for whatever reason, you don’t like some one shouting at you. You learn this insight, and what experience caused you to think like this, and to respond like this. Investigation complete, so you think.

However this is actually just the start. For identifying the trauma, then starts you on a path of what you do to cope, what your protective mechanism is, eg to avoid angry people, to withdraw etc. And often the coping mechanism then becomes part of the problem, because it forms an unhealthy pattern of behaviour, a bad habit. So then if there is a loud voice or angry behaviour, you recognise the impact it is having on you, and you then learn to choose to respond differently. You choose to stay in the room, take a deep breath, and give a boundaried answer.

That sounds great in theory, but putting it into practice is exhausting. And putting this into practice with multiple different traumas, makes it complicated and wearisome. It is one step forward and two back.

I am so blessed to have the resources to think this through, and to seek healing. God is so faithful, He never lets us down, and always provides a safe place to ask difficult questions, and to ask for strength to change. The Holy spirit challenges us, and brings insight, strength to change, and much healing. However we also need to intentionally participate, to face up to difficult memories, and to be open to change. May we all find continued motivation and perseverance to continue on this path.

The verse from Isaiah 64:8 comes to mind: ‘O Lord, you are our Father:we are the clay, and you are our Potter, we are all the work of Your hand.’ We all need to be fashioned, to be willing to change, for the clay to be soft and malleable in the hand of the potter, for something beautiful to be created.

Gracious Creator God, You see the brokenness in our world, the distorted thoughts, the shattered self image, our doubts and fears, our negative ways of thinking. Heal us we pray, in Jesus’ name. And even when it is wearisome, repetitive work, where we need to pause, and choose to respond differently, give us courage. May your holy spirit help us let go of destructive and negative ways of thinking, so we can live in freedom, and find the deep and lasting wholeness we seek, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

Waves of suffering everywhere.

I choose to affirm the good in the world, that God is still real, loving and powerful, that there is still hope. But sometimes to make these statements takes such courage.

In the week where the details of Sarah Everard’s death have come to light, it seems that so much is broken, it is hard to ever imagine any kind of repair. Her trust was violated in so many ways it is hard to put into words. That people can be so intentionally cruel and brutal to another human being is terrifying.

I think however that the problem is that this terrible abuse of power, rape and murder just remind us of the reality of what goes on daily for many people. Whether you are talking about domestic violence or hunan trafficking, some one choosing to violently exploit and control another human being is all too common. Institutional corruption is endemic in so many places. And we often turn the other cheek. We pretend not to see, we pretend things will get better. And it doesn’t.

As a human race, we need to weep over the seemingly unrelenting brutality and violence in our world. We need to pray for it to stop, for us to support charities working in this area, to do what we can to support those affected by it in any way. There are too many children and adults traumatised by abuse and violence.

Jesus said ‘ come to me, all those who are weary, and I will give you rest.’ Matthew 11:28

When we are tired of putting on a face, being brave, of crying on the inside, we can come to Jesus and be honest, and pour out our hearts to Him. In the presence of God, we are safe, and can find shelter and healing. It might just be a first step in a healing process, but in the midst of the overwhelming pain and suffering of the world, it is an essential refuge. Even in the midst of heartbreak and sorrow, God’s love for us has never changed.

Gracious God, You are full of loving kindness and grace, and You created this world to mirror the beauty and harmony of who You are. But we have rebelled and sullied our planet and our relationships, and been exploitative and cruel. Lord Jesus, You who experienced the brutality and callousness of human beings on that Friday of Holy week, have mercy on our souls. In the ongoing spiritual battle, may we pray for evil to be restrained, and for the vulnerable to be protected. And please can your life giving holy spirit bring healing to all who have suffered at the hands of another, so that in time they might trust and heal once more, Amen.

Sunset reflections.

Sometimes I forget to slow down. I try to do too many things, I am always trying to catch up.

So one evening this week, I decided just to sit and watch the sun go down. It couldn’t be hurried, so I just sat and waited and reflected. It was a gorgeous still evening, with a soft light falling over the fields. Sometimes in the past, Colin and I would watch the sunset, and it was a time of connection and wonder.

The sunset was a time of aching beauty. It was breathtakingly gorgeous, but was also about change and letting go.

It the last 18 months, there has been so much heartache, pain and loss, through the pandemic and all the implications for so many lives. Times of questioning, isolation, depression, sadness. And in the midst of this, also stories of courage, humour and self sacrifice, as people sought to support others. Key workers, neighbours and others going the extra mile.

Gazing at the setting sun, was a moment that Wordsworth might have called a ‘spot in time’ a glimpse into eternity, a realisation of just how fragile life is, how easily it can slip away. And a deep appreciation for each day that we are given.

In psalm 90 the psalmist says ‘Teach us to number our days , that we might gain a wisdom of the heart’.

There is something profound in this, that we need to treasure each new day we have, for none of us knows how long we have. Sometimes the days fly by, and we wonder what we have achieved. In the midst of all things, may we take time to slow down, to ponder and to pray. If this was our last day on earth, what would we do? What is important to us? What is holding us back?

I am coming to the end of my break in the Outer Hebrides. It has been a time of stunning beauty, outstanding journeys, amazing wildlife, and of healing and space. I have loved this time. And watching that sunset, was a time of communion with God, of recalling the past, coming to terms with the present, and seeking purpose for the days to come. Whatever our situation, may God speak to each one of us that Word of encouragement we need to hear, as we continue onward.

Creator God, thank you for moments of clarity and peace, as we gaze on the beauty of your world. Lord Jesus You know our hurts from the past, the things we struggle with, the pain we feel. Forgive us, that we are sometimes too fearful to see the possibilities ahead. Help us have times of stillness in which we find refreshment and inspiration. May we make the most of each day granted. Holy spirit, grant us courage to step out into the next phase of our lives, whatever that might look like, for we trust in You, Amen.

Support and inspiration on the journey.

It is a beautiful sunny day, a day to reflect on what I am learning. Even with my lack of understanding and weakness, I want to share this to seek to be a blessing to others.

It is over three years since my husband died. Foolishly, at this point, I thought this was rock bottom. I was a mixture of emotions- numb, exhausted, traumatised, desolate. What I learned subsequently, was that I had buried so much, that I was not even aware it was there. A mixture of grief, vicarious trauma and painful memories. As Colin was a veteran, he suffered in his life, and that impacted not just him, but also his family. Gradually it has all surfaced, and I am so grateful to those who have so patiently supported me on this journey of complex grief.

So what has helped? Beauty on the journey, the amazing restorative power of nature, especially water, the mischievous presence of my dogs, listening for hours to Christian praise music, retreats, the prayerful support of friends, the love of family. I am so blessed.

Another dimension which is crucial in my journey, is the work of Bessel van der Kolk and Bruce Perry. They have revolutionised my understanding of trauma, its impact on the body as well as the soul, enabling holistic ways of healing.

In recent weeks I have been reading a book ‘ What happened to you?’ describing a series of conversations between Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey on trauma, resilience and healing. I would really recommend this book, as a great introduction to this topic. It gives lots of information about the spectrum of trauma, and how to find healing. A whole spectrum of neuro sequential tools are offered, with the concept of regulate, relate, reason ( p279).

In the midst of the information about different forms of therapy, Bruce Perry talks a lot about the importance of healing communities, including dance, music, sports. And He says that even better than a great therapist,(although that is highly recommended) is ‘having access to family, community and culture…… with cognitive, relational based and sensory elements ( p230). Connectedness is one of the greatest elements of healing, being seen and been heard.

People who have taken the time to hear me, have been so significant on my journey. And I pray everyone who feels marginalised, neglected or alone, will find a safe place to tell their story, and can find a community to connect with, where they will be valued. And it gives me a vision of what I think church should ideally be like, a place where God welcomes every individual, and brings healing to those who feel broken. I feel called to seek to develop this, but I am such an early stage.

I just want to thank you for reading, and if you have any ideas or inspiration, please do share them. I would love for there to be more places of safety and healing for people who are in difficult or dark places. As a community, may we do what we can.

Gracious God, Your presence is always a place where we can find refuge, safety, love and acceptance- thankyou. Lord Jesus, you experienced so much trauma and suffering in your life, so much injustice. We weep at the way you were treated in this world. Yet Lord, out of the darkest, painful experiences in our lives, help us to find a wisdom that might help others. So many suffer and are fearful and restless. May your holy spirit encourage us to find our healing path, and as we grow stronger, to share what we have learned to offer this to others, Amen.