Lighting a candle, who knew it could be so hard!

I am so enjoying lighting candles in this season of Advent. Candles speak to me of light and hope and life. They are so calming!

So I went to light a candle this morning, and I had run out of matches. That seems like a small thing, but the thing was it had enormous emotional overtones too. For about 30 years ago, my late husband Colin bought a batch of boxes of matches. In his usual exuberant way, he bought 30 boxes at a time. And we have been using these boxes of Cook’s matches over all this time. But today, when I went to look, the last one has gone, and I can’t find any more. It is another link with him that is gone.

December is such a poignant month. So many symbols of hope and love, families coming together, concerts and nativity plays, and the reverence and joy of Christmas services, and the celebration of the birth of our Lord.

Yet at the same time, you miss the people who aren’t there, you think of old memories, you feel an ache of what is missing. The shadow side of it all, that is often unspoken.

I am going to have to go out and buy new matches. I might shed a few tears, for life seems to be moving on, and I have no choice but to go with it. A little thing in the universal scheme of things, but such incidents affect so many bereaved people. And so we listen to each other’s stories, and weep together, even in the unlikeliest of places.

Gracious God, You are our Creator, and You have made this universe and planet to be good and beautiful. Yet there is a season for all things, and along with enjoying what is lovely, we are saddened by death and loss. Lord Jesus, be our light and shine in the darkness. Little things can have such resonance. We feel the pain, but know that life cannot stand still. Hope spirit, breath new life and energy into us, comfort us, and give us courage to move on, for Jesus sake, Amen.

So fed up feeling helpless!

It has been raining much of the day. It feels like it has been raining in my soul too. It is easy to feel downcast- the news from the Ukraine is searingly awful, along with news from Afghanistan, Yemen, Syria and so many other places. I feel pretty helpless.

It seems a common theme. Today I went through some old papers of my late husband’s, and it just felt overwhelmingly sad. Rereading diaries, reawakening old memories and wounds. It was depressing.

There are so many times in life when we feel helpless. I remember when I had broken a bone in my foot, and I had made a doctor’s appointment asking for a ground floor appointment. Of course when I got there, it was an upstairs room that was allocated. I sat on the bottom stair,so frustrated, and thinking I am going to have to crawl, which is going to be just a bit undignified, but there was nothing else to be done.

Maybe this is a season of helplessness. Lent is the time when we think of Jesus alone in the desert, resisting temptation. It feels like a time of confronting reality, and it is so stark.

And yet, when we feel helpless, we know that Jesus is walking with us. Just as he came alongside Cleopas and his dejected friend on the road from Jerusalem, Jesus comes alongside us, and somehow we find strength.

We might feel helpless, but it is not the truth. When faced with the violent darkness of war, we keep praying for peace and doing what we can. When I reread old journals, there are some lighter memories also. When I was stuck at the bottom of the stairs, some one switched rooms, so I could have a downstairs appointment. It was just a struggle, but these moments of despair passed.

When we feel under pressure, or unable to do much, we remember God’s words to us: “Do not be afraid, for I am with you. I will strengthen you, I will help you. I will hold you with my right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

Gracious God, these feel like dark days, where we feel helpless to combat all the sadness and suffering in the world, whether personally or internationally. Lord Jesus, please come along side us, and through your loving presence may we find strength. May your holy spirit remind us that we are not powerless, for with You nothing is impossible. Help us to wait upon you, and to pray and to trust, and to know that help is on the way, Amen

‘A grief that feels like fear’

There is a new film out about C S Lewis ‘The most reluctant convert’. I would love to see it, and to find out more about C S Lewis’s life. CS Lewis was born in Belfast, fought in world war one, lectured at Oxford University, and was a friend of JRR Tolkien. He was a fascinating man, who went through a long period of his life as an atheist. However in 1929 he became a Christian. He wrote many books of insights about Christianity, as well as the famous Narnia series. He also wrote a philosophical book about ‘The problem of pain.’

Later in his life he married Joy Davidman Gresham, and sadly she developed cancer, and died in 1960. Lewis then wrote a slim book ‘ A grief observed’ about how it felt to lose someone. It is very intense, and I want to share a quotation from the beginning of the book:

‘No one ever told me that grief felt so much like fear. I am not afraid, but the sensation is like being afraid. The same fluttering in the stomach, the same restlessness, the yawning. I keep on swallowing.

At other times it feels like bring mildly drunk or concussed. There is a sort of invisible blanket between the world and me. I find it hard to take in what anyone says. Or perhaps gard to want to take it in. It is so uninteresting. Yet I want the others to be about me. I dread the moments when the house is empty. If only they would talk to one another, and not to me.’

I find this quotation so deeply moving, such an accurate description of the physical sensations of grief, a mixture of detachment and fear. And he speaks of that restlessness, where you cannot settle or concentrate, you want company, but you don’t have the focus to listen properly. It is like living a vortex of contradictions, that are confusing and disorientating. You wonder if things will ever feel different.

In John chapter 11: verse35, it says ‘Jesus wept’. He wept over the death of his friend Lazarus, and was deeply moved by the grief and bewilderment of Mary and Martha. His was troubled at all that was taking place.

Jesus understands our grief, even when it is raw and unsightly, even when we are sobbing, eyes red and face blotchy. He doesn’t turn away, but sticks with us closer than a brother, holding us in the pain and questioning and emptiness. The presence of Jesus doesn’t solve all our problems, but His love quietens our soul, and helps us to heal and rest, and to carry us through sleepless nights of replaying memories and of lamentation. And so we keep trusting.

Eternal Father, You look upon us with mercy and grace, especially when we feel alone and struggling. We mourn over so many losses, some so very raw and others that recur from the past, catching us unawares. As we struggle with powerful and difficult emotions, Lord Jesus You come alongside us and weep with us. You sing over us, and quieten us with your love, bringing your healing lullaby of peace to our exhausted souls. Your Holy spirit helps us not to fear, and carries us through the darkest of nights, enabling us to rest. Thankyou Lord, Amen.

What is life about?

As a teenager, I remember wondering what life is all about. People talked of leaving school, maybe going to college or university, having a family, retiring, travelling and then there was a pause….. Then we were face to face with our own mortality.

I was searching for answers, and used to wonder if there was a God, and if so what would that God be like, how could I find out. After many questions and discussion and pondering, I came to faith at university, and it was amazing. To look at Jesus’s life and ministry, touching those with leprosy, challenging the corrupt, showing tender love to the vulnerable, teaching about forgiveness- that His life revealed the character of God- that blew me away- a God who stands up for truth and justice, yet stoops to pick up the weary- it made perfect sense to me, and still does. The purpose of our lives is to learn to receive Christ’s love, and then share it with others. God’s love is my anchor and Jesus’s teaching and way of living his abundant love poured out for all. And the Holy spirit revives my soul when I am empty, and strengthens me when I am struggling, and inspires me to imagine a better world, and how to do a tiny part to partner God in this. What a privilege.

‘ We love because He first loved us.’ 1 John 4:19.

Every day, Jesus teaches me more about love. Henri Nouwen’s concept of the wounded healer seems central, that somehow through the cross, we find forgiveness and healing, and that through the woundedness of our stories, God can also touch the lives of others.

I so want everyone to know how much they are loved. Whatever your struggles or wounds or difficult memories, Jesus wants to bring healing and wholeness. It is often a process, and can involve many stages and twists and turns, but having Jesus with you makes everything better.

Accompanying Colin, watching his struggles as a veteran, with his head injury and ptsd symptoms and difficulties, meant I learned so much, about prayer, and love and holistic therapies that helped him. He still had such a tough time, but finding prayerful and sympathetic people along the way, made all the difference. And so I am grateful.

For now, I wonder what road God is calling me on, as I want to use what I have learned to support others. I don’t have all the answers, but I know that to connect with others seems the greatest privilege in living, to show grace and care, in the same way as God cares so beautifully for us. May we learn to trust Him more.

Dear God, Your ways are so much higher than ours, and we can struggle to understand life. We have so many questions. Lord Jesus, on the cross, You show us the true nature of love, to be willing to lay down your life for others. Thank you for all who show such love for others, people in the medical profession, people who are carers, people who serve at home and abroad. Holy spirit show us our purpose in life, and inspire us to live more closely to our Saviour, and to serve others with the abundant beautiful love that You have shown to us, for surely this is why we are here, Amen.

The anguish of war movies.

When I first wanted to start understand my late husband Colin better, as well as listening to his military experiences, we watched some war movies together. This was to give me more insight as to what war could feel like.

Over time, we watched movies like Platoon, Full Metal Jacket, Apocalypse now, Letters from Iwo Jima. At the time, I felt this was really useful, helping me realise the confusion, brutality, senselessness and anguish of violence and conflict. Another film that was particularly memorable and disturbing was Jacob’s ladder, thinking of the delusions and sheer hell of war.

Whilst these films enabled us to talk through issues of war, justice, the horror of impossible choices, the loss of humanity involved in battle, I think they often retramatised my husband rather than helped him. They reminded him of duty, comradery and courage, but also reinforced all the nightmares of darkness and pain and questioning.

At this point in time, I can’t bear to watch any of these movies any more. They just speak to me of the senselessness and savagery of combat, which brings overwhelming sorrow and anguish. The cries of the wounded and maimed seem to echo forever in my head.

And so I look to Jesus for guidance. Our Saviour personally experienced the worst cruelty and violence of humanity, yet His love was never diminished or tarnished. He kept forgiving, was full of goodness, kept working for an eternal kingdom of truth, goodness, justice and peace.

In different seasons of our lives, different things are helpful. Films, plays, books can all remind us of the moral complexities of conflict, their longlasting and often devastating impact on individuals and communities. There are theological and philosophical challenges as to what constitutes a ‘ just war’. Having any understanding or insight into each context, helps us pray and campaign and protest, as our conscience leads us.

I am struck by the extent to which I felt, and can still feel as if I was in some of these military conflicts with my husband, because of all the memories he shared. PTSD is not just experienced by veterans, but also often by their families. This vicarious trauma, is because of their exposure to repeated stories and re enactments of violence and suffering.

My concern therefore is that veterans and their families get the support they need to work through these traumas, and find a self worth, understanding, healing and peace. These can come through various trauma therapies, and ultimately from Jesus Christ, as our Healer and the Lover of our souls.

Meantime, we also need to find balance, by focusing on the good, the brightness of sunshine, the joy of a pet, the taste of a good meal, the encouragement and prayers of a friend, the inspiration of the Holy spirit.

I remember the words from Philippians chapter 4, where Paul writes: ‘finally dear friends, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, if anything is excellent or praiseworthy- think about such things’. As a corollary to thinking of the darkness and barbarism of humanity, we need to remember the light and beauty and nobility, and so these words speak to my soul.

Let us pray, Dear Father God, you look upon us with the mercy and kindness of a beloved parent. On this earth, we fight and squabble, we often loose sight of our humanity, we use torture and violence all to easily, especially in times of conflict and war. Lord Jesus, please forgive us, heal us, restore our humanity, bless our veterans and families, and give us wisdom as to when war is ever necessary. Holy spirit, help us to notice the good, the pure, the lovely things in our midst, and to find our peace, Amen

The scream of trauma.

When considering the state of the world just now, the scream of trauma seems to reverberate across every land- the child in the refugee camp, the parent unable to feed their child, the person subject to sexual violence, the individual unjustly incarcerated. For no fault of their own, often people end up caught in cross fire, suffering anguish which can damage and break a spirit. It can be so overwhelming to contemplate, and so we often switch off by not watching the news, saying that these scenes are too much to bear.

As a Christian, I can’t pretend these things are not happening, whether it is the war veteran struggling with violent memories, of the human rights lawyer in a Chinese prison, or a survivor of abuse. Some days I can’t do much, others I can pray, write letters, campaign, give.

Jesus never turns his back on those who cry to him, he understands mocking, physical assault, trauma, to feel alone in the darkness. On the cross he cried: My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?’ Matthew 27:46

In Isaiah 42: 3 the prophet says: ‘ a bruised reed he will not break, and a smouldering wick he will not snuffout’ and this reminds us of the tender care of God, for those who are hurting and feel bruised by life’s tribulations. God has a deep concern for those who are suffering, and in anguish.

So if some one has suffered trauma and abuse, what can we do? There are many routes in different circumstances, judicially involving the police or safeguarding where appropriate, and counselling, prayer and specialist help.

Last year I had the privilege of listening to Dr Bruce Perry talking about childhood trauma, and then reading one of his books ‘ The boy who was raised as a dog’. The book gives different case studies of traumatised children, and offers different approaches as to what helps. It is a hard but beautiful and deeply emotional read.

Dr Perry recounts true case histories of children, and tells us of the impact their trauma has had on their brain development. This in itself is such a detailed area of neuroscience, with so much to learn. And the things that can help bring healing are empathy, understanding, connectiveness, healthy relationships and love.

And so, when we think of that scream of pain echoing round the world, we pray for a powerful wave of God’s love in Christ, to heal and bring forgiveness, trust and places of safety, where people can find restoration and grace. And God often uses doctors, such as Dr Perry, and so many others, to bring understanding and healing for so many. We are thankful for all who work in neuroscience and psychiatry to bring support and help to others. And we are thankful for the wider trauma therapists also, for the wisdom and insight they bring. We need to be discerning in this area, but also to be thankful for God’s healing power in body, mind and soul.

Let us pray, Gracious God, You created this world to reflect the harmony of the trinity, but instead we fight and exploit and tear apart. Forgive us for our cruelty and greed. Lord Jesus may there be many wise healers, who heal not just with medicine, but with prayer and empathy, understanding and love. Holy Spirit, help us not to turn away from disturbing screams, from ourselves and from others, but help us to be honest, and through tears and lament, to find our healing, Amen.