Thoughts in the night.

I have been struggling with jet lag recently, and so have often been unable to sleep. It is amazing the thoughts thst come into your mind in the middle of the night. There is something about the darkness that brings out the worst in our soul. If you can think positively in the day time, in the darkness that perspective seems to evaporate.

Instead, the temptation is to let negative thoughts take over. We mull over regrets- could we have handled that differently, what if we had thought of it like this? And all the worries we kept at bay during the day time start to multiply- what if this happens, or that goes wrong, or that plan does not work out. Catastophising, spiralling- it all gets worse in the small hours of the morning. (and can be much exacerbated by mindlessly scrolling to boot!).

So what do we do? We can pray- just offer all the mess to God and say help! A helpful prayer could be ‘ Please help me remember my reliance is on You for all things, and set me free from the burden of trying to work it all out.’ If there are particular worries on our minds- health, relationships, work, finance- we give it over to God. We can do some things ourselves to make things better, but we also need to acknowledge out limitations, the things over which we have no control.

If we first give our worries over to God, then we secondly try to focus on things that can bring hope. Maybe you have a lovely playlist of music you listen to, which can be soothing. Or a favourite bible verse that you repeat again and again till it sinks into your soul. Sometimes people get up and make tea, or watch a comedy for a while and then try to go back to bed. Or you can try lavender on your pillow, or listen to a sleep app bedtime story. Sometimes we just rest, even when we cannot sleep.

I remember the story of Jacob wrestling with God in the night in Genesis 32. It is portrayed as physical wrestling, and by morning Jacobs hip is broken but he finds peace with God, and feels blessed by Him. We can be wrestling too- with regrets, anxieties and worries. Yet sometimes it is non productive, and we get stuck. So we ask God to forgive us for our past mistakes because of Jesus Christ, and pray for new beginnings through the holy spirit. Our prayer might not be answered in an obvious way, but even just to get into the habit of giving our cares snd worries to God, makes a difference in itself. Even in the night, may we know that God is with us.

In another encounter with God, in Genesis 28, Jacob says ‘surely God is in this place, and I was not aware of it.’ Even in the darkest moments, may God’s presence bring hope.

Eternal God of the day and of the night, of the dusk and of the dawn, may we entrust our lives into your care in every hour. In the night, we can feel alone, our fears get the better of us, and we can become desolate and dispirited. Rather than loose ourselves in negative spirals, may we turn our faces to You and shout help. Lord Jesus, when Peter was disappearing under the waves, he cried to You, and immediately You stretched out your arm to Him and saved him. Thankyou Lord, that You hear our cry too, and save us, even from that dark part of ourselves. Holy Spirit, in the midst of our wrestling, remind us of love and light and hope, and bring us to the morning, transformed and blessed. May the light bring perspective and possibilities for renewed trust and strength for each day, in Jesus name, Amen

After the fire…

When I was visiting Jasper last week, the impact of the recent fire of July 2024 was very much in evidence. The fire last summer caused the town to be evacuated, and burned 32,000 hectares of forest. It was an upsetting sight to see the charred remains of the trees, looking like broken spindly sticks against the snowy landscape. The fires started because of lightning strikes, and spread quickly.

Locals are worried that tourists won’t come because of the damage, but I would encourage everyone to visit Jasper. It is still stunningly beautiful, and visiting brings money into the area and encourages the recovery of the local economy.

One of the local people told us stories about the fire, and the heroism of local people who helped evacuate people to places of safety. He also explained about the regeneration that can happen in a forest even after a devastating fire. There are of course different circumstances dependent on topography and wind direction etc. But even after the worst fire, regeneration gradually begins.

The charred remains of the trees, the ash, brings nutrients to the soil. Hardy grasses stabilise the soil, and many of the trees self seed. Gradually the process of ‘succession’ the recovery of the forest takes place. It can take a long time, but new growth of various types begins to emerge.

I found the symbolism of this to be deeply moving. Seeing the hectares of charred tree skeletons was awful, but even in this bleak landscape, somewhere down below, seeds are germinating and trees resprouting.

Sometimes our lives can feel devastated by some tragic event or difficult news. It can be catastrophic, like everything has burnt to ashes, and we are deeply disheartened. But it is good to remember that even after the worst disaster, new life can emerge, even just the tiniest green leaf. We just need to be patient.

In the Bible in Isaiah chapter 61 verse 3, God speaks of bestowing on His people ‘ a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, a garment of praise instead of despair.’ Tbis is a wonderful promise of hope for those who feel their life is bleak or irrevocably damaged. Times of lament and darkness are real, but they do not last forever. Beauty can come from a heap of ashes, thanksgiving and praise after the darkest human experiences. Even after the fire, new possibilities for growth can emerge.

Eternal Father, You are our Creator, and You alone know the end from the beginning. We despair over all the disasters in our world, the devastation and pain. The landscape can be heavy and bleak. Lord Jesus You came to bring forgiveness, the promise of resurrection and new beginnings. Help us place our trust in You. Even after experiences of trauma and loss, may we notice evidence of greening and small seeds of hope sprouting around us. Holy Spirit, may we believe that there can be beauty out of ashes, and we pray and work for this. For seeing your love and beauty touch and transform peoples lives, and indeed this whole world is the yearning of our heart. In Jesus name, Amen.

Tears in the lift!

Invictus Games at Vancouver and Whistler.

I was staying in a hotel in Vancouver last week, and there started to appear a number of people with fluorescent yellow jackets. Emblazoned across the front of these jackets, it said Invictus. I started talking to one of the girls in the lobby, and she was a helper with the Invictus games that were just about to be held. As the days went on, I realised that the hotel was one of the sites where a number of international teams were living. I met them in the gym, the lobby and the lift. Many of them were in wheelchairs or had prosthetic limbs.

I am just learning about the Invictus games. They are international, this year with 23 countries represented. They were started in 2014 by Prince Harry and others, as a way of supporting wounded, injured or sick military personnel and veterans, through sports activities to promote recovery.

I was in the lift, when a veteran came in from a country I had a particular sympathy with. I manage to splurge out a few haphazard words, which did not ask for a reply. I just looked at his eyes just for a moment, and his eyes held such unimaginable pain and darkness, that I started to cry. He looked away, and I didn’t want to make it worse, so I didn’t say anything else. Eventually after that felt like an eternity, the lift doors opened and he left.

I haven’t been able to get him out of my head. The silent anguish in his eyes pierced my soul. He just looked as if he had been through so much. I know some veterans make good progress, and heal from their physical and emotional wounds, and i am thankful for that. But I am also aware of the number who really struggle, and who wonder if they will ever heal from the pain, the traumatic memories and the nightmares.

I am not a pacifist- I realise that there can be times when physical conflict can be the lesser of two evils. However there are so many questions about how we as a society treat those who fight for their country, to defend others or maintain the peace. How do we prepare people for conflict? How do we support their families? And how do we support those who come back feeling broken and betrayed because of what they had seen and done, who are questioning and have lost any sense of self. The ptsd symptoms and moral injury can be deeply disturbing and long lasting. We are still learning how to support those who struggle, with the therapeutic resources and physical and pastoral needed for veterans and their families.

These tears in the lift were significant because God used them to remind me of the pain and anguish of those who have served, and the horrendous scars, visible and invisible of our vetean community. It can leave us feeling helpless and ashamed at how little we can do.

And yet, confronted with the darkness of human violence and brutality, we start by noticing, and making space to ask difficult questions. When we don’t know ehat to do, we pray and ask God to show us how to proceed. I love Karl Barth’s quotation ‘ to clasp the hands in prayer is the beginning of an uprising against the disorder of the world’.

Noticing the pain of the human condition, however uncomfortable, motivates me to look to God for answers. We persevere in prayer. We see if there are opportunities to act, to support that neighbour who is a veteran, or that person at work, or the person in the homeless shelter. Sometimes we have the capacity to engage personally, to listen attentively and compassionately. At other times we support from a distance, by supporting a veterans charity financially or as a volunteer.

When faced with a suffering soul, I don’t believe that we should pretend not to have seen. As a society, I believe that we have a moral imperative to support our veteran community in effective and compassionate ways, open to learning from what they feel is most effective. May God show us how to do this.

Lord Jesus, You wept over the suffering of Jerusalem. You foresaw the destruction and carnage there, and you wanted to gather the people into a safe place, like a hen gathering her chicks under her wings but they would not have it. Eternal Father, how You must lament over our human sin and rebellion- where humanity chooses to slaughter each other over a piece of land or money or political advantage. People in power often seem to start such conflict casually, and those who serve, those whose homes are bombed and become refugees are seen as an inconvenience. Holy Spirit, help us follow the ways of our God, the teachings of Jesus. Especially this day, we ask for your blessing on gatherings like the Invictus games, and we pray that there would be an abundance of courage, connection and healing that is miraculous. May the devastating consequences of conflict inspire us to be peace makers wherever possible, and to treat with special tenderness those whose eyes are dull with raw pain and sadness. In Jesus’ healing and powerful name, Amen.

The train ride!

There are times in your life when you want to try something different. As part of my adventure in Canada, I thought it would be a good idea to go for a train ride through the Rockies. My idea was that there would be lovely food, and an inspiring time in the observation lounge admiring the dramatic craggy rock formation and bright stars at night. A once in a life time trip.

I was a bit near the time getting my ticket, so I was to be in a recliner seat for the 20 hour journey. No bother I thought, it would be worth it for the experience. How hard could it be?

It all started off well. I was at the station early, I had a coffee and bought snacks. I got on the train at the end of a very long platform. I had some food, the staff were lovely, and I sat in the very quiet observation carriage and took a few photos of the snow covered landscape in the soft dwindling light.

It was dark, and I went back to my reclining seat. It was noisy in the carriage and a toddler was crying angrily. I had no WiFi. The night continued. The train kept stopping in the middle of nowhere for no apparent reason. It was still noisy and my book seemed a rather ambitious read. I tried to find a comfortable position, but I always seemed to be tangled up and sore, and at times I slid right off the seat. Sleep remained elusive. Closing my eyes was all i could manage. At 2am we had a stop, at what looked like a freight station and the conductor announced that we could get off to stretch out legs. I was not doing that- I might miss getting back on the train in the night and be wondering round thousands of freight containers for the rest of my life.

I am not going to lie, there were some weary and uncomfortable hours, when I thought why did I ever think this was a good idea?

And then after about 5am, I found a new rhythm. I decided to pray for friends, and family and the world. The woowoo of the train became comforting, the rocking motion reminded me of being held in a cradle. God transformed the things that were annoying me, and helped me come to terms with them.

I tell this story because often life follows this pattern. We are excited about doing something new. It goes well for a while, but then we hit a setback, and we are disorientated and discouraged. We question.

I think the thing that helps is that when we are doing something different or learning something new, it is good to remember that it is natural to have darker moments. Things are seldom exactly as we hope. But in these moments, we are not to give up, but to ask God to help us adapt, to find new insight, to refocus on the good.

Eventually on my train ride the morning light came. My eyes still felt as if they were on match sticks, and I was still exhausted. But I had a coffee, my energy returned, and I had a sense of achievement. I had survived a 20 hour train ride in the Rockies, and it had been good. At the end of it all, I saw new unimaginable things and arrived in a new place. It was all worthwhile.

Gracious God, at times we can be in danger of being stuck in a rut and so we try new things. We start off full of enthusiasm, bright eyed and bushy tailed. But then things are different from how we anticipate, we get tired and it is tempting to despair. Lord Jesus, thankyou that when we look to You, that You can transform our situation. Holy Spirit remind us of all that is good, help us to see the funny side of things, to accept setbacks, and to pray they might only be temporary. Keep all those who travel safe this day, and may the kindness of strangers always surprise. May setbacks never deter us from trying something new, and may we have courage to be pioneers even when it can feel daunting. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Deep calls to deep…

I have been so privileged to be able to travel recently. Travel reminds me there is a big beautiful world out there, and helps give me a sense of perspective. I have met so many fascinating people along the way, people who share their stories and something of themselves.

At the weekend I went to Niagara falls, and I stood for ages just mesmerised by the powerful and noisy rush of water cascading over the edge of the precipice. It was so loud, and carried such force with it. And when you looked at the water, it was a myriad of colours blue, turquoise, green, grey, white. I felt almost hypnotised by the scale and majesty of it all- it felt quite ethereal.

It reminded me of the psalmist, in Psalm 42 verse 7 where the psalmist says ‘ Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls, all your waves and breakers have sweet over me.’

The psalmist is lamenting, remembering a better past, and his soul is longing for God like a deer longing for water. And beside this waterfall, he experiences the presence of God, and he chooses to put his hope in God once more, and to praise Him once more.

May we all have waterfall experiences, where that deep connection with God is restored. It cannot always be put into words, but it is like the love and mercy of God cascading over us, cleansing and refreshing and reviving our soul. And that is the very thing we need the most.

Gracious God, our lives can be out of kilter, alienated from ourselves and from others, and we cry to You for help. Thankyou that You hear our cry of longing and pleading even from the darkest place We lament over the things that are lost, and listen for your response. And in the sound of the waterfall, powerful and melodic, we hear Your voice. In Christ Jesus, You restore us to Yourself, bringing that deep reconciliation and integration that we need. In your presence, the Holy Spirit recreate us in the image of God, so we are free to be our true selves, loved, purposeful and at peace. And when we get stuck again, which we always will, may Your love reconnect us, and bless and replenish our souls. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Brilliant frosting and silver swirls!

I know I need to have an ethical problem with flying because of global warming. I believe that we shouldn’t fly when we don’t need to, and we need to offset emissions.

Yet here I am going on holiday on a plane. I have a window seat, which doesn’t happen very often. I love looking out at the bright white dramatic cloud landscapes of mountains and precipices. You can imagine a whole world of characters and stories playing out in this pristine world.

Often the view out a window is just of non- descript clouds, a relentless, monotonous grey. And then another few hundred miles on there is a break in the clouds and you can just catch a glimpse of the seahorses playing in the sea below. On this trip, I think somewhere over Greenland, I saw some amazingly beautifully swirly ice formations! They were so stunning in form, just perfect. And I had a immense sense of awe at the vastness and brilliance of creation. Nobody else might have witnessed it (apart from the others on the flight). But it was perfect.

It is strangely reassuring that God creates such amazing vistas- whether ice mountains, or Brazilian forests or coral reefs and ecosystems in the ocean, even when no one might ever witness their exquisite beauty. It is a reminder that things matter, even when they are not seen. Now and again we stumble into an unexpected place, and catch a glimpse of glory, and we realise that we stand in the presence of God. No more words are required, for we just marvel.

In the book of Job chapter 38, God asks Job if he understands Him- if he has knowledge of the storehouses of snow, of the origin of lightning bolts and the constellations in the sky, which all point to the creativity and splendour of God. In response, Job humbles himself, and his faith is rekindled.

Eternal Father, like Job, we are so privileged to glimpse eternal vistas of eternity, and to realise the staggering gorgeous nature of the universe that speaks of Your glory, and to recognise our own finite nature anew. Lord Jesus- in You we see the very nature of God, for You speak the Words of eternal life, of love and strength and forgiveness and courage. May Your words encourage us never to give up, and for our wills to always be aligned with your will. Holy Spirit, thankyou for the reminder that what is unseen is eternal- whether the stars on an inky winter’s night, or acts of kindness and mercy. May we be reminded that nothing spiritual is wasted, even when it is unseen, and so may our lives also always bring glory to You.

There is always a place for you at the table….

One of the many things I love about Jesus was how often he chose to spend time with people, at a wedding, talking to people on hills in Galilee or the streets of Jerusalem. He engaged with everyone, teaching, challenging and bringing healing. He often asked questions and made people think. He wanted to bring the ways of heaven to earth. He went to the home of the tax collectors, spoke with the prostitute and those who were sick. He had time for everyone.

Our society is fragmented just now. Many people are lonely and scared, wondering who they are and what their purpose it. Since covid, we all seem to have grown further apart, alienated from one another. We got used to being alone.

Jesus often ate with people, with his disciples, friends and anyone around. He treated each person with dignity and respect. He welcomed people and showed them love.

If you are feeling a bit low today, or missing a loved one, or just out of sorts, please know how much you are loved. I believe that Jesus welcomed everyone, from the smallest child to the woman with a difficult story. He sees us, He welcomes us to the table and says ‘ there is a place for you.’. We are seen, cherished, loved.

It is hard to find our way in the world just now. Too many people wrestle with self doubt, with dark memories, with pride or shame or guilt. We wonder what is our life about. May we place our trust in our God who loves us. Even if we have faith just the size of a grain of mustard, that is enough. May we each know the welcome and grace of our God.

In Luke 14: 12-24- Jesus spoke of a banquet, where the people to be invited were the poor, the crippled, the lame and the blind. The idea was that no one was to be missed out, and everyone welcomed. May we take this to heart, and also seek to show hospitality to others, in the same way as God welcomes us.

Gracious God, there are times in our lives when we can feel cut off from others, questioning our worth, feeling invisible. Thankyou Lord Jesus, that You always see us, and make a space for us at your table. We come not on merit, but because of your grace. We are humbled and deeply grateful that You see and welcome us even when we do not deserve it. Holy Spirit help us to realise the meaning of your grace deep in our souls, and to know we always have somewhere we belong with You. Thankyou Lord.

Hope in the storm.

Storm Eowyn is all around us just now- there are violent squalls, dancing trees and thunderous waves crashing on our shorelines. The noise of the winds overnight have kept people awake, and hopefully as many people as possible are inside. We pray for people to keep safe, and think of people who have to work, the homeless and the vulnerable who are at risk.

I feel so fortunate as I am warm and dry- I am in a place of shelter, and I am reminded of Elijah who took refuge from his life in a cave on Mount Horeb. He was exhausted and fed up and questioning. In 1 Kings 19 we hear of his story. In a dark moment in his life an angel appears beside him, and gives him food and drink, and then leads him to this cave- a journey of 40 days and nights.

Whilst Elijah is in the cave- he is told that the Lord is about to pass by, and there is a powerful wind and storm. Elijah waits for a message from God, but it comes not from the wind, or earthquake or fire, but in a gentle whisper. And God’s message to him gives him a new way forward and people around him to help. And he is reminded that he is not alone.

We all have our time of being in the cave- a place of darkness and exhaustion, but it can also be a place where we surrender our pride or any illusion that we can fix things by ourselves. In a safe place just with God, we can be completely honest about our failures, our struggles, our doubts, our worries, our woundedness. It is a place where we can open our hearts.

For Elijah, he felt as if he had failed and that his life was worthless. Yet God had mercy on him, sends an angel to tender to him, gives him time to physically recover, and then speaks to him words of encouragement. In that safe spiritual place where we speak with and listen to God, I believe that He has a message of love and grace for us, and message of restoration and hope. We just need to find our safe place, and pray for the Holy Spirit to speak to us, so we can find new strength and healing.

Eternal Father, we thankyou that You see us, and that You look upon us with love. Sometimes we feel like Elijah, worn down or disillusioned with life, and we cry out to You. Thankyou that You send angels to minister to us, that You care for our physical needs, and then speak to our souls in the most unexpected of ways, even a still small voice. Lord Jesus, in your earthly life, You took time away from people just to be with your Father, and to enjoy His presence. May we too, at the prompting of your Holy Spirit, take that time, to hear your Word in season, to know your healing, and to rediscover hope, even in the midst of the storm, for Jesus sake, Amen.

Soaring worship!

Today I was thankful to venture out into a snow covered landscape up at Glencoe. The scenery was crisp and breathtaking, with snow that glinted with gold in the sunshine, swirling clouds and deep blue skies. There was an enormous sense of space and freedom in the landscape.

Sometimes we can rush past beautiful scenery, with it just forming a backdrop to our lives. However it is good to deliberately take time, to stop and stand and stare, as the poet W H Davies said. When we are attentive to the often gorgeous nature of our enviroment, it can make all the difference- whether noticing the bright stars in the inky night sky, or the violet and crimson colour of the dawn.

In the Bible, mountains often symbolise strength and inspiration. People were seen as closer to God on a mountaintop. Moses received the ten commandments on Mount Sinai. Jesus would retreat to a quiet place in the hills to pray and commune with His heavenly Father. Being in a place of space and beauty helped people be aware of the presence of God.

In psalm 90 verse 2 it says, ” Before the mountains were born, before You brought forth the whole world, from everlasting to everlasting, You are God’. There is something about the character of a mountainous landscape that inspires awe, and humility and worship. There is a feeling of wonder and purity of worship, of being in the very throne room of God. Pausing, and allowing that sense to deepen and envelop us, enables our worship to soar, and for us to feel closer to God.

As we go further into this new year, may we be attentive to the landscape around us, to notice God’s hand at work, and to allow ourselves to be more thankful and inspired. May the Holy Spirit quieten our soul, so we can discern the hand of God and reverently praise our eternal God.

Eternal Father, You have created the wonders of this world to tell forth Your truth and glory. Lord Jesus, forgive us that we often hurry mindlessly from one activity to another, forgetting to pause and look up, to take time to reflect and pray. From everlasting to everlasting You are God- as we hear these words we bow down before You. Through your Holy Spirit, purify our souls, our very lives, and in our worship may we rededicate our lives to You with reverence and praise, now and for all eternity, Amen.

Trying less hard and trusting more!

Trying to do things in our own strength!

Sometimes when things are difficult, what you think is- I need to try harder. If I can figure out a different approach, or if I study more, or if I work more hours, or pray longer, maybe everything will get better. It all can seem very reasonable as a plan.

However trying harder is not always the answer. Sometimes we can fixate on different options or ideas, but actually they are not going to change things. Sometimes the situation is not going to improve, or change for the better, and working harder just masks the reality of the underlying issues.

At times in my life, I have gone for the trying harder option. I have wanted to fix things, make them better, even when it has been costly. That has seemed a very Christian thing to do- to take up your cross, to persevere, to find a way forward.

However in my older age, I have realised that I need to stop and question things long before that stage, because I need to ask for wisdom to see things clearly, to have discernment. Often when you are involved in a situation, you don’t have any objectivity- instead you have memories, emotions and perceptions, but you are so intertwined in them all, that you just think you should try to figure it out.

However sometimes God calls us to pause, to seek Him in prayer, to reflect with a trustworthy person, and to ask for guidance. There are times when persevering is no longer the right path, and God says to us to let it all go, and sends us in a new direction. This can be a wake up call, but can be healthier for everyone involved.

The verse in Proverbs 3: 5 and 6 makes it sound so easy; ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight ” When we try to work harder to make a situation better, although we can be well motivated, at times we are not seeing things through God’s eyes. Maybe we have played our part, and now it is some one else’s turn to do the next bit. That is not failure- it can be wisdom.

The turn of the year provides a space to reflect. We look at our lives, and ask God to show us our path, what to let go of, and what to embrace. To see your situation with greater detachment, can enable a discernment- what is our path to be, what brings us closer to God, in what ways can we bless others and also grow in our own faith. Some potential decisions would be disastrous, so we ask for strength to avoid these. Others might need some exploration as they are ambiguous. In all things we listen to the Holy Spirit, and trust that God will reveal more of His purpose to us.

In this new year, for me I know I need to try less hard, but listen more deeply for God’s voice. Being on the right path can help me find a deeper peace, and a better way to live.

Gracious God, we often try so hard to make the world better, by working long hours, by getting more knowledge, by making excuses for bad behaviours. Lord Jesus, You came to bring us forgiveness for our sins, and then to set us free. Forgive us when we try too hard to make things better, when we are working in our own strength. Set us free from false expectations, show us how to make wise decisions, and to live more fully in Your love. May we all learn to walk in the light, to listen for your Holy Spirit, and to trust You for the next step in the path, so we can find peace, in Jesus’ name, Amen.