Intersections of trauma and grace…

The world feels so broken just now- so many suffering in conflict zones, refugee camps, and situations of bullying and abuse, poverty and disaster. These are many questions as to how we can work for justice and also respect the dignity and value of every human being.

I have been thinking of that brokeness, partly through the lens of trauma. Gabor Mate defines trauma as a soul wound, as ‘an inner injury, a lasting rupture or split within the self due to difficult or hurtful events’ and also ‘what happens inside you because of what happened to you.’ The Myth of Normal p20. So many people feel hurting and disconnected after experiencing distressing and terrifying events.

So many of the descriptions of Jesus in the gospels are about healing- touching the leper, listening to the outsider, bringing sight to the blind man. His ministry was often seen amongst the people on the road, whether noticing the man in the tree, or the child who was unwell, or the woman in pain. His tender gaze and wise questions, enabled people to find peace and healing.

In this world of suffering and injustice, and taking into account our own brokeness and shortcomings, how can we show the love of Christ? It is partly through prayer, friendship, hospitality and advocacy for those who are marginalised. I think it is also though using a trauma informed lens, so we can use psychological and neurological insights too. There is so much overlap between Christian principles and practices, and being trauma informed and holistic. Humans need physical healing, trauma therapy, but spiritual support and guidance also.

As Christians we are called to show the love of Christ to all people. Recently I have discerned a call to do some research into the impact of trauma and moral injury in the veteran community. Moral injury can be defined in different ways, but in essence is a distress caused when a person has been involved in something which has violated their conscience or ethical framework, and has caused questioning, shame and guilt.

I feel called to this particular area, because of lived family experience. It feels like a way of seeking to embody Jesus’ love for this part of our society, and many people are working in similar issues in other groups, so hopefully we can all learn from each other. It means taking some time out of parish ministry to do it justice, but I feel this is my priority for just now. I want to listen to the stories of veterans and their families in Scotland and in the USA, and if you have a story to share, or know someone who does, please get in touch- woundedwarriorfg@gmail.com

Some verses that have always resonated with me are from 2 Corinthians 5, especially verses 17 to 19 ‘if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone, and the new has come. All this is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ, and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting our sins against us. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation……’

For me, healing is holistic, and comprises of showing love and forgiveness, and pursuing advocacy and justice. Yes, we want to listen, and see healing in body, mind and soul, but alongside that we are called to be a critical friend to the system that may have caused fracture or damage.

When I started writing this blog, I said it was about the struggles of being a Christian in a messy world. That is still very much the case, and I have so much to learn. Thankyou already to those who have prayed for me, and shared their insights and ideas. I have benefitted greatly from your support, and seek to follow Christ’s call to play my small part to bring healing and reconciliation in a divided and chaotic world.

Gracious God of justice and mercy, love and goodness, You must look at this world and weep at the greed, violence and corruption that tears us apart, and causes so much destruction. Lord Jesus, You came into this world, that through the cross, You bring an offer of forgiveness, healing and reconciliation to all. By your Holy Spirit, show us if there is something you want us to do, to bring acceptance, healing and moral repair to those whose lives have been marred by violence and trauma. As a society, may we let go of past prejudices, and toxicity, and instead embrace prayer and humility to gain a deeper understanding of our differences, so we can build a more just world. Amen.

Seven years of lament!

Today it is 7 years since my husband died. I came across to Millport, where as a family we had a lot of marvellous and poignant memories. I am looking at the hills which form the silhouette of ‘the sleeping warrior’. In his better days, Colin used to climb the hills in Arran, and he loved the outdoors, and the Scottish landscape especially.

In recent weeks, I have been privileged to have the opportunity to tell my husband’s story to different groups of people. It has been great to do this, but also profoundly moving. Every time I share, I am reminded of different details, some of which I have tried to forget.

Colin was a veteran, who sustained a head injury in active service, and consequently developed epilepsy, which became progressively degenerative. He was a thoughtful, kind man with a wild sense of humour, but his years of service left him with ptsd symptoms and a sense of injustice at some of the things that had happened to him. He became a Christian, and found solace in God’s presence with him, but at times he was restless and had deep wounds to his soul.

I am so thankful for his life- his love of singing, his writings, his intelligence, his love. But I lament over the depth and length of his suffering, and memories of his frustration and irritation at the things he could no longer do. He served his country, but the consequent cost was all consuming, and impacted all around him.

When I was pondering over this, I was also noticing it was 7 years- years with different emphases- with jumbled patterns of grieving- numbness, despair, hope, grace, frustration, healing. In the Bible the number 7 is often associated with completion and rest, with The 7th day being a day of rest after the creation of all things, and the last book in the Bible Revelation speaking of 7 churches, 7 seals and 7 trumpets. I don’t think my grief is ever going to lessen, but maybe this cycle of grief might be complete, for something else to take its place.

In this new stage, I appreciate honouring Colin’s memory by continuing to tell his story, and to see if there are trajectories for enabling others in similar situations to tell their stories too. I have discovered that it can be challenging but healing to tell your truth. The story of Colin’s life is still available by contacting me directly, or from Amazon or Handsel press- the book about his life is called ‘Love song for a wounded warrior.’

In Mark 5, after the healing of the man disturbed with demons, in verse 19 Jesus says ‘ go and tell your people how much the Lord has done for you, and how he had mercy on you.’ The man went and shared about the difference that Jesus had made in his life.

We often live messy lives, where there have been mistakes, suffering, questions and heartbreak. Yet God is with us in the midst of it, offering forgiveness and abundant healing balm, restoring and strengthening and guiding us. We want to tell the world of such a gracious and caring God. There is still much mystery- many things we will not understand this side of eternity. Yet in the midst of both thanksgiving and lament, we trust- and take opportunities to tell our story. If we encourage just one other person, it is worth it.

Gracious and Eternal God, You are the creator of all things, and the heavens tell forth Your glory. We are grateful for the lives of those who are now in Your nearer presence, who inspire us every day. You have made us in your image- we are letters from Christ, written by the holy spirit, to convey your all encompassing love to others. We are unworthy- our stories are of struggle, of both joy and sorrow. Yet by your grace may our stories touch the soul of others. And may we create more safe places where personal stories might be shared and heard and appreciated. May we bear witness to the precious history of each individual, and pray and hold the space for them, so all can find deeper healing. Give us that desire to listen attentively to both rejoicing and lament, and to love in Your name, Amen.

Remembrance- dark memories and a cascade of love

Remembrance weekend is so emotional. We remember veterans, those who gave their lives, those who were injured in body, mind and soul, and their loved ones. We remember conflicts and wars since the 1914-18 war, and we give thanks for the freedom that we now have, bought at such a high price.

We want to honour our veteran community, and when we listen to their stories, there are some that are so dark and so distressing. For some veterans, they kept many aspects of their military service quiet, because it was too painful to recount. These memories still haunt many today.

I have a deep desire to explore what brings healing to traumatised people. I am just learning, as there are so many components, a safe place to tell your story, integrated therapeutic approaches to healing, prayer, a supportive community. I dream of a day when every person who is sore and broken, finds that safe place for soul and body repair. Waiting lists for counselling are often so long, and it can be hard to find a listening space. We pray for the right space, the right person at just the right moment, for each individual in need.

In his earthly life, Jesus listened to His heavenly Father in prayer when he withdrew to solitary places ( Mark 1:35), and this gave him strength to listen to those he met on the road, a woman who was tired and poorly, a man whose child was sick, a shamed woman at a well. He listened, showed compassion and brought healing.

For us as a society, we too often speak in voices that are shrill and strident, each voice trying to dominate the other, rather than listening with humble and open hearts. In a broken and conflicted world, where the cost of the battle is so clearly seen, may we promote healing by compassionate and attentive listening, and working for justice, wherever possible.

Creator God, You created a world where there was meant to be harmony and mutual care, symbolised in the garden of Eden. Yet our human rebellion, our failure to get on, sabotages our relationships again and again, and brings destruction and violence and war. Lord Jesus, have mercy on us, forgive us. Today we give thanks for all who have fought to make the world a better place, and who have suffered harm and loss. Lord Jesus, may Your love and light bind up the wounds of the broken, and help the troubled find peace. Holy spirit, help us chose not to destroy but to build, not to tear down, but to nurture and encourage. On this day, when the darkest of memories of war are particularly poignant, may the cascade of your love bring hope for a better tomorrow. In Jesus’ name, Amen

Remembrance!

Each year we have the painful but very necessary opportunity to remember those who have given their life in conflict and war, those who have been injured or maimed, and to think of their families. It is so important that we do this, as it is too easy for us as a society to forget. We remember all wars, from the first world war in 1914-1918, till the present.

This year, many people are talking about how poignant it is especially for veterans who have fought in Afghanistan. After the sudden withdrawal of troops in August this year, the Taliban quickly swept back to power, and there are many people who are living in fear, women scared to go out, families without food. We think of the many who helped troops – interpreters and humanitarians, who are desperate to escape, fearful of reprisals, and worried for their safety, and of their relatives. It is tragic.

One journalist spoke to veteransfrom Afghanistan living in Canada, where they were talking about how painful it is to remember. There are so many unhealed traumatic memories causing flashbacks and nightmares, it is hard to re- engage. However we do so to remember those who gave their lives, and those who still live today. We are all privileged to do so, but it is so agonising and at times almost unbearable. So we choose to remember in different ways.

At Remembrance, I think of Colin, who was so proud to serve, and to try to make the world a better place. But the cost was so great, that it is is heartbreaking. At times it seems almost too distressing to contemplate.

When thinking of the pain of remembering, it reminds me of the last supper, where Jesus told his friends to remember him, by sharing bread- which was his body broken for them, and wine- his blood shed for them. He told the disciples that everytime they eat and drink, it was to remember him. The first time they did this after Jesus’ death and ascension must gave been so emotional, tearful, for their sense of his loss was so great. Yet it also brought them comfort, for through the sacrament, they experienced the nearness of His presence. And so we continue to remember today….

Remembering is painful, but we pray for all those affected by war, that somehow Remembrance Sunday might help. It hopefully reminds people that they are not alone, that what they did was worth something, that they have significance. We hope that in the silence, even in the moments where there are memories too deep to be expressed in words, that they might know the comfort of a God who cares. And also a feeling of solidarity with millions around the world.

Gracious God, You are the Eternal God, our Refuge, and underneath are the everlasting arms. In the midst of painful and sometimes excruciating memories, may we nestle in your arms. Prince of Peace, our Lord Jesus Christ, you call for justice and reconciliation, but at times we cannot forgive ourselves nevermind others. Please be with all those haunted by what they have seen and done, and bring your healing love, and your peace. For those living under threat today, may they find a place of sanctuary. Holy spirit be at work on this Remembrance Sunday, to help veterans know that they are seen, their pain acknowledged, and that somehow there is still a hope and a future for them. In Jesus’s name, Amen.

Engaged and distracted!

Aching beauty even in times of change and loss.

Autumn is a stunning time of year- the varying colours and textures, the sounds of leaves crunching underfoot and the aching beauty of bare branches and naked trees. It is a time that speaks of loss and the inevitability of change.

November is a difficult month for me, and the heaviness of Remembrance seems all too near. The trauma and suffering of military personnel and their families seem tangible.

We seem to cope with trauma and loss in such diverse ways. There are times when we seem numb, when it all seems remote. The coping strategy is to look for distraction from the pain, to watch too many boxed sets, to go to the gym, to eat tubs of ice cream. We do anything not to engage, not to have to feel.

But every now and again, it catches us up, and we feel intensely. It could be a moment in a film, or a message from a friend, or just a word in a sentence, and it brings it all back, so that we crumple and fall apart.

Bessel van der Kolk says: ‘traumatised people chronically feel unsafe in their bodies. The past is alive in the form of gnawing interior discomfort. Their bodies are constantly bombarded by visceral warning signs, and in an attempt to control these processes, they often become expert at ignoring their gut feelings, and in numbing awareness of what is played out inside. They learn to hide from themselves.” p97 The Body keeps the score.

This is such a good description of that feeling of numbness. For short periods, it can protect us, as when we are in shock after something terrible has happened. But the danger is that if we stay there too long, that we lose ourselves. And so we need to find the courage to come out and face the pain, however excruciating that can be. Noticing and acknowledging the impact of trauma, is the first step. Often we need to go through this process in company with a trauma informed therapist, or grief counsellor, who can help people to work out what is going on, and to create a safe space to heal.

There are times when we need distraction from the reality of life, the pain and cruelty are too overwhelming. But at other times, we need to have the courage to engage with our story, and the impact it has had on us. At these times of honest engagement, then we are open to finding the long, meandering road to wholeness.

The words of Psalm 32: 7 reminds us that in God’s presence we find safety “You are my hiding place You will protect me from trouble, and surround me with songs of deliverance.” With God, we can find that safe place to be honest, to lament, and to begin to trust and to find the wholeness we seek. And so we take that first step…….

Gracious God, You see what happens to your precious children, that we hurt others and get hurt, that we experience loss, and disappointment and trauma. Sometimes we hide, and pretend everything is OK, just to protect ourselves from possibilities of danger. Lord Jesus, You show us such acceptance and love, that your presence is a safe place for us to be to be honest, so we can pour forth our hurts and our wailings. In your perfect timing, may we find courage to be truthful, even when that is uncomfortable and strips our souls bare. May Your Holy spirit help us find pathways through pain, to healing and trust and new growth, Amen.

Legacy of love.

Today is the anniversary of the booklaunch of ‘Love song for a wounded warrior’. I am so grateful for all who have been so supportive, prayerful and understanding to our story. That has made such a difference.

I started writing Colin’s story because I was journalling. I have kept a prayer journal for many years. When Colin became too unwell to complete his writings, I wanted to use my writings to give context to his words, to try to explain that they were fragments of his experiences, because over time to lost the capacity to relate his memories. I hope to eventually feel a sense of completion to have honoured his wishes in this way. Thankyou to all of you for helping me do this.

One of the things I learned about Colin’s complex military traumas was that he felt better when he told his story, was heard and understood. He felt alive telling stories about his experiences, whether it was a critical incident or a car bomb. And so there is something so powerful about sharing something of your interior life, and being heard, even if just by one person.

For me, Colin has left a legacy of love. He showed me what courage looked like, humour in the face of distress, defiance against the odds, faith in no man’s land, in a bleak and desolate territory of nothingness.

So, now I have to ask God to continue my healing, and remind me of my purpose to let these experiences enable me to in turn support others. I want to use my legacy learnings for good in the world. God is guiding me through this process, and I am so grateful. One of my learnings is that I really enjoy writing, and I want to continue this, at least for this season. I think I want to write some more contemplative pieces also, so there might be more variety in what I offer.

In the ‘Four Quartets’ T S Eliot wrote ‘ in my end is my beginning’. The circularity of life cycles is striking, and I pray that for all of us, in the midst of grief and painful endings, new buds and new life will emerge.

I often go back to the words of Jesus in John chapter 12:24 ‘ I tell you the truth, unless a grain of wheat falls to the ground and dies, it remains a single seed. But if it dies, it produces many seeds.’

This helps me make sense of life, for sometimes dreams, familiar ways of thinking, even people have to die. But in the mystery of all things, there gradually emerges new life and possibilities.

For anyone struggling with trauma, fear and grief, I desire healing and new possibilities for you. It is a difficult road, but our Saviour walks with us, and we explore the legacy of His love forever.

Gracious God, You know all things, You love us, and redeem our life from the pit, and crown us with love and compassion. When we are in that dark pit however, we grumble and complain and cry out to You, for we feel scared and alone. And through the cross, Lord Jesus, You offer us cleansing, and forgiveness and acceptance. You embrace us with the blanket of your love, and keep us safe. May we humbly receive your grace. Give us courage to tell our story, and to find our healing. May your holy spirit help us honour legacies of love, and use our learnings and insights to he an encouragement and blessing to others, Amen.

Transforming wounds into scars.

There is a quotation from the American military leader Douglas MacArthur ‘the soldier, above all other people, prays for peace, for he must suffer and bear the deepest wounds and scars of battle.’

This week, I witnessed the aftermath of a road traffic accident, where a car hit a cyclist. The cyclist, a young man had a gash to his head, and was bruised and on a state of shock, and taken off in an ambulance.

Seeing his injuries, got me in touch with that feeling of what being wounded can feel like, the initial surprise, feeling faint, the pain, the blood. It is such a debilitating thing, where you feel helpless and vulnerable.

For many people, including veterans, our wounds are not just physical but also emotional and psychological. Past traumas can stop you functioning, as powerful memories replay in your mind, paralysing you, and stopping you function. Triggers, which bring buried memories back, can cause reactions which look random, but which are part of people’s coping strategies, and these strategies then often become part of the problem.

How can these wounds be healed? If it is a bodily injury, a wound needs to stop bleeding, for it to be cleaned out, and then for healing to take place. Wounds can be prone to infection, so sometimes they need to be cleaned out again, for ointment or antibiotics to be used. The healing can be itchy and uncomfortable, but eventually a scar is formed, at first looking angry and raw, but eventually fading.

For emotional and traumatic wounds, there is a similar process. There are practitioners in traumatic therapies, that can help people acknowledge the terror and the pain, and start the journey of cleansing, forgiveness and healing. The book ‘ The body keeps the score’ by Bessel van der Kolk demonstrates the range of possible neurological and community based programmes that can help.

In parallel to this, as a Christian, the balm of Gilead comes to mind. In Isaiah chapter 1 verse 6, the prophet describes a broken nation: ‘from the sole of your foot to the top of your head, there is no soundness, only wounds and bruises and open sores, not cleansed or bandaged or soothed with oil.’ In a similar situation in Jeremiah in chapter 8:22 the prophet asks ‘is there no balm in Gilead?’ This balm was an aromatic and antiseptic medicine, to bring healing. The balm is often interpreted as the soothing and restorative love and presence of Jesus Himsrlf.

To transform wounds to scars, is a surprisingly raw and long process. It can involve prayer, the transformative healing power of Jesus Christ, and an understanding and loving community around you. It can involve wise and sensitive trauma therapies which allow the wound to be cleansed, and for deeper and lasting healing to take place. The scars will always remain, and they are not something to be ashamed of, but they are part of our story.

Gracious God, as a world we are so broken, and we hurt and are in pain – so much violence and cruelty. Lord Jesus Christ, thankyou that You are the wounded healer, and that You come alongside us, and remind us of the scars you bear. May Your Holy spirit guide us to individuals and communities that are supportive and wise. May despair and darkness never overwhelm us, for there is always forgiveness and love and hope. May the oil of Gilead flow, and bring healing to all haunted by traumatic pasts, to transform open wounds into healthy scars. May we all be channels of your grace and peace to others, Amen.

In memory of Colin.

Love Song for a wounded warrior- first anniversary of publication!

This week, it will be a year since the publication of ‘Love song for a wounded warrior‘ a book aimed at telling the story of the late Colin Gardner, to publish his poetry and writings of his time in the military, and to share something of his experiences as a civilian coping with disability and trauma.

I am so thankful to everyone who has shared this journey with us, with grace, patience and prayer. I am so thankful for those who have listened and shared insights. I am so thankful for people who have become more aware of the plight of veterans, who often just can’t come to terms with what they have been through, and who struggle profoundly.

The book ‘ Love song for a wounded warrior’ is available by contacting me directly, or through Amazon. It costs £10, and all the proceeds are split between the Coming Home centre in Govan, and Epilepsy Connections. So far, over £3,200 has been raised, so thankyou again. There is purpose in raising money for these two excellent charities, so others might be supported.

One of the outcomes of this process that I did not understand when I set out, was the privilege of getting to know a new online community interested in this theme. It has been a real joy to hear your stories and we all seek to support each other. It feels like a healing community, gathered under this umbrella.

I found it very difficult to share our story- it was too intensely private and personal. A song that really helped me was Mandisa ‘s ‘Born for this’ based on the story of Esther. The idea is that there is there are times you feel compelled to speak, even if you are not invited, you don’t have the floor, but you feel you need to stand apart from the crowd, and find courage to speak.

This story is a tough read. Colin’s experiences were harrowing, and for us as a family trying to help him find the support to find peace, it was messy, frustrating and often bewildering. In the midst of it, our Christian faith gave us strength, and there were many poignant and humerous moments!

I am really humbled by people’s responses, and would encourage all of us to have the courage to speak, even when we feel hesitant or if feels painful. Much prayerful discernment is needed, and talking it through with the people closest to us, and listening to God. Sometimes however, we just can’t remain silent…..

Over this anniversary week, I hope to blog a few times about some of the themes of the book, and why I want to raise awareness. As a Christian too, I want people to have freedom to be able to express the messiness, heartbreak and trauma of life. Life is often tough, and we need to be real. Hopefully this encourages others to realise that they are not alone.

I am inspired by Psalm 45 verse 1- this is the New Living translation: ‘ beautiful words stir my heart I will recite a lovely poem about the King, for my tongue is like the pen of a skilful poet.’

I am not a skilful poet, but I do want to honour God, by telling our story, and the difference that Jesus has made in our lives, so that it might encourage others in difficult and painful places.

Gracious Father, You are our Hiding Place in life’s storms, and You keep us safe. Lord Jesus You understand the ugliness and sadness of our stories, and You are with us, holding us in your love, forgiving our doubts and rebellion, and reminding us of your presence, even in the darkest places, when we feel alone and afraid. May your holy spirit always guide us, to reveal when we should be silent, and when we should speak, and may all our stories be a blessing and encouragement to others, Amen.