Advent tears.

Advent- a time of preparation- not just preparing for Christmas, but for the coming of Jesus Christ, the baby of Bethlehem, the Saviour of the world. It can be a time of people coming together, of food preparation, of carol services and prayer. We enjoy Christmas hymns in candle light, nativity services and the Word being proclaimed. Worship is sacred and meaningful.

Something I have noticed however, is that sometimes in worship we are told to be joyful. I understand that joy is a gift from God, and that there is so much to give thanks for. However people can be going through difficult days, when joy can be elusive. People can have health concerns, be experiencing family heartbreak, or the recent loss of a loved one. It can feel that everyone else is doing ok, but that you are not.

It seems so important to give people space to be real. Christmas can be a poignant time, with people travelling long journeys, under pressure to buy things they can’t afford, isolated from loved ones, remembering those no longer here, haunted by memories from the past.

We often sanitise the Christmas story, remembering only angels, shepherds and wise men. We forget the incredulity of Joseph, the stress for Mary, that long uncomfortable journey to Bethelehem, and the uncertainty of what was going to happen next. Having a baby round the back of the inn must have been a frightening experience for a young girl. Placing a new born baby in a manger, gives a small insight as to the impracticalities of the whole thing -the Messiah, being born on earth in the most humble and unlikely of circumstances.

In Matthew’s gospel, chapter 1 verse 22 it says ‘all this took place to fulfil what the Lord said through the prophet ‘ the virgin shall be with child, and will give birth to a Son, and they will call him Emmanuel, which means ‘God with us.’

We are so thankful for the presence of Jesus with us in all circumstances. As we come nearer to Christmas, we may well feel joy that we can celebrate Christ’s coming. But for those whose hearts are heavy through pain, worry or grief, may we acknowledge this, and sit with them without pressure or expectation. And may each person know that their story is known by God, that they are seen and not forgotten, and that they are treasured and loved.

Eternal God, You are our Creator, and we are so thankful at our Saviour coming to earth in the form of a human baby, vulnerable and small. Lord Jesus we are thankful that you are our Emmanuel, the God who is with us. We marvel at your grace to us, when we so little deserve it. We want to worship You, and to celebrate your birth. Sometimes however, our hearts are sore, and we worship through our tears. In our communities, help us to accept each other, in the same way that You welcome us, just as we are. Holy spirit, whatever our circumstances this Christmas, may our lives be touched by You, and may we experience, comfort, love and hope. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

The blessing of libraries!

In the last few weeks, I had the joy of entering into a new library. It was so wonderful, full of amazing books, inviting desks, digital catalogues and periodicals and journals. It even had a coffee shop attached…..

One of my first part time jobs was in a library. I loved sorting the books in the Dewey Decimal system, and trying to answer customer queries. You never knew what was going to happen next, and you were always learning.

There are so many quotations about the power of reading. We might think of Dr Seuss ‘ the more you read, the more you learn. The more you learn, the more places you will go.’ Or the quotation by Gail Carson Levine ‘ a library is infinity under a roof’. There are so many possibilities to learn new things about the planet, to get lost in an imaginative fictional world, to be challenged by the most exquisite wordsmanship in poetry and prose. It is being able to connect with the ideas and insights of millions of people around the planet on every conceivable topic. It is an open door to experiencing some of the most inspirational and uplifting of thoughts.

I love libraries because they offer opportunities to listen to some of the most inspiring people. However I choose not to read things which are cruel or offensive. I read things from different viewpoints, because I need to be challenged, and my mind enlarged. Yet I seek discernment as to what will build me up, rather than pull me down.

As a Christian, I do love reading the bible. I so appreciate the honesty of the psalms, the wisdom that different characters learn, the gospel accounts of Jesus’ life, the letters written by leaders in the early church. Some parts are harder to understand- and lead to questions as to why something was included, what an action meant in the culture of the day, how to interpret meaning. I pray for the holy spirit to help me, every time I open its pages. The words from psalm 119, verse 105 help:

‘Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light for my path.’

The bible is a library of books in itself, and I pray for God to help me to approach its pages with humility, and a desire to learn more of His Love.

Having so many amazing books to read is such a gift. Having so many translations of the bible, and to have them so freely available is also something never to be taken for granted. May we use our libraries well, to keep them open. And may we take every opportunity to learn, and to grow in our appreciation of the world, and in our spiritual journey.

Gracious God, You spoke, and the heavens and the earth came into being. We thankyou for the power of words, and ask that they might be used not to diminish and destroy, but to bless and to heal. Lord Jesus- Your teaching brings wisdom and truth. Help us to not just hear, but to live out Your truth. Holy spirit, we give thanks for the wonder and beauty of life, in all its complexity and depth- in the midst of it all, may we always be open to learning- guide us to live well, and to love wisely. In Jesus’ name, Amen

Intersections of trauma and grace…

The world feels so broken just now- so many suffering in conflict zones, refugee camps, and situations of bullying and abuse, poverty and disaster. These are many questions as to how we can work for justice and also respect the dignity and value of every human being.

I have been thinking of that brokeness, partly through the lens of trauma. Gabor Mate defines trauma as a soul wound, as ‘an inner injury, a lasting rupture or split within the self due to difficult or hurtful events’ and also ‘what happens inside you because of what happened to you.’ The Myth of Normal p20. So many people feel hurting and disconnected after experiencing distressing and terrifying events.

So many of the descriptions of Jesus in the gospels are about healing- touching the leper, listening to the outsider, bringing sight to the blind man. His ministry was often seen amongst the people on the road, whether noticing the man in the tree, or the child who was unwell, or the woman in pain. His tender gaze and wise questions, enabled people to find peace and healing.

In this world of suffering and injustice, and taking into account our own brokeness and shortcomings, how can we show the love of Christ? It is partly through prayer, friendship, hospitality and advocacy for those who are marginalised. I think it is also though using a trauma informed lens, so we can use psychological and neurological insights too. There is so much overlap between Christian principles and practices, and being trauma informed and holistic. Humans need physical healing, trauma therapy, but spiritual support and guidance also.

As Christians we are called to show the love of Christ to all people. Recently I have discerned a call to do some research into the impact of trauma and moral injury in the veteran community. Moral injury can be defined in different ways, but in essence is a distress caused when a person has been involved in something which has violated their conscience or ethical framework, and has caused questioning, shame and guilt.

I feel called to this particular area, because of lived family experience. It feels like a way of seeking to embody Jesus’ love for this part of our society, and many people are working in similar issues in other groups, so hopefully we can all learn from each other. It means taking some time out of parish ministry to do it justice, but I feel this is my priority for just now. I want to listen to the stories of veterans and their families in Scotland and in the USA, and if you have a story to share, or know someone who does, please get in touch- woundedwarriorfg@gmail.com

Some verses that have always resonated with me are from 2 Corinthians 5, especially verses 17 to 19 ‘if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone, and the new has come. All this is from God, who reconciled us to Himself through Christ, and gave us the ministry of reconciliation, that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting our sins against us. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation……’

For me, healing is holistic, and comprises of showing love and forgiveness, and pursuing advocacy and justice. Yes, we want to listen, and see healing in body, mind and soul, but alongside that we are called to be a critical friend to the system that may have caused fracture or damage.

When I started writing this blog, I said it was about the struggles of being a Christian in a messy world. That is still very much the case, and I have so much to learn. Thankyou already to those who have prayed for me, and shared their insights and ideas. I have benefitted greatly from your support, and seek to follow Christ’s call to play my small part to bring healing and reconciliation in a divided and chaotic world.

Gracious God of justice and mercy, love and goodness, You must look at this world and weep at the greed, violence and corruption that tears us apart, and causes so much destruction. Lord Jesus, You came into this world, that through the cross, You bring an offer of forgiveness, healing and reconciliation to all. By your Holy Spirit, show us if there is something you want us to do, to bring acceptance, healing and moral repair to those whose lives have been marred by violence and trauma. As a society, may we let go of past prejudices, and toxicity, and instead embrace prayer and humility to gain a deeper understanding of our differences, so we can build a more just world. Amen.

A gentle rest.

I have the good fortune to be abroad, with opportunities to swim in the warm, azure waters. It feels like freedom to move through the waves, and to feel the vastness of the sky above, and the softness of the sandy ocean floor below.

And now and again I just float on the surface, gazing at the cloudless sky, and being rocked by the waves. I enter the water with a thousand concerns and worries, and cry out to God, asking for discord to end, and harmony to be restored. People seem to be fighting in every sphere, with so many hurt, confused, disillusioned and weary with it all.

When I am buoyant in the water, gazing at the flurry clouds languidly dallying across the sky, it is a moment of being gently rocked by the movement of the waves. It feels immensely peaceful. I let go of my worries and anxieties, and just be. Especially in these moments, God feels very near. I remember the verse from Isaiah 30;15

‘ in rest and returning you will be saved, in quietness and trust you will find strength.’

In these days of acrimony, we try to discern what is best, we pray for insight and wisdom, we become exhausted trying to work out our views on many divisive issues. We need to use our brains, to ponder, to pray. But there are also moments, when I think Jesus just calls us to come spend time in His presence, just to be in His love, and to receive from Him. These times are precious and healing, reconnecting us deeply with the love of Jesus Christ.

Jesus said to his disciples ‘ Come to me all you who are weary and heavy burdened, for I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls’ Matthew 11: 28-29

There are seasons, when we feel deeply the weight of a world polarised and divided, and we are bewildered and weary. Especially at these times, Jesus is gentle and patient with us, calling us to rest in His arms. Here, may we find the restoration and peace we seek.

Mighty and gracious God, we know of Your truth and mercy, Your beauty and goodness, and we trust that we can come to You as your beloved children. We acknowledge that we often try hard, but we make mistakes and can get disorientated in the plethora of strident voices and shouting. Lord Jesus, when we are confused and exhausted, may we always return to your presence, to rest in Your arms, to be cradled in your gentle acceptance and grace. Holy Spirit, at some point You will lead us back into the complexities of the modern, hurting world. Yet just for this time, may we enter into Your gentle rest, and find nurture and renewal in your Holy presence, Amen.

The swallows are leaving……

Over the summer I have loved watching the swallows and swifts darting and then soaring over the water, and hiding in the eaves. They are so dainty and energetic and joyful to watch.

It is very still around the loch, when these gorgeous birds migrate south. I have a yearning for their company, but know that being thankful for the memory of them is enough. I always find it astounding that such little birds fly south to Africa over the winter, sometimes flying 200 miles a day. They show such strength and perseverance, and seem to have an innate compass within.

The leaving of the swallows are a symbol of the end of summer, of a farewell to one season, and an invitation to embrace the new. Autumn might be a softer more mellow season, but it is equally beautiful. We are not to fear change, but to be prepared to move on, and to look for new possibilities in the landscape beyond.

The swallow, for me, symbolises that a fragile and diminutive being, can travel long distances, that seem way beyond their capacity. So God can use us, even when we feel fallible and inadequate, for His good and loving purposes. The secret is having the courage to set out, and then the wind of the Holy spirit guides us and carries us forward.

In Isaiah 40: verse 31 it says; ‘ those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles……..’ Whatever our circumstances, may we continue to place our hope in God, and find a strength in Him that carries us through.

Gracious God, Creator of all things, we thankyou for the birds of the air and the fish in the sea, for the incredible stories of animals in their habitats, and the rhythms of the earth. May we be attentive to the earth, be willing to protect it, and to learn from your creation. Thankyou for the way You speak to us through birds- swallows, sparrows and eagles -giving us courage to transition from one season to another, to know that You see us, and value us, and lead us in new directions. Lord Jesus Christ, as you called the disciples, reveal more of your purpose for us. Holy Spirit grant us perseverance, renew our trust, and equip us to explore new territory, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

Prayers so needed!

Sitting in a coffee shop watching people on the morning communte. Often their heads are down, they look tired and as if they have the weight of the world on their shoulders. Listening to people, they are speaking of targets and cutbacks and pressure. It feels as if we have become aworld where statistics matter more than people. Instead of providing services that support people, companies are trying to get as much profit from each individual transaction, however that is obtained.

On the international scene too, we seem to have lost the plot. Backroom arms deals and the pursuit of perception of status and power dominate, instead of paying attention to the cry of the marginalised and the vulnerable. There are so many terrible situations of conflict, originating in visions of delusional schemes for self aggrandisement and power, and that are completely unnecessary. The concept of the dignity and worth of each individual, and the concept of justice have been jettisoned.

I think of Jesus, looking at Jerusalem, and weeping, and in one moment saying ‘Jerusalem, Jerusalem, how I have longed to gather your children together, as a child gathers her chicks under her wings, but you were not willing’. Matthew 23:37 Jesus wants healing and peace for the people, but they are rebellious and obstinate and will not listen.

Maybe we need to pause, and questioning what we are doing as individuals. Are we conforming to a world where greed and self interest rule? Or will we follow the teaching of Jesus, where we choose mercy over judgement, purity of heart over money and status ? Every time we choose to honour people’s dignity and humanity, we are rebel against much of the culture of our age.

You might say, well the church and other Christian organisations do not have a good history in this area. That is true. All denominations have fallen short, and we need to admit that, to timeously address what is wrong and make amends where that is possible. Acknowledging fault in the past, should strengthen our desire now to refocus on following Jesus’ teaching, to be wise, to work for justice and to love without measure, whatever our situation.

Karl Barth once said ‘to clasp the hands in prayer is the beginning of an uprising against the disorder of the world.’ May we persevere in prayer, for the kingdom of God to come, where wellbeing and peace are valued more than strife and war. May we catch a glimpse of the power of prayer to bring change, and ask the holy spirit to help us to pray without ceasing.

Lord Jesus, You saw the suffering and devastation of the people in Jerusalem. You were moved with compassion and you wept. May we wake up to all that is wrong with human nature, the greed, pride, the hypocrisy and corruption, and to weep at the suffering here and in the wider world. If we are honest, we acknowledge that we too are guilty of putting our own needs before the needs of others. Lord Jesus forgive us. Teach us to pray and act for a better world, in our daily work and lives, and in our prayers for a just and healthy humanity on this planet. Holy Spirit, may this not be a passing whim, but a commitment to pray every day, for You can do beyond what we dare to dream, every time we intercede for others. May people of integrity and compassion bring change in our society, and may that change start with us, Amen.

Preparing for a spiritual pilgrimage…

I am blessed to be going on a Spanish spiritual pilgrimage. I am just a little anxious- I don’t know all the details of what’s involved, who is going etc. It feels very much like an unknown quantity.

I knew I needed to prepare, and I asked God to show me what to do. I supposed that I needed to review where I am in my life, the positives, the regrets, the state of my soul. Sometimes life is so busy, we can feel rather numb, and taking time to notice how we are feeling is healing in itself.

A phrase that has kept coming back to me, is that ‘the pilot light’ is still on.’ At some times of our lives, we can be enthusiastic and energetic about our faith. At other times things are quieter, but our faith is still there.

It reminds me of the verse in 2 Timothy 1:6 ‘ I remind you to dance into flames the gift from God, which is in you by the laying on of my hands.’ I guess going on any form of retreat or pilgrimage, this is s good starting place, that we ask thst God fan our faith into flame.

Everything to do with God, with Jesus snd the Holy Spirit is anchored in love, and asking God to help us to have a deeper experience of His love is also central. In Revelation 2:4 John records the angel of the church of Ephesus saying that they had fallen short of their first love. As Christians later on life, at times we are in danger of growing luke warm- tired, disillusioned and sad. And so we ask the Holy Spirit to pout out His love into our hearts, so we can receive healing and peace from Him.

To prepare for a pilgrimage, we need to take an inventory of our life, to ask God to give us a spiritual health check, and to help us to know what we most need. Maybe we need courage, or guidance, or comfort or a deeper experience of grace. Whatever it is, we can ask for this, and that we might grow closer to Jesus Christ as a result. For all who are going on pilgrimage, may we take time to review our spiritual health, to discern what we most need, and then surrender to our loving and wise God.

Lord Jesus Christ, You called people to come and follow you. We often start off enthusiastically, and with conviction and passion. Sometimes in the midst of our calling, You ask us to change path, or to vary our stride. We question and cry out, we need time and space to reflect and pray, to notice what is happening in our souls. Help us to listen and to be obedient. We thank you for the place of pilgrimages and retreats in the Christian world, and we pray for a deep experience of your vibrant love, healing and blessing. We pray for all in the community of faith who undertake this journey. May your Holy Spirit grant us whatever most need, and may we have open hands and a humble heart to receive. We ask this, Loving Father, that me might be our true God given selves, more able then to be vessels of Your love and mercy in this broken and hurting world. In Jesus’ name, Amen

Disentangling the impact of negative memories….

As I spoke about in my previous blog, we experience wonderful things in life, but also have more destructive, negative memories. We acknowledge them, and then we can commit them to God, to bring healing, to help us find forgiveness and peace. This can take a life time, but God’s Holy Spirit brings connection and insight which is so beautiful and facilitates our journey.

An insight into this which I wish I understood earlier, is the impact of negative memories on thought patterns, decision making and identity. For example if we tried to do something new as a child, and an adult mocked our effort and put us down, we might not try next time. Even worse, we might convert that into a damaging self belief, that we are worthless and not loveable.

Traumatic or difficult memories, especially when we are young, can give us a negative bias, where we are over cautious, anticipate disaster and doubt ourselves. It can be a difficult way to live.

There is so much good news however, to balance this all out. Neuro scientists discovered neuroplasticity, and the way that the brains neuro-network can be reshaped to form new patterns of connections and processes. This can take a lot of work, with an accredited therapist, to identify the roots of current throught processes, and to reprogramme them. There are many techniques which support this- they differ as to what is most effective for each person, but they can be very effective.

On a spiritual level, this seems to have been understood over centuries. In the psalms for example, we are urged to ‘meditate on God’s Word all day long’. Psalm 119:97 As with the prayerful practices of the desert mothers and fathers, there is a sense of letting God’s word speak to us, and let it sink deeply into our souls. The truth of God’s love for us, cleanses us from self doubt and brings healing.

In Romans 12:2: Paul writes ‘ Do not conform to the patterns of the world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind.’ If we are transformed by God’s love, by the working of the Holy spirit, then old chains on our souls which imprison us, are loosened, we can see more clearly, and disern God’s will. Negative thought patterns and beliefs fall away, and we can discover our true God given identity, and we find deep peace.

There are books that speaks of the impact of tramatic memories. ‘ What happened to you? Conversations of Trauma, Resilience and healing’ with Bruce Perry and Oprah Winfrey is a good introduction to this topic. I think so much here is congruent with Christian teaching about self reflection, love and community, as being central to personal growth and healing. Utilising the insights from neuroscience, combined with prayer and spiritual wisdom brings a wide variety of opportunities for wholeness, which is to be acknowledged, explored and celebrated.

Gracious and Eternal God, we give thanks for all that is good and wholesome and lovely in this world. We rejoice with those who rejoice. Yet we also mourn with those who mourn– those who have experienced bullying, trauma and sorrow. Lord Jesus, You come alongside those who struggle with difficult memories, with self doubt and fear. You know what it is like to face insults and negativity. Please bless and heal those who wrestle with pain and self doubt. Teach us to place our trust in You, and may your Holy Spirit transform old destructive patterns of thinking into a dance of creativity, light and hope. Help us live lives characterised by balance and wholeness, connection and possibility. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Memories- both unsettling and healing!

Memories can be such a comfort- we might think of a summer day away, or a special meal, or a childhood recollection. We might remember family and friends, laughter and sunshine, joy and exuberance! In later life, we can take such delight in such moments.

However, we often don’t mention the more difficult memories, times of illness or grief or trauma. We keep them to ourselves, keeping a protective coating over them. The significance of dates is a good example. We celebrate birthdays and anniversaries in community, but the darker remembrance of difficulty, tragedy or loss are often recalled more quietly. What do we do with the unsettling memories, the ones that have been unspoken or unacknowledged?

I wonder sometimes as a society if we need to be more honest. Maybe we are scared to be real, because sometimes people take advantage of us. It is true that trust needs to be earned. We need to choose who to trust. Yet being real, rather than pretending everything is ok, often seems more healthy. Another example of this is in funeral eulogies. People can leavea service thinking they don’t recognise the description of the person, because only the good has been shared. Of course, we want to be gracious, but hinting at some of the person’s more human characteristics can be healing.

I was reading John O’Donoghue’s Anam Cara: spiritual wisdom from the celtic world’. John wrote with such wisdom and lyricism. He speaks of our regrets and difficult memories as inner wounds. He says we need to approach them with great tenderness. Sometimes we are to acknowledge them, and let them be. Other times, we are to have compassion and examine them. On page 225, he writes ‘when you forgive yourself, your inner wounds begin to heal. You come in out of the exile of hurt into the inner joy of belonging. The art of integration is very precious…’

When we experience heaviness and regrets about the past, we can bring these painful memories to God. Through the holy spirit, we can discern how to deal with them- if it is a hurtful memory, can the injustice be wisely addressed? If we have a sense of shame, can we find forgiveness and healing? Often working with a trusted counsellor or therapist can help us on this journey

Jesus said ‘ the truth will set you free’ John 8:32. We pray that we might know the truth, both uncomfortable and inspiring. May the beautiful and loving moments leave a legacy of love. And may the darker, more difficult memories help us learn and grow, and strengthen us in enabling dignity, respect and compassion in our attitudes and actions, towards others and to ourselves.

Gracious and Eternal God, You alone know the past, present and future, and are present in each. We live in the present, and want to live attentively and fully. We still have hopes and dreams for the future. Lord Jesus Christ, we give thanks for the stories of our lives, the rough and the smooth, the joys and the sorrows. We give thanks for all that is good and wholesome. We ask forgiveness for our mistakes and shortcomings, and the hurt this has caused. We ask for grace to forgive the pain and distress caused to us by others. Holy Spirit, when we get stuck in traumatic and unresolved memories, heal us and set us free, and may we find the right people to help us in this spiritual journey. Enable us to find peace and integration, so we can live each day in gratitude and love. In Jesus’ name, Amen

Trying not to fix things……

I have been travelling, and as usual my bag is too heavy with books- bulging at the seams. I end up with aching shoulders, wondering why I do this, and resolving never again to pack so much heavy stuff in my hand luggage. I need to learn to travel lighter.

Travelling lightly can have a deeper meaning too, as sometimes we get too emotionally weighed down. We get caught up in people’s stories, we take responsibility for things that are not ours, we try to shape things that are not ours to control. We can become exhausted, anticipating where problems might emerge, and trying to trouble shoot before they happen. It can be wearying, and even worse counter productive.

Having good boundaries is part of the Christian life. Jesus called us to love others as we love ourselves. This means a balance between service and self care. We are to care for others, but not so that we become empty. We are to self care, but not in a way that becomes selfish and oblivious to the needs of others.

I have always loved the verse in Proverbs 4: 23 ‘Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life’ This means that we are to take good care of our heart, so it doesn’t become bitter or hard. We are to trust God, and to do what we can, but then leave it with Him. Our temptation is to try to tell some one what to do, instead of supporting them listen to Gods voice for themselves, to try to fix that difficult situation, rather than to watch and pray but know it is not ours to interfere with. Things are often so much bigger than we recognise. We are not responsible for the decisions or actions of others. May God grant us the discernment we need.

Eternal Father, before Your face, generations come and go, and yet the patterns of human behaviour seem set. We often want to do the right thing, yet end up doing the wrong. Lord Jesus, please have mercy on us. Sometimes we see suffering and pain, and we are tempted to try and put it right in our own strength, to fix things. Yet by doing this, we can enable bad behaviours, and nothing is learnt. Holy Spirit, help us know when to speak and when to be silent, when to get involved, and when to let things go. Help us not to be weighed down by things that are not ours. Help us truly guard our hearts, and grant us a healthy balance in life, in Jesus’ name, Amen.