Downsizing- the need to ask for help?

At the moment I am getting ready to move, and I need to downsize. I have discovered that I seem to have previously unrecognised hoarding tendencies, and also a plethora of items from other family members. My worst vice is buying books, often second hand, with an eye for a bargain, and a promise to myself that I will read it later. This great love of literature has not worked well for me in practice, for I have so many bookcases of wonderful but unread books. The challenge is now to release them back into the universe. It is so tempting to put these books into the box for the charity shop, and two minutes later sneak them back on the shelf. No wonder downsizing is slow work.

I think I need to become more ruthless in this regard. When I find a box of old photos, it is easy to become completely distracted and look at each one. I obviously haven’t sorted them before judging by the ones with thumbs over the lens, blurry ones, and ones I have no idea of where the grey landscape actually is.

The thing that really strikes me is that I have far too much stuff. The objects I want to keep are practical, or have sentimental significance, or are beautiful, but many things I have just casually accumulated, and need to be released. Some you hope will bless others, but some just need to go in the bin!

I am finding it exhausting- emotionally and physically and spiritually. There are times when I have even needed to ask for help. Trying to sort everything has been so overwhelming, people to help sort, wrap or take things away are invaluable. I am indebted to declutterers and friends who have supported me in this process. At times I prefer to be independent, and I have to learn again and again it is ok to ask for some one to help me work things out. A lesson for the whole of life, that in any healthy community, there are seasons for us to both give and receive, and that is ok.

A verse that is speaking to me a lot just now is that “God is not a God of disorder but of peace.” 1 Corinthians 14:33. From the beginning of creation, God loves to bring form and beauty out of nothing. Out of the darkness, the holy spirit brings life and harmony and peace. In a way, clearing the clutter and letting things go, seems to mirror the creativity of God, and in the space there is opportunity for new beginnings and priorities, even a new way of living.

Our enviroment can make a big difference as to how we feel. If we have stuff everywhere, it can weigh us down and feel oppressive. Clearing, sorting, reorganising, letting go, can be liberating for our soul. With that vision to inspire, meanwhile I need to go through another box………..

Creator God, You have made the heavens and the earth, and they are a beautiful interweaving of light and shade, with geometric patterns of colour and form. We are in awe of You. Lord Jesus, forgive us for our greed, that we have too much stuff, that we covet things we do not need, and are weighed down by an excess of unnecessary objects. Grant us courage to let things go, even though it is painful. When things seem overwhelming, may we have the courage to ask for help. Enable us to be content with less, and more generous in our sharing with others. Holy Spirit help us let go of what we no longer need, and to create space where something new can be birthed. In Jesus’ name, Amen

Acknowledging negative bias!

When we look back at memories, we often remember what went wrong, rather than anything that went well. We might have had a good journey, but the thing that most comes to mind was that we almost ran out of petrol. We might have had a lovely coffee with a friend, but the bit we dwell on was that there was a draught from the door. We often fixate on the bit that was less than perfect or even almost went wrong!

Scientists speak of how our brains naturally have a negative bias. It is something primal, so we don’t overlook something that is a potential threat or danger. We tend to see the world through a distorted lens.

This makes the understanding and narration of events so difficult, as they are always interpreted through our own perception. If we are aware that we can at times over emphasise the negative, then the repair is to be thankful. The psalms are full of calls to be thankful. ‘ Give thanks to the Lord for He is good’ psalm 107;1 .Part of the prayer The Examen, is to spend time at the end of each day noticing the good ways God has been at work in our lives, and this is indeed a healing thing to do.

To add another twist in this however, is that sometimes we are so busy trying to be thankful, that we characterise something difficult or damaging through rose coloured glasses. We make excuses for things, we try to see the best in people, where actually the darkness is deeper than we thought. Having this realisation I think is one of the saddest place to be.

The Bible talks of us all being sinners, and that we all are called to be honest about our failings and shortcomings. This is liberating, as because of the cross, God offers us forgives for our wrongdoing. But when we realise how rebellious we are as a human race, what our capability to destroy is, it is salutary, as we all contribute to what is wrong in the world.

Jesus calls us to live in balance- yes to be aware of the darkness, but also to choose to live in the light. As we get older I think this is more difficult, as there are so many shadows. We ask the holy spirit to help us. If we have a tendency to negativity, then we pray to notice what is good and hopeful. If we think the world is always a lovely place, may we ask for insight as to the heartbreaks around us, so we may play our part to bring consolation and healing to those in pain. May God give to us all the grace that we need for whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, so we can console as well as being consoled.

Eternal Father, You have created this to be a beautiful and inspirational world, with a myriad of colour and form and texture. There are seasons in our lives when we are off balance, especially when we are noticing only the negative and the cruel. Lord Jesus call us out of the darkness, remind us of all that is noble, true, beautiful and good, pure and lovely. May our attention dwell on these, so that our soul is healed. May your Holy Spirit touch our lives and rekindle our love though an outpouring of your joyful abundance of love, that we be reminded of our true identity in You, and learn to dance in freedom once more. For your precious Son’s sake, Amen

Anniversaries- empty rooms and heart!

Bereavement is not just about emotions, although that is core. You go through a relentless rollercoaster, coping with shock, sadness, anger, thanksgiving, questioning, remembering, reflecting, and then doing them all again. But there are also practical things to do, such as clearing a house, which is such an enormous task.

Today is a first anniversary, and it feels so heavy. A mixture of memories and practical things to do. And I have been working on finishing clearing the house, which has been a privilege. I have found childhood toys I had long forgotten about- triggering so many memories. And there have been old photos, letters, things of sentimental value buried at the back of drawers. You feel a bit like a detective!

Seeing rooms gradually emptying is a painful necessity. You forget how physically demanding it is, and resting, regrouping and asking a friend to help can be key. You know the work needs to be done, but emptying the room is like losing the person all over again. I always take lots of photos before I start, so I remember. Letting go of personal effects, of clothes, of furniture is excruciating, as there are so many memories attached to each one. I have taken some items back to my house, but I try not to take too many- there are too many boxes in the hall already!

I guess in life, we need to let go, to make space not just for the future but to live in the present. Clothes and furniture can bless others, houses need to be lived in by new families making new memories, and that is a comfort. Life goes on.

In Ecclesiastes chapter 3 it says that – ‘There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the sun’. Later in Ecclesiastes 3 it also says that God has made everything beautiful in its time. The secret I think is to trust him, to lament in our sorrow, and then in time to embrace what is new. May God give us grace to honour past memories and relationships, and as we cherish them, also to find courage to find our new path.

Eternal God, it is hard to say goodbye, as we let go of possessions and places of which we have special memories. They embody people we have loved, and their loss accentuates the pain. Yet Lord Jesus, we cannot keep the world the same. You call us to come and follow, at times to shake the dust from our feet, and prepare for new adventures. May we treasure every moment, for life is fleeting. Holy Spirit, remind us that every day is a privilege, every moment can be beautiful, an opportunity to live, love and to bless. May we find courage to go forward even when our hearts are still heavy, in Jesus name Amen.

Carried by prayer!

Recent weeks have been tough. I have had to change direction in my life, and although I know it was the right thing to do, I am grieving over the people I miss, and the calling I love. It is a desert time.

Yet in the midst of my sadness and loss, I have been so encouraged by the people who have been thoughtful and prayerful. I am so grateful for people’s understanding and compassion. I am so tempted to judge myself, that I appreciate when others don’t make my burden heavier by their critical spirit. Every prayerful, gracious response has strengthened me.

It reminds us as a community to be kind to each other. When some one is struggling, then taking time to pray can just make such a difference. Even in my sorrow and questioning, I feel carried by prayer. Sometimes the right person has turned up at a crucial time, or a message of support has lifted me up. And I believe that it is through prayer that these miraculous things have happened, and I am deeply grateful.

Jesus talked about prayer in Luke chapter 18 when he spoke of the persistent widow and said to his disciples that they should pray and not give up. The 19th century poet Tennyson said ‘ more things are wrought by prayer, than this world dreams of’. This is such a powerful quotation, and inspires us that when we pray, God can change things for good.

We are not to make a spectacle about prayer, it is often a quiet occupation, just in our room in the beginning or evening of the day. Although we don’t always see the fruit of our prayer, when we get to heaven, we will have a better understanding. And when we see the majesty and goodness and love of God, we will be humbled indeed. Meantime, even though I feel spiritually battered and sore, I am so grateful to be carried by prayer, surrounded by love and so wonderfully blessed.

Gracious God, You have loved us since before the beginning of time. We are made in Your image, bought at a price through Jesus’ death on the cross, forgiven and set free. Yet sometimes we find ourselves in situations where we are enmeshed in things which pull us down and make us self doubt. Lord Jesus Christ, for all who are struggling, bring your healing grace, and minister to us by the power of your Holy Spirit. May the prayers and encouragement of loving people, bring restoration of identity and the truth that sets us free. Help us to persevere in prayer, through which God does amazing and beautiful things, Amen.

Wimbledon memories!

Today I watched the men’s final between Carlos Alcaraz and Novak Djokovic. It was a good match, with some spectacular tennis.

One of the reasons that I wanted to watch this particular game, was because it reminded me of the same Wimbledon final last year, between the same two finalists. Last year it was a much more even match, and a brilliant battle between the mature Djokovic and the young Alcaraz.

One of the reasons that the 2023 match was so memorable, was because I watched it with my mum. She wasn’t so well, but was home, and we watched the match together. It was a lovely shared experience, drinking lots of coffee and commentating on all the twists and turns of the match. As it turned out, it was one of the last more ‘ normal’ things that we did together, and I will always treasure that as a result.

Cherishing each moment of life is such an important thing to do. It is easy to get lost in past memories, so much so that you forget to live in the present. We need to take the opportunities in front of us, as they are unlikely to come again. We value the conversation with that person, the walk in the park, seeing that show. Every moment is precious.

Jesus said ‘ I have come that you may have life in abundance’. John 10: 10b. We are not to let our appreciation of life to be diminished or snatched away, but to give thanks for all we have. I watched the tennis final today, honouring my mum’s memory, and making the time to do this, somehow seemed to help keep to connect more with her. It also reminded me to keep making choices in the present that bring joy, even if they are poignant. We are to have courage to choose things that honour God and bring life, every day we have.

Eternal God, this life on earth is so transitory compared with our life with You. Help us to live it well, and to seek your will. May our lives not be small, but expansive and generous. Lord Jesus, help us to be thankful for your love, for our families and friends, and to cherish our memories. Holy Spirit give us courage also to make new memories, and to love those around us, with the same abundant love that You have for us. Amen.

A theology of photos?

I have been looking through photographs recently. I take a very large number of photos. I guess I am afraid that I will forget something significant, so I keep clicking! I learned from a photographer, that it is often by taking large numbers of photos, you get one that really resonates. My only problem is when I forget to delete the rest!

I am not particularly good at taking photos, and I just use my phone. However, I love remembering a lovely evening with family or friends, or an inspiring landscape, just after a storm, or the first rays of light over the horizon in the morning.

I am making up some photo books, and I love selecting photos connecting me with memories of people, travel and moments of transcendence. It might be photos of a children’s party, a church celebration, a butterfly that alights beside my chair. These photos elicit a deep feeling of thanksgiving and the richness of life.

John O Donoghue wrote; ‘ the wonder of beauty is it’s ability to surprise us. With swift sheer grace, it is like a divine breath that blows the heart open’. Quiet miracles can be captured in photographs giving us an eternal reminder of a divine encounter or revelation, that consoles and inspires every time we look at it. That can be the wonder of photography which truly blows the heart open.

One of the challenges is what we do with the darker photos- and I don’t mean the ones where we have forgotten to use the flash! I mean the photos that reminds you of when communication broke down, or the person was sick, or the mood was sombre. What do we do with these remembrances?

After much internal debate, I have kept many of these photos, and sometimes integrated them into bigger collections, for they also represent part of life. They speak of the shadow side of life which is equally real. We might not want to dwell on them too much, but it is part of our appreciation of what is loving and inspirational, that we also acknowledge the poignant and the sorrowful. A knowledge of the darker side of our lives gives a deeper appreciation of what is uplifting or joyful.

The verse from psalm 29:2 says ‘ worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness’. Noticing the beauty and goodness of God in photographic form, whether it is in the sparrow hopping about under a hedgerow, or a sacred time with a friend, or the companionship of your dog, is a great blessing. And photographs remind you of these blessings, and can bring much joy and consolation, for which we give thanks.

Gracious God, You give us such rich experiences in life, glimpses of Your love and goodness revealed in this earthly life. We are so grateful for memories- poignant and joyful, and all the intertwined connections. Lord Jesus we give thanks for the gift of photography, which can reinforce gaps in our fallible memories, and speak to our hearts. Holy Spirit, when we are ready, enable us to take time to look through old photos, and to give thanks. We pray for healing of old wounds, and ask for a deeper appreciation for the richness of our lives. Though the gift of photography, may our reverence for You be strenggthened, and may we remember and give thanks, in Jesus’ name, Amen

Chicago- full circle of memory.

I have wanted to return to Chicago for years. When I was young, I was an exchange student at the Divinity school at the University of Chicago for a term. It was a bit of an overwhelming experience, but I learned so much about myself and the wider world. Teachers like Martin Marty were thought-provoking about the place of Christianity in society, and also pastoral to their students. The incredible variety of students, cultures and theologies challenged me and made me grow in my faith. I am forever grateful.

When I was first in Chicago, I had just had a major bereavement, and I felt a bit hollow. I think I didn’t really have the language then to describe the dull ongoing ache. I conformed during the day, but when I had time to be in touch with my emotions at night it was harder.

The verse that was my encouragement then was from psalm 139 ‘If I rise on the dawn, even if I settle on the far side of the sea, your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast’ verses 9 and 10. Even though I was on the far side of the sea, I knew God would watch over me in just the same way, holding me fast. And He was faithful, blessing me and nurturing and teaching me.

I learned from this experience and many others, that for me travelling challenges my suppositions, broadens my horizons and enlarges my understanding. Listening to different voices has made me be more understanding and compassionate. It reminds me that I am part of a global family, and puts the traditions and understandings of my culture into a bigger perspective. This is so humbling, and also refreshing. I am privileged to be able to travel, to learn and to connect and find joy! Coming back to Chicago has been grounding, as it feels as if I have come full circle. I am able to recognise more fully all I learned from this experience, and it also reminds me to encourage others to travel when the opportunity presents.

A windswept photo from all these years ago.

Through this visit, I have more insight as to how God has been working throughout my life, even when I didn’t understand it at the time, and have gained a more thankful heart. 🙏

Creator God, You are faithful to your people in every part of the globe. We thank you for the Christian family, expressing their love for You Lord Jesus in every continent and island, and for opportunities to learn from one another. Forgive us for times when your family fall out and quarrel, when there are divisions between us. May we realise more of what it means to be part of a world wide church. Even in our differences, may Your ministry of reconciliation prevail. Holy Spirit, may we be attentive listeners to You, and to one another, open to learning and to being more like Jesus, so others might know we are Christians by our love. In Your precious name, Amen.

Chicago- an aesthetic which inspires!

I have had the blessing of being in Down town Chicago over the weekend. I had been before, and thought I knew what I was coming to. When I was here before, it was many years ago in the autumn/ winter. What I found this time, however was extraordinary, an architectural inspiration that in the sunlight, brought delight round every corner.

I don’t have an architectural background. Despite this, I know the variety, abundance and scale of the buildings here are magnificent. There is every style imaginable, mainly well spaced, so you keep seeing them from different angles in every street. The newer contextual buildings are particularly individual and playful, and the engineering behind them, to make them stable in this windy city, is quite extraordinary.

Wandering the streets, and being on the river enabled me to appreciate many of these buildings. You want to know the time period, the architect and their vision, their purpose- to catch a glimpse of their achievement.

Doestoevsky once wrote ‘beauty will save the world’. I don’t know what he meant by that. As a Christian, I know that Jesus saved the world. Maybe part of what he was referring to, is that God gives us all a gift of creativity, to bless and inspire, and beauty can draw us out of ourselves, to just be in the moment and marvel. Beauty comes in different forms- in a song, a poem, a painting, in architecture. And when we are stopped in our tracks, and just look at something exquisite, just for that moment, some of our worries fade, and we feel as if we are experiencing a moment of transcendence, when we feel the presence of God. It is such a gift.

You might think this us a bit of an exaggeration! However I am trying to articulate why visiting here has been so moving. Chicago, like every city has many flaws and troubles. But on a gorgeous day, surrounded by such visual grandeur and variety, I found consolation which brought me peace.

‘God has made everything beautiful in its time’ Ecclesiastes 3; 11- it is wonderful to recognise beauty even in the most unexpected places, and to treasure it.

Creator God- You fashioned this world and all the stars in space, and called it good. As human beings, You give to us the gift of being creative- in song, word, art and theatre. Thankyou for all that reminds us of the richness and variety of our world, in texture and form and style. Lord Jesus, forgive us when we choose to destroy instead of create, to negate rather than to nurture. May we notice what is good and true and full of artistry, and give thanks. Holy Spirit, awaken us from our slumber to notice what is true and noble in our world, and to appreciate it and rejoice, Amen.

Spiritual spaghetti junctions!

When driving, sometimes you find yourself at a large intersection, which it can be hard to navigate. You have to be in the right lane at the right time, to get to the next set of options, just to find your route through. You have to be alert and orientated to find the right path to take you to your destination.

In life, we find ourselves facing many choices. Some seem small, like what to eat, what to wear, what kind of washing machine to buy. However every choice we make, says something about us, and affects how we live, and how we feel about ourselves.

Then we come to our soul choices, what to be listen to, what should we be doing, what is our purpose? What are our priorities in life? We seldom take time, just to ponder and reflect. Maybe over the summer, we need to take time to do this, to take time out, and to ask God what is our purpose in this new season?

Sometimes it seems as if we are in a spiritual spaghetti junction. There is so much in this world that we are not in control of. Yet there are some choices we can make- even just our daily habits. How do we adopt healthy rhythms in life- food, exercise and rest? And what about spiritual practices- time to reflect on our formation- who are we becoming- are we more like Jesus or less, do we regularly connect with Him in prayer, bible reading and praise, and is the way we do this good for our souls? We pray that God will help us find the best choices for us at any stage of our lives.

Maybe just now we are struggling with a destructive habit or negative attitude. Especially when we are tired, we can revert to old ways of thinking which bring the temptation of cynicism or resentment. They can lead us to spiral to a dark place.

In the midst of our struggles, God sees us. In psalm 40 it says that when we are at the bottom of the pit, He lifts us up, and gives us a firm place to stand, to a Rock which gives us stability and refuge. He guides our path, even in the midst of the myriad of choices possible, leading us to safety.

May we always remember to say ‘ Come Holy Spirit’ for the Spirit is our guide in the most complex and confusing of places. Even when we are perplexed and bewildered, the Holy Spirit speaks to us- through the bible, through the words of a song, though a friend. And then the road ahead becomes clearer, our purpose comes more sharply into focus, and we are able to go forward.

Father God, this world is such a busy place with so many possible routes- some which takes us from You, and others that lead us to You. Lord Jesus- reveal to us more of Your will for our lives. In the midst of our choices, both big and small, Holy Spirit protect us from what is wrong, and strengthen us to follow Your ways. Help us take time to discern what is nurturing, constructive and pleasing to You, so we can grow in our faith, and be Your ambassadors in this world. Help us not to be overwhelmed, and to know Your leading. Give us courage to follow we pray, in Jesus’ name, Amen

Monsters under the bed!

When we are small, our imaginations can run riot, and as a child in the night, even the slightest of noises can sound alarming. At times we think there could be monsters under the bed, and we get scared. A tiny creak can make us suspect that something horrible is going on.

As a child, I remember watching episodes of Dr Who from behind the settee. It was not so much the daleks I feared, but the sea devils and the spiders from Metebilis 3. It was terrifying that they might escape from the television.

As an adult, I now know these things are unlikely to happen, but fear is still something we all have to wrestle with. As we get older, the nature of our fears might change, fears about family members, about health, about the future. That sensation of feeling sick, and that gnawing ache are all too familiar.

Whatever worry or fear we are wrestling with, the Christian faith can make all the difference. Sometimes it is hard to believe in a good and compassionate God, when there is so much heartache and suffering in the world. Yet maybe that is precisely the time to believe. There must be something better somewhere than the pain and misery of humans at war.

In Isaiah 41 verse 10 it says ‘ Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.’

God calls us to trust, even in the darkest night, and to know that when He is with us, there is nothing to fear. In Christ, we are kept safe in this world and the next, and so all is well. Even when we are most anxious, or feeling overwhelmed, God holds us by the hand, and leads us forward. And that is enough.

Gracious God, You saw the suffering of your Son Jesus Christ as He experienced the injustice and violence of the world, so You understand our fear and worry. Thankyou, that even in the most dire of situations, You come alongside us, and You transform our terror by Your Words of encouragement, and Your reassuring presence. Your Holy spirit brings us that Word in season, that restores our perspective and helps us find the peace we long for. Thankyou for Your abundant blessings, and Your promise never to leave us, and the comfort this brings at each stage of our lives, Amen.