New year- a letting go of what is heavy!

The beginning of a new year is a threshold time, a time to reflect and dream. To have space to dream, I know I firstly need to clear some space. Some of that space is in my soul, but part of it also is also in my house!

I like to keep things, because they often have memories associated with them, or some kind of symbolic meaning. When I see the item, it reminds me of that person or that day. However I have obviously led a very full life, as now I am besieged with stuff in every direction. I do de-clutter regularly, but different seasons of life can bring new challenges.

When i spend time in an overcluttered room, it feels heavy, and actually the joy of the room can become lost, and this can feel oppressive. There was a time in my life that i didn’t really notice this, but space and light have become more important to me as i get older.

So in January this year, i am working on letting things go- a particular challenge is paperwork. Some one suggested thst we use 20% of our ‘stuff’ 80% of the time, and that feels true. Why i have kept things i will never know- in case somebody would ask an obscure question in 20 years time? I suspect this is unlikely. Much will needed shredded, another challenge. I need to be disciplined and focussed.

Much of this seems to have a spiritual dimension too. Physical space, gives space for emotional growth and development. One of my favourite bible verses is ‘ where the spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom’ 2 Corinthians 3:17. My prayer is that my decluttering, and consolidation of what I have, will give me space to tackle new projects, and to find new directions. I do not underestimate the pain of letting some things go, but the freedom of space is my motivator.

Eternal God, You are a generous provider of all we need, but sometimes we seem greedy in what we hold on to. Lord Jesus, help us cherish things that are precious, but have the discernment to let go of the unnecessary. Help us to also share more freely with others on our planet. Holy spirit bring your wind of change and refreshing, so we can see with new clarity, to let go of what is heavy, and to live in a new lightness and freedom. Then we can follow You more closely, love You more dearly, and be more faithful stewards of the things of the earth, Amen.

It’s a wonderful life- possibilities of hope!

For many people at Christmas, it is traditional to watch the film ‘It’s a wonderful life!’ Without giving too much away, George Bailey has spent his life helping others, but it has been costly, losing his hearing, and his dreams to go to college and to travel. He gets to a point in the film, when he has a crisis about his self worth.

We can maybe all identify with this at times. We look back at our life, and wonder if we could have done things differently, what it was all for. Maybe we doubt ourselves, and are tempted to despair and to question. It can be very painful.

An angel is sent to help George at a critical moment, and at times of self pity or loss, we could all do with an angel. We need to be reminded that every human being is precious, and that God has a plan for us all. Sometimes because of sorrow or disappointment we lose sight that there could be a bigger picture.

2023 has been a very challenging year for me, professionally and personally. Sometimes it has seemed very dark. Yet films like this one, remind us that even in difficult circumstances, there are possibilities of redemption and hope. We all need to be reminded of this, that things can change for the better. We are called to trust God and to hope.

The things that have helped me the most, are my Christian faith, and my amazing friends. At times God has lifted me up. In psalm 91 verse 12, it says “They (angels) will lift you up with their hands, so you will not strike your foot against a stone’. I have experienced many times when God has carried me, and He sustained and nurtured me. The prayers and encouragement of thoughtful friends have been stunning- you know who you are. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have shown me the value of true community.

If anyone is having a time of desolation or darkness, please know that it won’t last forever. I pray you find a friend or family member who will listen, an unexpected encouragement or answer to prayer. May we know there are always possibilities of hope and redemption, and that every life can make a difference.

Eternal Father, You are a God who was willing to send your Son to this violent and conflicted earth to be the Saviour of the world. Lord Jesus, You come as Prince of Peace, with a message of redemption and hope. When we sit in deepest darkness, be our light. Remind us that You can transform the bleakest situation, through your angels, and your holy spirit at work. Give us hope in our hearts, the encouragement we crave, and give us strength to persevere, to do what we can to make this world a better place. Rekindle within us a sense of the good that is possible. May your kingdom come, Amen.

Melon makes me cry!

Recent weeks have been tricky. I love the season of Advent- the anticipation, the candles, the wonder, as we prepare to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ with the world. It is such a beautiful time of the year, filled with hope and possibility.

However it is also so very poignant. It is difficult not to look back and remember past Christmases, and remember those no longer with you. I am at an age where my Christmas card list has shrunk, because a number of my friends are no longer here. And the number of empty places at the table has meant that a table is barely required.

Melon makes me cry, because my mum loved melon. After her surgeries 8 years ago, she was often thirsty, and when she had melon, her whole face lit up, and she enjoyed it so much. I so enjoyed buying her melon.

Now I see melon in the supermarket, and I am all ready to put it in my basket, and then stop. My mum passed away in September, and she doesn’t need melon anymore. My emotional muscle memory wants to keep buying it though, and is just a strand of the sharp pain of loss. For the newly bereaved, so many things make us cry.

Advent is still a wonderful time, and we are reminded that Jesus is our Emmanuel, the God who is with us. He understands our grief, and we do not need to pretend with him. The light of the candle flame is more meaningful when you have sat in deep darkness.

Intellectually, I understand that this will eventually become a time of forming new traditions and possibilities. But right now, I just need space to sit in the darkness. I have found with emotional pain, my body often reflects that, and so three weeks ago my shoulder started to hurt. After seeing my wonderful osteopath and a physio it is getting better, but the pain of my shoulder seemed to somehow embody the pain of my heart. I so admire people who manage to live well with chronic pain, because for me even just some physical pain for a short time, I have found exhausting and debilitating.

In psalm 147:3 it says: God heals the broken hearted, and binds up their wounds’. For people whose hearts are sore at Christmas, we are reminded that we have a Saviour who cares, who came to offer salvation to all, forgiveness, love and a new beginning. It doesn’t happen overnight, for healing is gradual, messy and chaotic, but even the possibility of healing, the idea that the pain might ease, and peace come, brings hope.

Gracious and Eternal God, under the shadow of your wings, comes shelter and healing. For all who are sore, whose dreams are shattered, may they find healing nestling in your arms of love. Lord Jesus, Babe of Bethlehem, you weep over the pain and heartbreak of many, whose lives are upside down, who despair and cry out to You. Emmanuel come to us, to all who cry out to You, and may Your presence enable tears of pain to be transformed to tears of relief and thanksgiving. Holy spirit, thankyou that we are never alone, that You hold us in these in between shadow times, until we find courage to re-emerge into the world once more. Meantime, may the prayers and encouragement of family and friends bring blessing and even peace, Amen.

An undergirding of grace and prayer….

Thanksgiving!

Just celebrated Thanksgiving in America with my beautiful friends. It is a day of coming together, sharing food, and being grateful. It is not pretending that everything is ok in the world, because it so isn’t! But it is a day dedicated to noticing and appreciating what we have.

The last 10 months have been a time of profound sadness at the illness and death of my mum. I am so thankful for her life, and her love and her character! Spending time with my mum was always a joy. Losing your second parent is difficult in so many ways, as you suddenly realise that you are the adult, and you see the world in a different light. Grieving her loss, and coming to terms with a new reality is painful.

Yet I also notice the presence of God in all that has taken place, and have experienced an undergirding of grace. His grace has been revealed in moments of insight, a listening ear, acts of incredible kindness, times of being carried, even in the darkest and bewildering of days.

When we are suffering, it can be hard to focus in prayer, and I think it is then that the prayers of others sustain us. Prayers said on our behalf, can lift us up when we are despairing, guide us when we are unsure, and bring just the right person into our lives when we need it. The power of prayer can never be underestimated. It is the most pure expression of love.

And so I can say with the psalmist ‘ Give thanks to the Lord for He is good. His love endures forever.’ In psalm 136 verse 1. We are to give thanks in all circumstances, even just for a whisper of love in a moment of anguish, a flickering flame of illunination even on a dull day. We notice His hand at work, and we rejoice that our names are written on the palm of His hand.

Gracious God, You say to us that you do not snuff out a smouldering wick, or break a bruised reed. When we feel vulnerable and broken, You treat us tenderly, and your gracious love restores our humanity. Lord Jesus, even on the bleakest days, may we be aware of Your invisible hand of love. Thank you for the power of prayer to sustain and to encourage and to bless. Holy spirit, may we recommit ourselves to pray for others, for healing and strength and wellbeing. And in all things, may we be attentive to your grace and loving provision, and be deeply thankful, Amen.

The power of film….

I have been so fortunate as to be able to travel, which I love. It gives me the space to process and to develop new perspectives.

I spent some time in Philadelphia this week, which was a really thought-provoking and inspiring place to be. One of the places I visited was the ‘Rocky’ steps outside the Philadelphia museum of arts. I went there a bit on ‘automatic pilot’ but when I got there, was amazed at how emotional an experience it was.

In the film, an unknown local boxer is chosen at the last minute to fight the reigning heavy weight champion Apollo Creed, when his scheduled opponent becomes injured. Rocky- the Italian stallion- is expected to loose badly, but he decides to do what he can, and trains mercilessly. One of the scenes in the movie is when he runs up these stairs outside the museum after a time of intense training, raises his hands in the air, and is elated as he feels he is so much fitter and stronger than he was, and that he is ready for the fight.

What was amazing as I was going up the steps, was the number of people of every age and nationality coming up the steps, at different speeds, and doing a power pose and victory dance at the top. It was an amazing feel good place!

There is something about the film, which really speaks to people, with a powerful message of the importance of the underdog, the power of self belief, the motivation to keep going when the odds are against you. It is a timeless message- with pretty memorable music too!

I wish that Christians are as excited about their faith, as the tourists running up these steps were about Rocky! Throughout the bible, it speaks of the little person taking on the giant, of the weak taking on the strong, of the power of perseverance. The bible even uses the image of fighting for what is right, and not becoming weary. One of the most relevant verses is from Hebrews chapter 12 ‘ let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith’. This verse calls us to keep our spiritual running shoes on, and to persevere, focused on Jesus’ love and teaching. We are surrounded indeed, by a great cloud of witnesses, and their encouragement inspires us to keep going.

Gracious God, sometimes it is hard to keep going on our path, for our muscles ache, our hearts are sore, and we wonder how to keep going. Yet You see us when no one else does, and You lift up our heads, and give us strength. Lord Jesus, may we not be distracted to the left or to the right, but to see Your face, the author and perfector of our faith, so we can persevere, even against all odds. Holy spirit, give us the strength, energy and motivation, so we can finish the race well, and stand with gratitude and thanksgiving in Your wonderful presence, Amen

Remembrance- dark memories and a cascade of love

Remembrance weekend is so emotional. We remember veterans, those who gave their lives, those who were injured in body, mind and soul, and their loved ones. We remember conflicts and wars since the 1914-18 war, and we give thanks for the freedom that we now have, bought at such a high price.

We want to honour our veteran community, and when we listen to their stories, there are some that are so dark and so distressing. For some veterans, they kept many aspects of their military service quiet, because it was too painful to recount. These memories still haunt many today.

I have a deep desire to explore what brings healing to traumatised people. I am just learning, as there are so many components, a safe place to tell your story, integrated therapeutic approaches to healing, prayer, a supportive community. I dream of a day when every person who is sore and broken, finds that safe place for soul and body repair. Waiting lists for counselling are often so long, and it can be hard to find a listening space. We pray for the right space, the right person at just the right moment, for each individual in need.

In his earthly life, Jesus listened to His heavenly Father in prayer when he withdrew to solitary places ( Mark 1:35), and this gave him strength to listen to those he met on the road, a woman who was tired and poorly, a man whose child was sick, a shamed woman at a well. He listened, showed compassion and brought healing.

For us as a society, we too often speak in voices that are shrill and strident, each voice trying to dominate the other, rather than listening with humble and open hearts. In a broken and conflicted world, where the cost of the battle is so clearly seen, may we promote healing by compassionate and attentive listening, and working for justice, wherever possible.

Creator God, You created a world where there was meant to be harmony and mutual care, symbolised in the garden of Eden. Yet our human rebellion, our failure to get on, sabotages our relationships again and again, and brings destruction and violence and war. Lord Jesus, have mercy on us, forgive us. Today we give thanks for all who have fought to make the world a better place, and who have suffered harm and loss. Lord Jesus, may Your love and light bind up the wounds of the broken, and help the troubled find peace. Holy spirit, help us chose not to destroy but to build, not to tear down, but to nurture and encourage. On this day, when the darkest of memories of war are particularly poignant, may the cascade of your love bring hope for a better tomorrow. In Jesus’ name, Amen

Leaves falling- sadness and peace!

Amazing colours but sorrowful silhouettes

After the torrential rain, there have been some gorgeous bright autumn days. 🍂 The blue skies have contrasted with the vibrant colours and textures of the leaves, creating a visual feast.

In Ecclesiastes it says that there is a time for every season under the sun, and each one helps us appreciate the others. I have always loved autumn, as John Keats said in his ode ‘a season of mist and mellow fruitfulness.’ It is a time of slowing down, of noticing, of appreciating things past.

It is the eve of my book promotion ‘Love songs for healing and hope!’ At SGT Church of Scotland, Buchanan Street tomorrow. As I prepare, I re-engage with past memories, which still stir within me sorrow and pain. Memories of my late husband’s struggles with being an injured veteran continue to resonate deeply. I think if only things had been different….

Yet I know this is the wrong road. I need to accept all that took place, but learn from it, and pray it helps me be a wiser more compassionate person, better equipped to listen and to support others. ‘ Love songs for healing and hope’ is a devotional resource book to share these insights, in the hope it might help another human soul acknowledge how tough it can be to support some one with a disability in life, and how difficult it is to come to terms with guilt and grief in death. It aims to offer healing and hope to all who are weary in their struggles and pain.

It is now over 5 years since Colin died, and subsequent bereavements keep causing the wound to be re-opened. An additional dimension is added by the tragedy and heartbreak in our world just now that exacerbates our feelings of horror at all that is wrong with the world.

And yet, as the trees let go their leaves, there is beauty. As the tears fall, sorrow is expressed and occasionally assuaged. As we learn to accept what has taken place, we realise we have no control over many things, and find a deeper peace.

Life is so very rich, and so we ask God not to abandon us in our sorrow, but to help us see and explore possibilities of formation and new life in the time to come. It might not seem real right now, but one day, maybe we will look back and see things differently.

Eternal Father, our Creator and Source of all life, we marvel at the universe, the movement of the stars, the changing night sky, and we are humbled. Lord Jesus, at times you call us to let go of past expectations and dreams, and that hurts so much, but then we are also called forward, to trust that You are doing a new thing. Holy spirit, may we surrender to Your will, and receive your peace, so we can then in turn bless and encourage others, in Jesus name, Amen

Living with loss, yet experiencing hope…

Dear friends, this always seems an exquisitely beautiful but melancholy time of year. The leaves of the trees are a myriad of soft yellow, orange and brown, but are flying in the breeze and landing on the ground, leaving branches bare and lonely. Sunlight makes it a luminous time, but there is also a sense of transition and loss.

After much prayer and pondering, I am inviting you to a book promotion evening on 7th November at 7 for 7.30pm at St George’s Tron Church, 163 Buchanan Street, G1 2JX. I am a little anxious about this, but trusting that this is the right choice, so please bear with me as I explain why.

I started writing about 5 years ago, after the death of my husband Colin, who was a veteran. His story was untold, and I felt compelled to honour his memory by writing ‘ Love song for a wounded warrior’ so his writing about his service in Northern Ireland could be published, alongside our struggles as a family, to try to support him. I was so grateful to Jock Stein and Handsel press for publishing this.

I started to blog about my attempts to process my grief and trauma, complicated by other family losses and then the pandemic. The isolation, sadness and questioning were very real, and I wanted to form an online community where people knew that they were not alone in their sorrow.

This lead to a second book ‘ Love songs for healing and hope’ published last year. It is a compilation of blogs, personal stories of others facing personal challenges and sadnesses, and of resources offered to help others who are struggling.

The idea behind this is just to support others who have experienced complex loss and trauma, and to say to people that they are not alone, and that they are loved. As a Christian, these are devotional resources, but are offered to all, to encourage healing of wounds, and hope that things can get better one day.

For various reasons, I have not given this book much publicity, and feel called by God to do so. Especially in this period leading up to Christmas when memories are so raw, and grief so strong, this seems a significant time to offer this resource.

If you would like to buy a copy, please email woundedwarriorfg@gmail.com The book is £15 plus £2.30 postage. All proceeds go to two charities- Quiet Waters Counselling service, based in Camelon, and Richmond’s Hope, that provides support for children and young people who have been bereaved. Or come along to our promotional evening, where there will be a presentation about the book, and an opportunity for questions.

Thankyou for reading this. It is such a tiny contribution to such an important area, it seems like just a pebble thrown in the ocean. But my prayer is that the ripples might bring healing and hope to others, and that somehow this might make a difference.

Gracious God, in autumn, we let go of so many things, of our old ways of thinking, of our faded hopes and dreams, of expectations and assumptions. They end up like the soggy leaves at the bottom of the forest floor. It is painful and messy. Yet Lord Jesus, after a long time of gruelling winter, you bring new buds, possibilities of growth and hope. Whatever stage we find ourselves in life this day, even if it is a weepy out of sorts day, may we find strength to keep hoping, to find connection with others, and with God, safe places of lament and listening and solace, of deep healing and peace. May God provide all that we need, and the sweet encouragement of his holy spirit, until the light of hope burns strongly once more. Amen.

Lindisfarne sunrise!

I have been so very privileged to spend a weekend on Lindisfarne. I prayed about where I was to be, and a wonderful and encouraging lady called Kay and the URC church was to be an answer to my prayer! A long story, and a miracle allowed me to be here. God provided for me so perfectly, I am astounded.

I was so very tired coming here, weighed down by the cares of the world. But here in this holy island, with a history of hundreds of years of prayer, the gift of peace was given. Reading about the Lindisfarne gospels, imagining the life of the Christian community here, being at St Cuthbert’s Island have been inspiring.

And then the weather- windy, cold but clear and sunny has suited me. Long walks watching the changes of the tide, and the roar of the sea have been breathtaking.

The waves have been so mighty, they have looked like white hedgehogs moving across the ocean, stirring up ever changing foam tapestries in every direction. Phenomenal!

So many verses are coming back to me, but especially from psalm 67:

‘ May God be gracious to us and bless us, and make His face shine upon us.’

When we see the sun rise over the horizon, it is a sign of hope. Whatever the darkness of the previous day has been, today we have a new beginning. God wants us to learn from the past, to find healing, and to then to bless us. The sunrise brings rays of light, and is a tangible sign of a new way forward.

Gracious God, thank You for the way that You provide for your people, in such perfect forms, and for the ways that your holy spirit is at work. Even when we have been lost in darkness, Your light still shines upon us.

We also thank you for your mercies, which are new every morning, for your holy spirit who breathes new life into us though prayer, reflection and the beauty of your creation. Thank you for places of pilgrimage, where we can retreat, and find shelter, rest and restoration. Bring refreshment to all who are weary, and may your beautiful light bring inspiration and blessing, hope and courage for each new day, Amen.

Post funeral blues!

In the weeks after a funeral, it all feels a bit surreal. You have done the paperwork, and made the arrangements. You have said goodbye, and given thanks for the person’s life. You have shared stories and memories.

But then comes the next bit, when people say you are ‘getting back to normal’. You go through some of the familiar routines- outwardly it seems the same. But there are gapping holes and jagged edges- you go to phone the person, but they are not there. You see something you know they would have been interested in, and make a mental note to share it, but there is no opportunity.

My mum passed away over a month ago, and I didn’t want her to suffer, and so her passing was the better option. I give thanks for her, as she was a wonderful mum to me, and an amazing gran to my son. But life will never be the same again.

So many people walk around with invisible wounds. Grief is so raw, but there is no outward mark. You walk around, and people look normal, but everything feels upside down. You have to relearn how to live, how to spend that now empty part of your day.

We all know that in time, new rhythms of life will emerge. Memories now tinged with sadness will be retrieved with less pain. More positive reminiscences re- emerge. A balance will come back.

God holds is in our grief and tears, as we mourn and process our losses. At times we start the day strong, but an unexpected phonecall or letter brings a fresh wave of anguish. It can feel as if we experience the loss anew.

‘ Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted’ Matthew 5:4

God so often shows us evidences of grace even we are at our lowest ebb- a prayer spoken, a message of support, fresh flowers, an unexpected kindness, a rainbow in the sky. Grief cannot be rushed, we have to take each heavy step, but there are flowers in the verges, and we are given the strength we need.

I think we also need to learn to be kind to ourselves, to forgive, to say no when we need to, and to know that just sitting staring into space, can be just fine. Being patient with ourselves, gives us space to lament, and then to heal.

Gracious God, grieving can be so exhausting. We can be sad about many things. But we are not alone. Lord Jesus, You walk with us, and when we are downcast, You lift our heads, when we are burdened, You carry what is heavy for us. Thankyou that even in surreal days of uncertainty and pain, You send your holy spirit, and You bring us solace and remind us that hope is not gone. Teach us to show unreserved kindness to all who are silently nursing painful wounds, and to extend that kindness even to ourselves. In Jesus’ name, Amen