Cherishing the sparrow

Many of you are aware that I have had a bereavement in these recent weeks. It was not unexpected, and yet it seems so painful. There always seems that element of shock and disbelief, like you have entered into a nightmare from which you hope to awaken. Images and conversations replay in your head, and keep you awake.

I have so much to be thankful for. Now my loved one does not suffer any longer, and God’s grace has been immense. I am deeply thankful for their life and all that they mean to me.

Times of bereavement bring such disquiet, old memories resurface, questions emerge, and reflection becomes essential. At these times, we all need space to process and to grieve, to gain perspective.

I am so grateful for that bible verse that tells that God sees even the smallest most ordinary bird, and that there is a home for these tiny birds in His house. He also says in Matthew 10: 30a to 31 ‘ aren’t you worth much more to God than many sparrows. So don’t worry. For your Father cares deeply about even the smallest detail of your life’ ( the Passion translation).

Even in the midst of pain and bereavement, God knows our situation, sees our tears and heals us. What happens to us matters. We might feel insignificant and unseen, but we have a God who sees us, and loves and cherishes us. What a wonderful God we have, what a compassionate Saviour, who loves us with a generous and extravagant love. Even in the darkest night, he hears our cries, and ge answers.

All seeing God, you are good and loving and kind, You are the Creator of all things, and yet You notice the humble sparrow in the hedgerow, the workings of ants, and hear the plaintive bleat of a lamb lost on the hillside. Lord Jesus, You are the Saviour of the world, yet you notice our struggles, love us even in our darkest days, offer forgiveness for our sins, and give us a new beginning every morning. Even in time if pain and lament, You are with us, and your holy spirit brings consolation and healing, Your presence provides for us a place of attentive safety, where we can unburden our souls. We bring to You our praise and deep thanksgiving for who You are, and rest content in your loving arms, Amen

Hospital lifts!

Recently I have spent a little bit of time travelling in hospital lifts. They have a character all of their own.

This one in the picture is not working- hence the no entry sign. Hospital lifts often seem to be in need of care- maybe that symbolises that whole character of the place, much love and healing needed.

Lifts literally bring people together, unless you prefer the many stairs. So you find yourself in a rectangular box with a microcosm of humanity. There are the worried people with plastic bags, taking up more washing to a loved one, the parent and child clutching a take away coffee and hand drawn picture, the person out of breath after running up the hill, the person sneaking out for a smoke, and the defeated person standing gazing into space in the corner.

There are snatches of conversation- he was worse today, so confused- the parking machine wasn’t working- I don’t know why the doctor said that. And then in the middle of it all, the excited family with pink balloons, welcoming the arrival of a newborn.

It is a place of silence and story- some too weary to speak, others telling you about the phonecall they got, and that they have been up since 5am. Some are full of hope for the success of that operation, others fearing the worst.

It has struck me that this is sacred ground. It is a place where kindness is everything, holding a lift door open, a smile, a listening ear. In the aching sadness and exuberant joy, all contained in that small rectangle, there is opportunity to love and to show support.

It reminds me that everyday, we can choose to adopt the values of God, as outlined in Colossians 2:12-13 ‘ since God chose you to be holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you.’ May we always be clothed in that gracious kindness and tenderhearted mercy, even in a hospital lift!

Gracious God, so many people are hurting and in pain, so many in hospital and at home, who are bewildered, upset or weary. We have such a privilege to show others the love of Christ, when they need that word in season, a word of understanding, support or encouragement. Holy spirit, even when we ourselves are weary, help us to choose to love, to make one person feel heard and valued. Bless all who work in health care, those who are patients, those who visit. May the balm of Gilead flow, through all, through doctors, nurses, auxiliaries and chaplains, and may there be an awareness that this is sacred ground, in Jesus name, Amen

Changing my car!

Recently I changed my car. It sounds deceptively simple. It was not. Technically it is difficult, working out how to sell the old car, how to choose another one. I think about colour, whilst another family member assures me the engine is quite important too! You are trying to find things, like the parcel shelf of the old car, which somehow was stored at the back of the garage! You try to take all the clutter out of the car, to make it look its best to sell.

But there is such an emotional side to it too. The car I was selling, I had had for over 4 years. It had been a fantastic wee car. It was beautiful to drive, bringing freedom on open roads, and singing mechanical melodies. It has taken me on holidays all over Scotland, a patient companion in traffic jams, a source of so many trips, especially with my mum. When I think of this car, I have many beautiful memories.

Saying farewell to my car, has been strangely painful. I know it is just an ‘ object but somehow it had its own character, and it felt like a familiar friend. I hope its next owner appreciates it as much as I did.

I am getting to know my new car ( which ironically is older than the first). It also drives well – so far- and has some lovely features. But at the moment, there is a little part of me that still hankers after the old.

Life seems like this- the only constant is change, and whilst change can be liberating, too much change can also be exhausting. We appreciate new opportunities, but wish the past could stay with us forever. I guess it does in our memories and in our hearts, and that is enough.

We know that Jesus is the same, yesterday, today and forever ( Hebrews 13:8), and we know God’s love is consistent and unchanging. This helps us and keeps us grounded, as we navigate the changes in this transient universe.

Eternal Father, You are beyond time, so You know the end from the beginning, and Your love is constant. As mortals, we have a short timespan, and want to appreciate every good gift. Lord Jesus, whilst we treasure the past, may we not fear change, but be grateful for new possibilities. Holy spirit help us to appreciate every moment of our lives, and to use them for good. In Jesus name, Amen.

Constructive self talk!

Last week, I had one of those in between days. I had lots of chores to catch up on, and I had a cold, and things went wrong, and nothing was where it should be. Ever had a day like that? It wasn’t even a day for writing, just a day of everything feeling slightly off.

The problem with days like this, is that it is easy to spiral into negative talk. Why is this so difficult, why am I not stronger? Why is nothing going forward? It can be very bleak.

At times like these, we have to make a choice. Do we keep going with the ‘ I am not equipped to do this, I am not good enough’ internal dialogue, or can I turn it round into this is a low moment when I am not feeling well, it will get better. We need to decide to hope.

The bible really helps for it reminds me that we are all loved by God. and are precious to Him – in 1 John 3:1 it says ‘ see what great love God has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God.’ And this truth can set us free, when we are struggling. I might feel down, I might doubt my abilities, but I am loved by God, one of His children, and He is watching over me. This gives me strength and hope.

There is a beautiful song by the singer Laura Daigle called ‘ You say’ and in the lyrics it says: You say I am loved when I don’t feel a thing, You say I am strong when I think I am weak, and You say I am held when I am falling short, And when I don’t belong, You say I am yours.’

When we feel weak or inadequate, God reminds us that He sees us, and that we are precious in His sight. He speaks words of affirmation to our soul, and His truth brings liberation. And our self talk changes from negative to hopeful, from destructive to constructive. And things don’t change overnight, but gradually God’s truth gives us courage, and we find strength to start again each day.

Gracious God, sometimes we have dark days, when things go wrong and we are full of self doubt. It is easy to blame ourselves for what goes wrong. Thankyou Lord Jesus that you remind us that we are loved, that You know us so well You know even the number of hairs on our heads, the words we speak before they come out our mouths. Holy spirit challenge our negative self talk, and help us to see ourselves though your eyes. Heal our souls, rebuild our self esteem, and enable us to live in positivity and freedom.

Cultivating gratitude!

At the moment, I feel deeply grateful for God’s faithfulness to me, grounded in gratitude. Maybe it is just being on holiday- that has had an impact! But having some space, has also given me time to reflect. And I have sense of God’s great faithfulness to me.

As I look back over my life, I have been blessed. Much has been challenging, painful and deeply wounding. I have often asked why God did you let that happen? The sufferings of my late husband often brought forth this question. He had such a tough time with a degenerative disability and difficult memories. He experienced so much anguish and damage, and that impacted everyone around him.

Yet in the midst of that questioning, God’s love never failed us as a family. We might have been bewildered, exhausted, walking on eggshells. But we also had moments of joy, laughter at ridiculous situations, and wonderful support from many of the people around us, family and friends.

It is realising the balance, that seems so important. The temptation is to dwell on the dark side, to let self pity and despair become uppermost. But God’s call to me is to keep looking for His hand at work, to notice His goodness and mercy. When I notice the acts of kindness each day, I choose to cultivate gratitude, and this changes everything.

At times, to be honest, it is a struggle. My experiences of care giving, trauma and grief are lasting. And this is where I have to say I have noticed the power of praying friends. People who have prayed for us consistently, and you just know the difference, when a verse stands out, when something comes together, when unexpectedly your mood lifts. So often, someone has been asking God to bless and guide me, and I am so moved. And this in turn inspires me to pray for others. There is a blanket of prayers around the world, through which God’s will is done, and His love reaches many. And His love can heal, forgive and transform all our lives.

And so today, I am deeply thankful. And when I am less sure- on the days that are frustrating and darker, I pray for the grace to cultivate gratitude, and give thanks for the prayers of others, that carry me forward.

I remember the verse from Colossians 2: 6-8 ” just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, rooted and built up in Him, continue in the faith as you were taught, overflowing with thankfulness.” Being rooted in God’s love, just helps us to find the strength and insight we need.

Merciful God, I admit to you that I struggle. I want to be thankful, but sometimes it is an effort, and I am discouraged by the pain and heartbreak in this life. Lord Jesus, on these days, may I look to You. You faced opposition, you were misunderstood and mocked, but Your love never faltered. Holy spirit, as a community teach us to hold one another in prayer, so when any of us has a bad day, we can find encouragement from each other. Break down the barriers of pride that prevent us asking for prayer. Help us to be more committed in praying for others, for you answer our prayers in amazing and life giving ways, so that more people can experience your powerful and life transforming love. And in the midst of it all, grant us a deep gratitude for each day that You grant us, Amen.

Soothed by the rhythm of the waves…..

I so enjoy travelling. I am over on a Mediterranean island just now, and today I went on a boat trip. The sun was hot, the sea calm and the views breathtaking.

I went swimming from the boat today, which is something I have not done before. And what I really noticed was how much the boat was moving. Just when you were trying to get to the ladder to get back on board, the boat rocked in the waves. It was a little tricky and not remotely elegant, as I tried to haul myself up the slippy ladder!

When the boat bobs up and down on the waves, it is so calming however. That movement seems like the rocking to sleep of a small child, a motion that feels familiar and relaxing.

I found a quotation from Richard Shuster, which explains the science ‘ as waves come in, crash and the recede again, the parasympathetic nervous system activates, which slows down the brain, and helps promote relaxation.’ That feeling of peace, is deeply present. I wonder too if there is a womb dimension, a deep memory of a place of safety and love from our first moments of existence.

In Psalm 42 verse 7 it says ‘ deep calls to deep, at the sound of your waterfalls, all your breakers and your waves have rolled over me.’ There is a sense in the sound of water, whether in a waterfall or in the movement of the sea, that God can speak to us, and give us that very experience of grace and love that we don’t even know we need.

In the midst of strident and turbulent times, we need moments just to connect with water, the sound of rhythmic waves bringing refreshment and relaxation, reminding us of the vastness of the world, and the eternal nature of God’s love flowing out to all people. In that moment, may we notice the beauty, be held secure in God’s love, and find deep peace for our souls.

Gracious God, sometimes we are on a treadmill of doing, busyness and disconnection. We feel numb, just trying to get the next thing done. Lord Jesus, help us to slow down, to breathe deeply, to know that You are on the boat with us, and that your balm of Gilead is poured over all that hurts and is discordant, and brings a healing calm. Holy spirit, when we feel far from You, grant us moments of deep union and connection with you, a rhythm which soothes and restores peace and harmony in our souls, Amen

At the airport!

I know that for many people who travel regularly, airports can seem very much the same, a bit boring and routine. There are lots of metallic chairs, booming and incomprehensible announcements, delayed flights and anxious people.

Yet another way of looking at it, is a group of people going on an adventure, and that each airport gate can open the way into a different world- to a Mediterranean island, to snowy mountains or a cosmopolitan city. Airports can be places of courage and of human connection.

The possibilities of journey are extraordinary, for we live on such a stunning world, of sea corals, of architectural wonders, of museums, and places of varied and diverse cultures and languages. There is so much to explore and to learn.

Sometimes it takes a bit of courage to travel- we don’t always know much about where we are going. But God goes before us, and in psalm 91 verse 11 it says:

‘He will command His angels concerning you, to guard you in all your ways’

God doesn’t want us to live in fear, but to try new things, to try different paths, to go on new adventures. At airports, mixed with the apprehension, is also a buzz of excitement and energy, even hope. May we all have the strength, opportunity and motivation to go to new places, whether near or far, which will engage our imagination and curiosity.

Gracious God, your people were often travellers, whether in old testament times in the desert for 40 days, or in the new testament, sharing the good news of Jesus in villages and cities around the Mediterranean. Lord Jesus, please reveal to us what our calling is, and wherever we might be called to be, may we reflect something of your light and love. Holy spirit, give us eyes to notice the beauty in every person and place, and to be inspired by it. May travel be a blessing, which educates, enlarges our perspective, and deepens our appreciation of all You have given us, Amen

A flower which has lost its petals.

Ever felt incomplete, that something has gone missing? We often go through difficult experiences, which make us feel crushed or bereft, that something has changed, and the world can never be the same again.

I took a photo of this flower, because it was growing through a crack in the concrete. I was amazed that it was there at all, as there was only a tiny gap. It must have been so strong to push through, and then to have nutrients to grow. It was imperfect, a bit bedraggled, without some of its petals, yet in the warmth of the sunshine, there it was.

In life, we can have mixed fortunes, times of blessing, and times of trial. We have questions when things go wrong, and wonder where God could possibly be? Can God really be good, and loving and powerful, when life can be cruel and disappointing? There is so much wrong in the world, conflict and war, hunger and poverty, abuse and exploitation- things that diminish and destroy.

When I look to Jesus’ words and life, death and resurrection, I see the fullness of the very nature of God. When people opposed him, and mocked him, and beat him, His light and dignity and love remained constant, and He did not change when under pressure. He stands in solidarity with those who are exploited or in pain or who feel bereft and hurting. God has given the human race freedom of choice, but how He must grieve over our pride and selfishness, our inhumanity and callous disregard for others.

And so we pray for all who feel broken or disheartened by life, who lament for things left behind, for things no longer as they were. We can feel incomplete and injured.

Yet I remember a verse from Philippians 1: 9 which is so encouraging: And this is my prayer, that your love may abound more and more, in knowledge and depth of insight”

Even when we are hurting and damaged, I pray that God’s love might be poured out into our lives, and refresh us like rain does a wilted plant, that we grow in our faith, in knowledge and with depth of insight. May we blossom, even in the most unexpected places. May obstacles become our teachers, so our roots might grow deeper in the love of God.

Creator God, the One who delights to bring about growth and new life, send refreshing and healing rain from heaven, which lifts up the bowed down, restores the broken, and enables new life for the weary. Lord Jesus, when we feel damaged and incomplete, remind us that You understand, and look upon us with tender mercy. Holy spirit, forgive our many failings, bring light into the darkest of places, cleanse our wounds and revive our souls, nurture all that is wholesome. May the light of your love, enable us to be open to learning, and to experience more of your grace, Amen

A mosaic made out of jagged pieces.

When I was in Berlin, I visited a beautiful church, where the themes of forgiveness healing and reconciliation were reflected in the fabric of the building itself. Kaiser Wilhelm Memorial church was bombed on 23rd November 1943, and lay in ruins.

In the 1950’s there was much debate as to what to do, and in the end they decided to incorporate the ruins into a new church ensemble. In the new building, the walls are made out of mosaics, broken pieces of glass formed into stunningly beautiful panels. The pieces are different shapes, often jagged in form, but come together to create something gorgeous.

This feels like a relevant and profound theme for our day. It feels that post pandemic, so much is shattered, the comfort of old ways of doing things, economic stability, familiar patterns, securites we used to take for granted. And for our lives, we often feel broken, health less strong, mourning lost loved ones, full of worries and anxieties, exhausted from constant change and challenge.

I have just come back from the General Asembly of the Church of Scotland, where they are navigating change and loss. Many ministers nearing retirement, difficult decisions re buildings, lamentation and loss, confusion as to how to make these almost impossible decisions. There is much pain and bewilderment and sadness.

I remember the words from psalm 34′ the Lord is close to the broken hearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit’. God sees all the pain and heartbreak people are going through, personally and institutionally, all the jagged edges and tear stained pillows.

Today is Pentecost, when we welcome the holy spirit, and we ask that He cleanse us, and shape us, and we are reminded that He makes all things new. On our knees, we pray that somehow out of the fragments of our lives, our mistakes and regrets, He would fashion something new and beautiful, something edifying and inspirational. Meanwhile we wait, we sit among the ashes and dust, and we trust that the holy spirit can touch and transform even our lives and situations.

Father God, there is so much heartache and sadness, and the broken fragments of our lives are pointed and sore. As they said on the Emmaus road, we had hoped…….. Lord Jesus, You know what discouragement and pain look like, yet Your love never falters. Today, may your Holy spirit come into our lives, and do a new thing. You tenderly pick up the pieces of our lives, and craft them into something of value and meaning. You remind us of the truth and freedom that only Your spirit can bring. Today, this Pentecost weekend, speak to our souls, heal us, pour out Your love, energise us to love, whatever the cost. May Your light shine though our lives, bringing a rainbow of grace and compassion for all. Bring renewal to your people, in Jesus name, Amen.

The story of a dog and a sofa!

Before I start my story, I want to tell you that I have a marvellous dog. He has been rehomed, and he is a character! In recent months, he has been experimenting with his claws on my sofa. He doesn’t mean anything by it, but the duct tape to repair it has become less effective. And then one day, it looked like this!

It was a very old sofa, over 20 years, and past its best. I decided it was not salvageable, and that I need to let it and the two chairs go………

What happened next was a surprise however, for the room seemed much bigger. With a little help, I moved the furniture about, and repositioned things, got two lighter chairs, and actually the room is so much better- less cluttered and heavy, and more spacious! It has been transformed.

My dog has taught me the gift of letting go. By taking the sofa and matching chairs to the dump, I made space for something new, which feels like a lighter and more flexible space.

I always love Ecclesiastes chapter three, that there is a time for everything under the sun, and in verse 6 it says ‘ there is a time to keep, and a time to throw away.’ As our lives go on, there is a time to hold on to stuff from the past, but also a time to let go of some things, to make space for the new. It is a difficult discernment, and is always evolving, but the symbolism seems potent. May we all recognise what needs to be put to one side, to make space for God to do a new thing.

Gracious God, there is a rhythm to life, and so many different seasons. There is eternity in each one, yet paradoxically they go by so fast. Childhood, adulthood, perhaps parenting, and then dependency once more. Lord Jesus, you are the same yesterday, today and forever, and you accompany us in every stage, and bring meaning and significance. Sometimes we want to tarry where we are comfortable, but your spirit stirs us up, and leads us forward, enabling us to let go, and making space for something new, like eagles out of a nest. Thank you, that You speak to our hearts in so many ways, and gently lead us, so we might learn to fly. Give us courage to see new possibilities, and to embrace them, Amen.