6 years- tears still fall…

It is now 6 years since my husband died. He was a veteran, who was invalided out of the military because of his head injury, which resulted in poorly controlled epilepsy. He struggled with ptsd symptoms, guilt and neurological decline. It was an arduous and painful journey.

I thought after 6 years, things would be better, and I would be more at peace. God has carried me through the darkest days, and there has been healing, and He has sustained me through a gracious and prayerful community round me.

However I think the sense of injustice around his injuries, and his suffering remain deep. Like so many veterans, his injuries and symptoms made it almost impossible to receive the support he needed, even if it had been available. Isolation, a complex woundedness, and harrowing memories all mitigated against healing.

In the midst of it all, signs of Colin remained- a tremendous loyalty, a generous spirit, a dry sense of humour, a quest for justice. Life with Colin was never boring! But his emotional pain simultaneously caused enormous frustration, rage, resentment and rigorous self questioning, that left him in turmoil.

As I look back, I am thankful for all I learned, about epilepsy, disability, ptsd symptoms and moral injury. I heard so many of Colin’s stories of active service, I felt I had lived them too, and it helped me inderstand better.

But it motivates me to ask what can be done to better support those who are struggling in their own personal hell of traumatic memories and disabilities? How can we as a society be more aware, better informed, more compassionate. The very people who need the support the most, are often the very last to come forward. For some, it is already too late…….

This is a pleas for all who are on the margins, who don’t fit the conventional definitions and or conform to institutional orthodox medical pathways. How can we see and build bridges for the hurting and maimed, the brutalised and despairing?

The bible verses that have most resonated with me recently have been from Isaiah 42:3 ‘ a bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not extinguish. In faithfulness, He will bring justice.’ Jesus Himself quoted from this prophesy in Matthew chapter 12: 20. For the battered and bruised, for those abused and badly treated, there is a recognition of woundedness and a tender love offered, which can be a step to healing, for those able to hear, a tentative possibility of hope.

I am deeply thankful for all who have so patiently and lovingly supported myself and my son in all in these years. Your listening ear, kindness and prayers have lifted us up and given us courage. But for those today, still wrestling with trauma, rage, disability, feelings of betrayal and profound sadness, may there always be people willing to go the extra mile to support and listen and love. God have mercy on us all.

Father God, You are the source of all love and goodness, You look upon this planet with a desire for our good. Yet we so often mess up, and hurt one another, and get it wrong. And there are so many casualties, people who feel alienated and isolated, traumatised and disturbed, who desperately need healing and peace. Lord Jesus Christ, forgive us when we disparage and judge others, when we walk on the other side of the road, and ignore their cries. Bring healing to our society, so we turn towards the hurting with a willingness to come alomgside one another, and to show mercy and understanding. Holy spirit be with those today who have lost hope, who are struggling, and those who walk with them. May there be a spark of light and connection, which can bring them back, or even make their journey more tolerable, just for a moment, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

It’s a wonderful life- possibilities of hope!

For many people at Christmas, it is traditional to watch the film ‘It’s a wonderful life!’ Without giving too much away, George Bailey has spent his life helping others, but it has been costly, losing his hearing, and his dreams to go to college and to travel. He gets to a point in the film, when he has a crisis about his self worth.

We can maybe all identify with this at times. We look back at our life, and wonder if we could have done things differently, what it was all for. Maybe we doubt ourselves, and are tempted to despair and to question. It can be very painful.

An angel is sent to help George at a critical moment, and at times of self pity or loss, we could all do with an angel. We need to be reminded that every human being is precious, and that God has a plan for us all. Sometimes because of sorrow or disappointment we lose sight that there could be a bigger picture.

2023 has been a very challenging year for me, professionally and personally. Sometimes it has seemed very dark. Yet films like this one, remind us that even in difficult circumstances, there are possibilities of redemption and hope. We all need to be reminded of this, that things can change for the better. We are called to trust God and to hope.

The things that have helped me the most, are my Christian faith, and my amazing friends. At times God has lifted me up. In psalm 91 verse 12, it says “They (angels) will lift you up with their hands, so you will not strike your foot against a stone’. I have experienced many times when God has carried me, and He sustained and nurtured me. The prayers and encouragement of thoughtful friends have been stunning- you know who you are. I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You have shown me the value of true community.

If anyone is having a time of desolation or darkness, please know that it won’t last forever. I pray you find a friend or family member who will listen, an unexpected encouragement or answer to prayer. May we know there are always possibilities of hope and redemption, and that every life can make a difference.

Eternal Father, You are a God who was willing to send your Son to this violent and conflicted earth to be the Saviour of the world. Lord Jesus, You come as Prince of Peace, with a message of redemption and hope. When we sit in deepest darkness, be our light. Remind us that You can transform the bleakest situation, through your angels, and your holy spirit at work. Give us hope in our hearts, the encouragement we crave, and give us strength to persevere, to do what we can to make this world a better place. Rekindle within us a sense of the good that is possible. May your kingdom come, Amen.

There is still light in the sky….

I was driving a few weeks ago, and it got suddenly very dark. I was on narrow country roads, and then there was a diversion. The rain was heavy, the roads were flooded, and even with the high speed movement of the windscreen wipers, it was difficult to see. It was a very disorientating evening, and I wondered if I would ever arrive.

The thing that helped, was that there was still a little light in the sky. It was just a narrow band but it made all the difference. It orientated me in the midst of the twists and turns, and helped me keep my bearings.

Life seems so difficult these days, so much harshness in our society, health worries and concerns about how to keep a roof over our heads. Sometimes it can seem very dark.

I love the season of Advent, and the lighting of that first candle, however fragile and flickering. It just seems like a statement that there is still light and hope and love in the world. Even if we feel we are sitting in darkness just now, somewhere the light still shines. Whether we are wrestling with low mood, anxiety or sadness, God’s love is still our Guide.

In John chapter I verse 5 it says; the Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness could not put it out’ Whatever we might be struggling with today, there is always hope, and possibilities of forgiveness and new beginnings. May we find courage to believe.

Gracious God, sometimes the world seems so dark, with conflict and ugliness and greed. It is easy to lose hope, and to despair of things getting better. Lord Jesus, thankyou for the Advent message of Your coming into the world as a vulnerable baby, revealing the very nature of God, and your promise to one day come back. Holy spirit, reveal to us more of the light, and may that light diminish our darkness, and help us find our path. Thankyou that there is always some light in the sky, in Jesus name, Amen.

So fed up feeling helpless!

It has been raining much of the day. It feels like it has been raining in my soul too. It is easy to feel downcast- the news from the Ukraine is searingly awful, along with news from Afghanistan, Yemen, Syria and so many other places. I feel pretty helpless.

It seems a common theme. Today I went through some old papers of my late husband’s, and it just felt overwhelmingly sad. Rereading diaries, reawakening old memories and wounds. It was depressing.

There are so many times in life when we feel helpless. I remember when I had broken a bone in my foot, and I had made a doctor’s appointment asking for a ground floor appointment. Of course when I got there, it was an upstairs room that was allocated. I sat on the bottom stair,so frustrated, and thinking I am going to have to crawl, which is going to be just a bit undignified, but there was nothing else to be done.

Maybe this is a season of helplessness. Lent is the time when we think of Jesus alone in the desert, resisting temptation. It feels like a time of confronting reality, and it is so stark.

And yet, when we feel helpless, we know that Jesus is walking with us. Just as he came alongside Cleopas and his dejected friend on the road from Jerusalem, Jesus comes alongside us, and somehow we find strength.

We might feel helpless, but it is not the truth. When faced with the violent darkness of war, we keep praying for peace and doing what we can. When I reread old journals, there are some lighter memories also. When I was stuck at the bottom of the stairs, some one switched rooms, so I could have a downstairs appointment. It was just a struggle, but these moments of despair passed.

When we feel under pressure, or unable to do much, we remember God’s words to us: “Do not be afraid, for I am with you. I will strengthen you, I will help you. I will hold you with my right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

Gracious God, these feel like dark days, where we feel helpless to combat all the sadness and suffering in the world, whether personally or internationally. Lord Jesus, please come along side us, and through your loving presence may we find strength. May your holy spirit remind us that we are not powerless, for with You nothing is impossible. Help us to wait upon you, and to pray and to trust, and to know that help is on the way, Amen

There is still good in the world!

There are days that seem heavy, when things just don’t seem to be working out. It can be little things, a parking fine, the washing machine breaking down, or something more serious, like a misunderstanding with a friend. There are things that frustrate us, worry us, or can just seem like one thing too many. Often it is not just whatever that has happened, that is troubling. It is what it represents, or what we are already trying to deal with, that can make it seem hard. It can be the straw that threatens to break that camel’s back.

The danger is that when negative events accumulate, that we lose our sense of perspective, and the world can seem a dark place. It makes us not want to get up in the morning, or to want to escape our responsibilities for a while.

This week was very busy, and I seemed to run from meeting to meeting. One evening, about 8.30pm a young man came to my door, and asked if I had lost anything. I said no- reasonable confidently. Then he gave me my purse back, sealed in a transparent plastic bag. His girlfriend had found it, where I had dropped it, over 5 miles away, and they brought it back to me intact, and out of the kindness of their hearts. They didn’t want anything for it, they just wanted to reunite it with its owner.

In the midst of these turbulent days, it is good to be reminded that some people are just really kind. They have no hidden agenda, no selfish motives, they just want to do the right thing. And meeting these people is such a joy, and actually there are so many about. They remind us of the goodness in the world, and that there is always still hope.

In the bible, there are so many stories, where people make mistakes, or are struggling with purpose or loss, and then something brings them a glimpse of more positive possibilities. The psalms are full of such moments, and a recurring theme is that God’s nature never changes. It is so simple and yet powerful, like psalm 100 verse 5 ” For the Lord is God, His loving kindness is everlasting. ‘ We are so thankful.

Gracious God, we all have days when we feel down, when so many things go wrong- some are just frustrating, others deeply worrying, and they all deplete our energy. Lord Jesus when we feel like this, may we remember Your unrelenting goodness and grace, and find hope. Thankyou for people who quietly show great kindness to others. And when we wonder where these people are, may Your Holy spirit inspire us to be people of grace and care to others. Thankyou for all the good in this world, we praise You, Amen.

After the rain……

Black clouds and then ethereal beauty.

I was fortunate enough to be away for a few days up north. I so appreciated the change from the normal frantic pace of life, to a time of space and light and rest. I was so blessed. The weather was often amazing, but there was a particular day when you could see the black clouds gathering up ahead. There was nothing I could do, but wait for the inevitable rain. The deluge was heavy and torrential and the puddles deep.

However, after the rain, it was magical. There is a softness in the light, and the whole of creation seems to be coated with a reflective shimmer, that adds brilliance to all things. It was magnificent.

Often we question why there is so much suffering in the world, so much heartache and pain. There are no easy answers to these profound wrestlings about meaning and purpose.

Yet often on our journey, we find that after the rain and the sorrow, we develop a patience and a softness to us, that we have learned in the midst of trauma and sadness. We learn what is important, and what really doesn’t matter at all.

The temptation when skies are dark, is to become overwhelmed, to doubt, to become full of self pity or resentment. Why has God allowed this to happen, we shout.

Yet, even in the darkest and coldest experiences, we discover the tender presence of Jesus alongside us, we find a flicker of light, an act of kindness that brings comfort and a deep sense of connection. And these moments transform all things, and help us trust that God is still good.

I was thinking of the verse from Leviticus 26:4 ‘ I will send you rain in season, and the ground will yield its crops, and the trees their fruit.’ Even the rain has a purpose, and can bring new life and growth.

Creator God, You have created a beautiful world of light and shadow, rain and sunshine, heat and cold. Every experience can have significance and purpose, and we learn from each one. Lord Jesus, you teach us that after the most terrifying storm, can come peace, and that after rain can come a deep calm and serenity. Whatever adversity we have faced, or are facing, may your holy spirit help us to find a deeper insight and new perspective, which brings us wisdom which we can share with others, and draws us closer to You, Amen.