Carried by prayer!

Recent weeks have been tough. I have had to change direction in my life, and although I know it was the right thing to do, I am grieving over the people I miss, and the calling I love. It is a desert time.

Yet in the midst of my sadness and loss, I have been so encouraged by the people who have been thoughtful and prayerful. I am so grateful for people’s understanding and compassion. I am so tempted to judge myself, that I appreciate when others don’t make my burden heavier by their critical spirit. Every prayerful, gracious response has strengthened me.

It reminds us as a community to be kind to each other. When some one is struggling, then taking time to pray can just make such a difference. Even in my sorrow and questioning, I feel carried by prayer. Sometimes the right person has turned up at a crucial time, or a message of support has lifted me up. And I believe that it is through prayer that these miraculous things have happened, and I am deeply grateful.

Jesus talked about prayer in Luke chapter 18 when he spoke of the persistent widow and said to his disciples that they should pray and not give up. The 19th century poet Tennyson said ‘ more things are wrought by prayer, than this world dreams of’. This is such a powerful quotation, and inspires us that when we pray, God can change things for good.

We are not to make a spectacle about prayer, it is often a quiet occupation, just in our room in the beginning or evening of the day. Although we don’t always see the fruit of our prayer, when we get to heaven, we will have a better understanding. And when we see the majesty and goodness and love of God, we will be humbled indeed. Meantime, even though I feel spiritually battered and sore, I am so grateful to be carried by prayer, surrounded by love and so wonderfully blessed.

Gracious God, You have loved us since before the beginning of time. We are made in Your image, bought at a price through Jesus’ death on the cross, forgiven and set free. Yet sometimes we find ourselves in situations where we are enmeshed in things which pull us down and make us self doubt. Lord Jesus Christ, for all who are struggling, bring your healing grace, and minister to us by the power of your Holy Spirit. May the prayers and encouragement of loving people, bring restoration of identity and the truth that sets us free. Help us to persevere in prayer, through which God does amazing and beautiful things, Amen.

My laptop’s memory is full!

I have had some technical difficulties in recent weeks. I dropped my laptop on the floor, and the hinge is damaged. And I have received lots of warning notices, that the memory is full, and so now none of the updates are happening, and it is refusing to save my documents.

After consultation, I have had to buy a new laptop. To fix the hinge was going to be expensive, and I had had the laptop for many years. I couldn’t work out why the memory was so full- I defragmented it often, and i thought i was taking care of it. On investigation, it turned out it was photos from my old windows phones that were taking up all the space. I need to go through them, and let go some of these photos.

The whole exercise has left me with questions about the past and present and future, and how they all relate. Photos can remind us of past events and people and so are to be cherished. They capture moments in time, that are so precious. Yet they can also remind us of darker times and experiences. What do we keep? We keep the amazing photos, with happy associations. But the others- do we keep them because they remind us of the truth, or let them go because they are too painful?

In Psalm 90 verse 12, the psalmist says ‘Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom’. Our lives are fleeting, we want to live life to the full. How do we gain wisdom? Our past is something we learn from, and this learning can guide our steps in the future. Yet if we dwell on it too much, it can also imprison us and pull us down. How do we find a balance, so we can remember and learn, but in such a way that the past doesn’t determine our future.

My first practical step is to go through my photos, and edit that number down considerably! But I also need to prayerfully ask God to help me give thanks for all my memories, and to ask for healing for the darker recollections. I want to learn, then to let go, to make space for new experiences and direction. May we not get stuck, but find the freedom we seek now and in the future.

Gracious God, You want to bring us to a spacious place of light, but we so easily clog things up with memories that unsettle and disturb. Lord Jesus, You love us, and you know every detail of our lives, every event, every person met. Please help us to give thanks for all that is edifying, and to prayerfully reflect on, and release to you difficult moments and experiences from the past. Through the power of your holy spirit, cleanse and heal. Lift the heaviness from us, teach us to forgive and be forgiven, so we can dance once more in freedom and in joy. Show us what to do, and how to live well in the present, and to build for the future, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

Living with loss, yet experiencing hope…

Dear friends, this always seems an exquisitely beautiful but melancholy time of year. The leaves of the trees are a myriad of soft yellow, orange and brown, but are flying in the breeze and landing on the ground, leaving branches bare and lonely. Sunlight makes it a luminous time, but there is also a sense of transition and loss.

After much prayer and pondering, I am inviting you to a book promotion evening on 7th November at 7 for 7.30pm at St George’s Tron Church, 163 Buchanan Street, G1 2JX. I am a little anxious about this, but trusting that this is the right choice, so please bear with me as I explain why.

I started writing about 5 years ago, after the death of my husband Colin, who was a veteran. His story was untold, and I felt compelled to honour his memory by writing ‘ Love song for a wounded warrior’ so his writing about his service in Northern Ireland could be published, alongside our struggles as a family, to try to support him. I was so grateful to Jock Stein and Handsel press for publishing this.

I started to blog about my attempts to process my grief and trauma, complicated by other family losses and then the pandemic. The isolation, sadness and questioning were very real, and I wanted to form an online community where people knew that they were not alone in their sorrow.

This lead to a second book ‘ Love songs for healing and hope’ published last year. It is a compilation of blogs, personal stories of others facing personal challenges and sadnesses, and of resources offered to help others who are struggling.

The idea behind this is just to support others who have experienced complex loss and trauma, and to say to people that they are not alone, and that they are loved. As a Christian, these are devotional resources, but are offered to all, to encourage healing of wounds, and hope that things can get better one day.

For various reasons, I have not given this book much publicity, and feel called by God to do so. Especially in this period leading up to Christmas when memories are so raw, and grief so strong, this seems a significant time to offer this resource.

If you would like to buy a copy, please email woundedwarriorfg@gmail.com The book is £15 plus £2.30 postage. All proceeds go to two charities- Quiet Waters Counselling service, based in Camelon, and Richmond’s Hope, that provides support for children and young people who have been bereaved. Or come along to our promotional evening, where there will be a presentation about the book, and an opportunity for questions.

Thankyou for reading this. It is such a tiny contribution to such an important area, it seems like just a pebble thrown in the ocean. But my prayer is that the ripples might bring healing and hope to others, and that somehow this might make a difference.

Gracious God, in autumn, we let go of so many things, of our old ways of thinking, of our faded hopes and dreams, of expectations and assumptions. They end up like the soggy leaves at the bottom of the forest floor. It is painful and messy. Yet Lord Jesus, after a long time of gruelling winter, you bring new buds, possibilities of growth and hope. Whatever stage we find ourselves in life this day, even if it is a weepy out of sorts day, may we find strength to keep hoping, to find connection with others, and with God, safe places of lament and listening and solace, of deep healing and peace. May God provide all that we need, and the sweet encouragement of his holy spirit, until the light of hope burns strongly once more. Amen.

Lindisfarne sunrise!

I have been so very privileged to spend a weekend on Lindisfarne. I prayed about where I was to be, and a wonderful and encouraging lady called Kay and the URC church was to be an answer to my prayer! A long story, and a miracle allowed me to be here. God provided for me so perfectly, I am astounded.

I was so very tired coming here, weighed down by the cares of the world. But here in this holy island, with a history of hundreds of years of prayer, the gift of peace was given. Reading about the Lindisfarne gospels, imagining the life of the Christian community here, being at St Cuthbert’s Island have been inspiring.

And then the weather- windy, cold but clear and sunny has suited me. Long walks watching the changes of the tide, and the roar of the sea have been breathtaking.

The waves have been so mighty, they have looked like white hedgehogs moving across the ocean, stirring up ever changing foam tapestries in every direction. Phenomenal!

So many verses are coming back to me, but especially from psalm 67:

‘ May God be gracious to us and bless us, and make His face shine upon us.’

When we see the sun rise over the horizon, it is a sign of hope. Whatever the darkness of the previous day has been, today we have a new beginning. God wants us to learn from the past, to find healing, and to then to bless us. The sunrise brings rays of light, and is a tangible sign of a new way forward.

Gracious God, thank You for the way that You provide for your people, in such perfect forms, and for the ways that your holy spirit is at work. Even when we have been lost in darkness, Your light still shines upon us.

We also thank you for your mercies, which are new every morning, for your holy spirit who breathes new life into us though prayer, reflection and the beauty of your creation. Thank you for places of pilgrimage, where we can retreat, and find shelter, rest and restoration. Bring refreshment to all who are weary, and may your beautiful light bring inspiration and blessing, hope and courage for each new day, Amen.

Cherishing the sparrow

Many of you are aware that I have had a bereavement in these recent weeks. It was not unexpected, and yet it seems so painful. There always seems that element of shock and disbelief, like you have entered into a nightmare from which you hope to awaken. Images and conversations replay in your head, and keep you awake.

I have so much to be thankful for. Now my loved one does not suffer any longer, and God’s grace has been immense. I am deeply thankful for their life and all that they mean to me.

Times of bereavement bring such disquiet, old memories resurface, questions emerge, and reflection becomes essential. At these times, we all need space to process and to grieve, to gain perspective.

I am so grateful for that bible verse that tells that God sees even the smallest most ordinary bird, and that there is a home for these tiny birds in His house. He also says in Matthew 10: 30a to 31 ‘ aren’t you worth much more to God than many sparrows. So don’t worry. For your Father cares deeply about even the smallest detail of your life’ ( the Passion translation).

Even in the midst of pain and bereavement, God knows our situation, sees our tears and heals us. What happens to us matters. We might feel insignificant and unseen, but we have a God who sees us, and loves and cherishes us. What a wonderful God we have, what a compassionate Saviour, who loves us with a generous and extravagant love. Even in the darkest night, he hears our cries, and ge answers.

All seeing God, you are good and loving and kind, You are the Creator of all things, and yet You notice the humble sparrow in the hedgerow, the workings of ants, and hear the plaintive bleat of a lamb lost on the hillside. Lord Jesus, You are the Saviour of the world, yet you notice our struggles, love us even in our darkest days, offer forgiveness for our sins, and give us a new beginning every morning. Even in time if pain and lament, You are with us, and your holy spirit brings consolation and healing, Your presence provides for us a place of attentive safety, where we can unburden our souls. We bring to You our praise and deep thanksgiving for who You are, and rest content in your loving arms, Amen

Hospital lifts!

Recently I have spent a little bit of time travelling in hospital lifts. They have a character all of their own.

This one in the picture is not working- hence the no entry sign. Hospital lifts often seem to be in need of care- maybe that symbolises that whole character of the place, much love and healing needed.

Lifts literally bring people together, unless you prefer the many stairs. So you find yourself in a rectangular box with a microcosm of humanity. There are the worried people with plastic bags, taking up more washing to a loved one, the parent and child clutching a take away coffee and hand drawn picture, the person out of breath after running up the hill, the person sneaking out for a smoke, and the defeated person standing gazing into space in the corner.

There are snatches of conversation- he was worse today, so confused- the parking machine wasn’t working- I don’t know why the doctor said that. And then in the middle of it all, the excited family with pink balloons, welcoming the arrival of a newborn.

It is a place of silence and story- some too weary to speak, others telling you about the phonecall they got, and that they have been up since 5am. Some are full of hope for the success of that operation, others fearing the worst.

It has struck me that this is sacred ground. It is a place where kindness is everything, holding a lift door open, a smile, a listening ear. In the aching sadness and exuberant joy, all contained in that small rectangle, there is opportunity to love and to show support.

It reminds me that everyday, we can choose to adopt the values of God, as outlined in Colossians 2:12-13 ‘ since God chose you to be holy people he loves, you must clothe yourselves with tenderhearted mercy, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you.’ May we always be clothed in that gracious kindness and tenderhearted mercy, even in a hospital lift!

Gracious God, so many people are hurting and in pain, so many in hospital and at home, who are bewildered, upset or weary. We have such a privilege to show others the love of Christ, when they need that word in season, a word of understanding, support or encouragement. Holy spirit, even when we ourselves are weary, help us to choose to love, to make one person feel heard and valued. Bless all who work in health care, those who are patients, those who visit. May the balm of Gilead flow, through all, through doctors, nurses, auxiliaries and chaplains, and may there be an awareness that this is sacred ground, in Jesus name, Amen

Bagpipes and banter!

You know that way where you are invited to a house, and they welcome you, and it feels amazing.

After getting off a transatlantic flight, I was welcomed by my beautiful friends, they met me, and made food for me, set a fun table, and even played ‘ bagpipe’ music. The fun and the banter ( and even the music) expressed a deep feeling of acceptance and love. It is such a meaningful thing to be welcomed and loved.

I think of people who feel lonely or invisible, and how hard life can be. We can all begin to doubt ourselves, and to question our value. People’s stories are often full of misunderstanding and rejection, which can spiral into depression.

Everyone wants to be heard, understood and valued, to be seen. I wonder how we can do this better, in families, in society. There are always people that we find difficult, but even if we prayed more for each other, if we recognised the positive, and were kinder, that would be a start. It can take a while to get to forgiveness, but even civility can be a starting place.

When we are welcomed and shown hospitality, especially that space to be, that is so healing in itself, for when we relax, then we have more insight, we see things more clearly, and we are more open to learning. And we need to learn, to grow in our understanding and our faith.

I love the story of the Prodigal son in Luke 15, where the young man has tried to go it alone, to be independent, but he falls into bad company, squanders his money, and he has nothing left. He decides to go back to his father’s house and beg for mercy. He must have felt so ashamed, at letting everyone down, and being such a failure. It was a very public humiliation, as he walked back along that path to his family home.

Despite the fact that the son had been away for a long time, the Father is looking out for him. He welcomes him, gives him the best robes, and kills the fatted calf for him. He has to welcome him because once he was lost, but now he is found. He is welcomed, accepted and there is a place for him.

I wonder if we are craving acceptance, a place where we are known and loved. By the grace of God, this is what the Christian faith offers us, a God who reaches out to us in love and grace, who longs for us to know his saving love. We are all so loved, if only we can receive it.

Gracious and hospitable God, You are so patient and loving with us, even though we do not deserve it. We stamp our feet, go off on the wrong path, whilst proudly thinking we know best. And then when it goes wrong, we are so ashamed and downhearted. Lord Jesus, thankyou that You don’t reject us, but look upon us with mercy. Thankyou for the story of the forgiving Father, and that You welcome Your prodigal sons and daughters home with such a tender love. When we feel far from You, lost in the darkness, may we know the prompting of your spirit, bringing us into your living presence here on earth, and to know your generous welcome of love and light, acceptance and care. For Jesus sake, Amen

Courage to speak!

I am deeply thankful for my life. That doesn’t mean that everything has gone smoothly, or I don’t have any questions. Life has often been painful, confusing, and dark. But in the midst of the obscurity and shadows, God has lifted me up, brought me forgiveness, has helped me endure, healed me and given me hope. In many ways, I have learned what is important though these experiences.

For me after my husband’s death, I was asking God to help me make any sense of it all, and He helped me tell his story as a veteran who had intractable epilepsy and trauma. He enabled me to write ‘ Love song for a wounded warrior’ and to tell something of his story, so he wouldn’t be forgotten. It was such a big step, to speak into the silence, to place letters on a pristine white page, and then to wait….

Then, later on, I wanted to share something of my story of healing and on going recovery. I found my anchor in H Nouwen’s ‘The wounded healer’ and wanted to share different ways that Christ’s healing love helped to heal my wounds of grief and loss with the salve of Gilead, to help me work through trauma, and to reconstruct my identity after being a carer for so many years. And so I wrote a second book ‘ Love songs for healing and hope’ . It is composed of a collection of these blogs, some beautiful insights from friends, and some pastoral resources.

I am so grateful to share this book ‘ Love songs for healing and hope’. It costs £15, and all proceeds are split between two amazing charities Richmond Hope and Quiet Waters. I would like to raise more money for these charities. So far, £1400 has been raised, and I am so grateful. If you would like to order a copy, please contact woundedwarriorfg@gmail.com Please also share this information!

My experiences have reminded me how important it is that everyone gets an opportunity to tell their story. It has made me a more attentive listener. It has helped me see things differently, and to marvel at the gift of life, and to cherish it. My thanksgiving enables me to be more purposeful and more appreciative. I have so much still to learn, and I want to thank you for sharing my journey, and to take this opportunity to thank you for your prayers and support. May we continue to support, love and pray for one another, as we seek to heal.

Creator God, You spoke, and everything came into being, the moon and the stars, the vastness of galaxies, made out of a swirl of tiny atoms. Lord Jesus, You are the Word of God made flesh, and we see the powerful way You communicated the very essence and goodness of God. Thankyou that You give humanity the gift of communication, to reveal, to comfort, to challenge, to inspire. Holy spirit give us all courage to speak, and the wisdom to know when we should be silent. Help us to use words well, to bless others, and to share Your magnificent and healing love with all. Amen.

Memories, painful, therapeutic or both?

Memory is such a powerful but mysterious part of our minds and our souls. We all remember in different ways, sometimes we are good at remembering numbers, or names, or faces. Sometimes our memories are coloured by subsequent happenings, and so are hard to work out. Memories can be strong or fuzzy, or different for different types of experiences. So much is inexplicable.

This season of Remembrance is vitally important. The principle of remembering those who gave their lives in the service of their country, along with those who returned, and thinking of their families is part of being a compassionate society. When people have sacrificed so much for the sake of others, they should be honoured and remembered.

The nature of the remembering is more tricky. Everyone has their own individual experiences and perceptions, so the overall experience can be varied. It can be hard to have balance- one veteran remembers with great thanksgiving the life of a fallen comrade, whilst another is lost in the traumatic memory of a grenade exploding. Remembering is poignant.

Sometimes we want to try and forget, to repress difficult memories, but then the danger is that they bubble back to the surface after doing much damage. So we need to remember, even tough recollections, so we can process them, and become more healthy. There are many therapeutic ways of doing this, if you find the right person to be supportive. All too many veterans come back with ptsd, and need specialised support and don’t always have access to this, causing damage to self and to others.

I think of Jesus at the last supper, saying about eating the bread, and drinking the wine ‘ do this in memory of me’. He wanted his friends to know that he was willing to lay down his life out of love, snd to keep this love central in the life of the community, by continuing to celebrate this sacrament. Remembering had a sad dimension, but also had an aspect of hope.

This Remembrance Sunday, I pray that no one is struggling with dark and traumatic memories of conflict and war alone. I pray that everyone would have a safe person to be supportive, and when relevant, to signpost them to effective help. In a day of powerful emotions, may there even yet, be a sense of love, and the possibility of hope.

Creator God, You created human beings to be so amazing, and to be so beautiful, yet we can also be so conflicted and damaged. Lord Jesus, thankyou that You suffered on the cross, and that You understand our struggles and traumatic and painful memories. May the light and love of Christ dissipate the power of experiences of darkness and violence. Bring healing to all who suffer the vicissitudes of war, so that each one can find peace and meaning. May your holy spirit heal our memories, so we are free to breathe and live once more, in Jesus name, Amen.

So many spiritual casualties.

I have been travelling, and loved it. Recently I watched some swallows going in and out of a nest, so graceful in their flight, playing and dancing and darting about. They looked so free, and their nest was the centre of the action.

It reminded me of the verse in the psalms, in psalm 84 about God’s house; ‘ the bird has found a house, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may lay her young.’ Psalm 84 talks about how the house of God can be a place of the presence of God, a place of safety and worship.

It got me thinking however, about how many people have not found the church to be like this. Over the years I have met so many people who have been let down by the church, and hurt by the people in it.

I know some people find me difficult, and I apologise to anyone who I have hurt, or forgotten something important. I am so very human, and I grieve over mistakes I have made.

Church families are very human too. Often we are trying our best, but when personalities disagree, or there is conflict, we sometimes forget the ways of Christ, to pray, to talk, to seek forgiveness, to be peacemakers. And even when we try, sometimes with the best will in the world it doesn’t work out. We don’t know each other’s stories, we can judge the other harshly but excuse ourselves. And it is so very painful.

Whatever happens in a church, the most important thing is that we know that God’s love for us is unchanging, that He looks at us with eyes of mercy, and that because of Jesus Christ He forgives us for our faults, and welcomes us into His family. God is always faithful, He does not turn us away. He welcomes us with open arms. And this never changes

Gracious God, Your house in meant to be a place of safety, love and blessing. Forgive us when it becomes a place of hurt and pride and judgement. Forgive us when we hurt others or turn them away. Teach us to live differently. Lord Jesus bind up the wounds of the spiritual casualties around us, people who feel rejected and unvalued from experiences in churches. Holy spirit please be at work in our churches and communities to that people know how much You love them, and that they can find healing and peace in You. May every person have an encourager alongside, to remind them that they are seen and loved, for Lord Jesus, this is why You came, Amen.