Deep calls to deep…

I have been so privileged to be able to travel recently. Travel reminds me there is a big beautiful world out there, and helps give me a sense of perspective. I have met so many fascinating people along the way, people who share their stories and something of themselves.

At the weekend I went to Niagara falls, and I stood for ages just mesmerised by the powerful and noisy rush of water cascading over the edge of the precipice. It was so loud, and carried such force with it. And when you looked at the water, it was a myriad of colours blue, turquoise, green, grey, white. I felt almost hypnotised by the scale and majesty of it all- it felt quite ethereal.

It reminded me of the psalmist, in Psalm 42 verse 7 where the psalmist says ‘ Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls, all your waves and breakers have sweet over me.’

The psalmist is lamenting, remembering a better past, and his soul is longing for God like a deer longing for water. And beside this waterfall, he experiences the presence of God, and he chooses to put his hope in God once more, and to praise Him once more.

May we all have waterfall experiences, where that deep connection with God is restored. It cannot always be put into words, but it is like the love and mercy of God cascading over us, cleansing and refreshing and reviving our soul. And that is the very thing we need the most.

Gracious God, our lives can be out of kilter, alienated from ourselves and from others, and we cry to You for help. Thankyou that You hear our cry of longing and pleading even from the darkest place We lament over the things that are lost, and listen for your response. And in the sound of the waterfall, powerful and melodic, we hear Your voice. In Christ Jesus, You restore us to Yourself, bringing that deep reconciliation and integration that we need. In your presence, the Holy Spirit recreate us in the image of God, so we are free to be our true selves, loved, purposeful and at peace. And when we get stuck again, which we always will, may Your love reconnect us, and bless and replenish our souls. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

A theology of photos?

I have been looking through photographs recently. I take a very large number of photos. I guess I am afraid that I will forget something significant, so I keep clicking! I learned from a photographer, that it is often by taking large numbers of photos, you get one that really resonates. My only problem is when I forget to delete the rest!

I am not particularly good at taking photos, and I just use my phone. However, I love remembering a lovely evening with family or friends, or an inspiring landscape, just after a storm, or the first rays of light over the horizon in the morning.

I am making up some photo books, and I love selecting photos connecting me with memories of people, travel and moments of transcendence. It might be photos of a children’s party, a church celebration, a butterfly that alights beside my chair. These photos elicit a deep feeling of thanksgiving and the richness of life.

John O Donoghue wrote; ‘ the wonder of beauty is it’s ability to surprise us. With swift sheer grace, it is like a divine breath that blows the heart open’. Quiet miracles can be captured in photographs giving us an eternal reminder of a divine encounter or revelation, that consoles and inspires every time we look at it. That can be the wonder of photography which truly blows the heart open.

One of the challenges is what we do with the darker photos- and I don’t mean the ones where we have forgotten to use the flash! I mean the photos that reminds you of when communication broke down, or the person was sick, or the mood was sombre. What do we do with these remembrances?

After much internal debate, I have kept many of these photos, and sometimes integrated them into bigger collections, for they also represent part of life. They speak of the shadow side of life which is equally real. We might not want to dwell on them too much, but it is part of our appreciation of what is loving and inspirational, that we also acknowledge the poignant and the sorrowful. A knowledge of the darker side of our lives gives a deeper appreciation of what is uplifting or joyful.

The verse from psalm 29:2 says ‘ worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness’. Noticing the beauty and goodness of God in photographic form, whether it is in the sparrow hopping about under a hedgerow, or a sacred time with a friend, or the companionship of your dog, is a great blessing. And photographs remind you of these blessings, and can bring much joy and consolation, for which we give thanks.

Gracious God, You give us such rich experiences in life, glimpses of Your love and goodness revealed in this earthly life. We are so grateful for memories- poignant and joyful, and all the intertwined connections. Lord Jesus we give thanks for the gift of photography, which can reinforce gaps in our fallible memories, and speak to our hearts. Holy Spirit, when we are ready, enable us to take time to look through old photos, and to give thanks. We pray for healing of old wounds, and ask for a deeper appreciation for the richness of our lives. Though the gift of photography, may our reverence for You be strenggthened, and may we remember and give thanks, in Jesus’ name, Amen

6 years- tears still fall…

It is now 6 years since my husband died. He was a veteran, who was invalided out of the military because of his head injury, which resulted in poorly controlled epilepsy. He struggled with ptsd symptoms, guilt and neurological decline. It was an arduous and painful journey.

I thought after 6 years, things would be better, and I would be more at peace. God has carried me through the darkest days, and there has been healing, and He has sustained me through a gracious and prayerful community round me.

However I think the sense of injustice around his injuries, and his suffering remain deep. Like so many veterans, his injuries and symptoms made it almost impossible to receive the support he needed, even if it had been available. Isolation, a complex woundedness, and harrowing memories all mitigated against healing.

In the midst of it all, signs of Colin remained- a tremendous loyalty, a generous spirit, a dry sense of humour, a quest for justice. Life with Colin was never boring! But his emotional pain simultaneously caused enormous frustration, rage, resentment and rigorous self questioning, that left him in turmoil.

As I look back, I am thankful for all I learned, about epilepsy, disability, ptsd symptoms and moral injury. I heard so many of Colin’s stories of active service, I felt I had lived them too, and it helped me inderstand better.

But it motivates me to ask what can be done to better support those who are struggling in their own personal hell of traumatic memories and disabilities? How can we as a society be more aware, better informed, more compassionate. The very people who need the support the most, are often the very last to come forward. For some, it is already too late…….

This is a pleas for all who are on the margins, who don’t fit the conventional definitions and or conform to institutional orthodox medical pathways. How can we see and build bridges for the hurting and maimed, the brutalised and despairing?

The bible verses that have most resonated with me recently have been from Isaiah 42:3 ‘ a bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not extinguish. In faithfulness, He will bring justice.’ Jesus Himself quoted from this prophesy in Matthew chapter 12: 20. For the battered and bruised, for those abused and badly treated, there is a recognition of woundedness and a tender love offered, which can be a step to healing, for those able to hear, a tentative possibility of hope.

I am deeply thankful for all who have so patiently and lovingly supported myself and my son in all in these years. Your listening ear, kindness and prayers have lifted us up and given us courage. But for those today, still wrestling with trauma, rage, disability, feelings of betrayal and profound sadness, may there always be people willing to go the extra mile to support and listen and love. God have mercy on us all.

Father God, You are the source of all love and goodness, You look upon this planet with a desire for our good. Yet we so often mess up, and hurt one another, and get it wrong. And there are so many casualties, people who feel alienated and isolated, traumatised and disturbed, who desperately need healing and peace. Lord Jesus Christ, forgive us when we disparage and judge others, when we walk on the other side of the road, and ignore their cries. Bring healing to our society, so we turn towards the hurting with a willingness to come alomgside one another, and to show mercy and understanding. Holy spirit be with those today who have lost hope, who are struggling, and those who walk with them. May there be a spark of light and connection, which can bring them back, or even make their journey more tolerable, just for a moment, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

Melon makes me cry!

Recent weeks have been tricky. I love the season of Advent- the anticipation, the candles, the wonder, as we prepare to celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ with the world. It is such a beautiful time of the year, filled with hope and possibility.

However it is also so very poignant. It is difficult not to look back and remember past Christmases, and remember those no longer with you. I am at an age where my Christmas card list has shrunk, because a number of my friends are no longer here. And the number of empty places at the table has meant that a table is barely required.

Melon makes me cry, because my mum loved melon. After her surgeries 8 years ago, she was often thirsty, and when she had melon, her whole face lit up, and she enjoyed it so much. I so enjoyed buying her melon.

Now I see melon in the supermarket, and I am all ready to put it in my basket, and then stop. My mum passed away in September, and she doesn’t need melon anymore. My emotional muscle memory wants to keep buying it though, and is just a strand of the sharp pain of loss. For the newly bereaved, so many things make us cry.

Advent is still a wonderful time, and we are reminded that Jesus is our Emmanuel, the God who is with us. He understands our grief, and we do not need to pretend with him. The light of the candle flame is more meaningful when you have sat in deep darkness.

Intellectually, I understand that this will eventually become a time of forming new traditions and possibilities. But right now, I just need space to sit in the darkness. I have found with emotional pain, my body often reflects that, and so three weeks ago my shoulder started to hurt. After seeing my wonderful osteopath and a physio it is getting better, but the pain of my shoulder seemed to somehow embody the pain of my heart. I so admire people who manage to live well with chronic pain, because for me even just some physical pain for a short time, I have found exhausting and debilitating.

In psalm 147:3 it says: God heals the broken hearted, and binds up their wounds’. For people whose hearts are sore at Christmas, we are reminded that we have a Saviour who cares, who came to offer salvation to all, forgiveness, love and a new beginning. It doesn’t happen overnight, for healing is gradual, messy and chaotic, but even the possibility of healing, the idea that the pain might ease, and peace come, brings hope.

Gracious and Eternal God, under the shadow of your wings, comes shelter and healing. For all who are sore, whose dreams are shattered, may they find healing nestling in your arms of love. Lord Jesus, Babe of Bethlehem, you weep over the pain and heartbreak of many, whose lives are upside down, who despair and cry out to You. Emmanuel come to us, to all who cry out to You, and may Your presence enable tears of pain to be transformed to tears of relief and thanksgiving. Holy spirit, thankyou that we are never alone, that You hold us in these in between shadow times, until we find courage to re-emerge into the world once more. Meantime, may the prayers and encouragement of family and friends bring blessing and even peace, Amen.

Tears falling from the sky

My goodness, it is 5 years since my late husband’s death. I naively thought at the time because he had been ill for such a long period, I had done a lot of grieving already. Boy was I wrong, as there was so much more to come.

It has taken me 5 years to work things though, with the help of God and a loving community around me. I think I was numb the first year, just trying to settle paper work, to do practical things, and get back into a rhythm of work. Year two I focused on honouring Colin’s life by telling a bit of our story, and publishing some of his poems and writings- ‘Love song for a wounded warrior’ – I felt he was smiling from heaven. A great sadness was that his parents both died before the book was published, and our grief as a family was so complex and so deep.

In the years following, the covid virus and restrictions caused everyone to be so isolated from one another, that it has meant grief and loss has often been locked away, unexpressed, just weighing people down, a silent burden of pain. We all need to talk.

God has been so gracious. He has helped me find ways to work though the trauma of painful menories and grief, to help me find a deeper healing. I wrote ‘ Love songs for Healing and Hope’ also available on Amazon, to share a bit of my grief journey, to offer devotional material, and to share the story of friends.

I have learned what a roller coaster ride complex grief is. In the rain, I think of tears falling, pathetic fallacy, as I learned at school, where the eniroment seems to mirror your emotions. One of the songs I go back to in my darkest days is Andrew Peterson’ s ‘ After the last tear falls’. Even when life is bleak and we are bereft, somewhere there is still love. We can be sad at death, the cruelty of suffering, of the loss of dreams and a future.

Jesus understands our lamentation- he wept over the death of Lazarus, he shared the pain and sorrow of his family. He understands our deep despair and loss. But Jesus also called Lazarus out of the cold tomb, his grave clothes are unbound, and he restored his life. And in due time, Jesus calls us out of places of musty darkness and stench of death, into the brightness of morning. We are changed forever by our experiences, but gradually we learn to live with our loss, and there can be hope and new beginnings. Everyone’s journey is different, but I want to encourage people who are in a dark place, that there is help, that your story is important, and that God never gives up on You, but carries you each day.

I am deeply thankful for all that God has taught me, for those who have supported and prayed for me, for the healing power of nature and of community. It has been a more difficult journey that I would have ever imagined, and today the pain is more raw than I expected, still after all these years, but Jesus has brought me a slow and steady healing process, and God’s spirit breaths new life into me each day. What more can I ask?

Gracious God, how often must tears fall from the sky, and life be so cruel, and loss be so devastating. There is so much darkness. Lord Jesus, thank you for your healing light, bringing forgiveness, settling us free from our chains, helping us find peace. We cry to You, and You answer, although at times we are so lost in our pain, we don’t even notice. Bless all who mourn this day, and may they find comfort. Carry us each day, even through the years, until we are ready for your holy spirit to breath new life into us. Through our tears, may we attentive to your voice, and find the healing we need, so we can then share this grace and hope with others, Amen

So fed up feeling helpless!

It has been raining much of the day. It feels like it has been raining in my soul too. It is easy to feel downcast- the news from the Ukraine is searingly awful, along with news from Afghanistan, Yemen, Syria and so many other places. I feel pretty helpless.

It seems a common theme. Today I went through some old papers of my late husband’s, and it just felt overwhelmingly sad. Rereading diaries, reawakening old memories and wounds. It was depressing.

There are so many times in life when we feel helpless. I remember when I had broken a bone in my foot, and I had made a doctor’s appointment asking for a ground floor appointment. Of course when I got there, it was an upstairs room that was allocated. I sat on the bottom stair,so frustrated, and thinking I am going to have to crawl, which is going to be just a bit undignified, but there was nothing else to be done.

Maybe this is a season of helplessness. Lent is the time when we think of Jesus alone in the desert, resisting temptation. It feels like a time of confronting reality, and it is so stark.

And yet, when we feel helpless, we know that Jesus is walking with us. Just as he came alongside Cleopas and his dejected friend on the road from Jerusalem, Jesus comes alongside us, and somehow we find strength.

We might feel helpless, but it is not the truth. When faced with the violent darkness of war, we keep praying for peace and doing what we can. When I reread old journals, there are some lighter memories also. When I was stuck at the bottom of the stairs, some one switched rooms, so I could have a downstairs appointment. It was just a struggle, but these moments of despair passed.

When we feel under pressure, or unable to do much, we remember God’s words to us: “Do not be afraid, for I am with you. I will strengthen you, I will help you. I will hold you with my right hand.” Isaiah 41:10

Gracious God, these feel like dark days, where we feel helpless to combat all the sadness and suffering in the world, whether personally or internationally. Lord Jesus, please come along side us, and through your loving presence may we find strength. May your holy spirit remind us that we are not powerless, for with You nothing is impossible. Help us to wait upon you, and to pray and to trust, and to know that help is on the way, Amen

Sparkling ice crystals

I have been called away to spend time with God. I am so relieved, as the cares of this world are so heavy. In the last week, there has been so much sad and tragic news. My friends are suffering, and it is so tough. Life can be so cruel at times.

So I am up here in the Cairngorms, and it is stunning, whether it is overcast, or blue skies or raining – and it has been all three in the short time I have been here. The searing wind definitely blows all the cobwebs away!

The majesty of the white streaked mountains, contrasted with the black contoured ridges in so many curvy patterns absorbs your attention, and helps you to just be lost in the expansive vastness of the universe. And I had to find lochs nearby, just for the reflection.

Just being still in nature, can bring restoration and hope, even in the darkness of times. We need to keep choosing to look for the good and beautiful, even when we don’t feel like it.

Some one said ‘ in order to appreciate the beauty of a snowflake, it is necessary to stand out in the cold.’

It can be in the hardest of times, when life feels cold and hostile, that we can glimpse the greatest beauty.

‘He makes everything beautiful in its time.’ Ecclesiastes 3: 11

I took a bit of a circuitous route to get here last night. It was dark and the road more of a track than anything. But I saw the moon reflect on a loch with snow covered mountains around. I met deer who crossed the road in front of me. It was a beautiful journey, that I would have never had if I hadn’t left the beaten track ( or correct road). Even when we are on the road less travelled, may we marvel at the beauty.

Gracious God, sometimes we are lost in the dark, unsure of our direction. Yet You still guide us, and reveal to us unexpected beauty in the landscape, sparkly snow or moonlight reflected on a loch. Lord Jesus, reveal to us Your goodness and mercy to us, so that we might be entranced once more by your love. Sometimes we are hurting deeply, and do not understand. Holy spirit come alongside us, and bring to us your consolation and peace, Amen.

Eeyore kind of days

Eeyore often seems to be feeling sad and gloomy. Even with his friends Winnie the Pooh, Tigger and Piglet, he can sound a bit mournful. And sometimes he just doesn’t seem to know why, he just is.

I think we can all have Eeyore days, when we seem to get out of bed on the wrong side, and it doesn’t matter how hard we try, we just can’t shake that feeling of heaviness. These are days when we are low energy, often irritable, and completely resistant to anyone who has the audacity of trying to cheer us up.

I guess, sometimes, we just need to give one another space to be sad. Sometimes there is a reason to be low mood- it could be an unpleasant conversation, a disappointment or a difficult anniversary. All these things could cause upset. At other times, there is no obvious reason- it is just a day we struggle.

I always remember the story of Job’s comforters, who sat with him whilst he was questioning why so many bad things had happened to him. He lost his children, his home, his livelihood and his health. He lamented his plight, with tears and angst. His friends who sat by him, were a comfort, till they opened their mouth. They tried to provide answers, when there were none, and so they only made it worse. They even tried to suggest it might all have been Job’s fault, and they increased his sense of distress.

When we are hurting, or just feeling a bit lost, we know that God is always willing to be with us. He never rejects us or belittles us. Rather In Isaiah 41:10, it says: ‘Do not fear, for I am with you, do not be dismayed for I am your God, I will strengthen you and help you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.’

When we are having a difficult day, God tells us not to fear, for He is with us, and will strengthen us. When we are unsure He will steady us, and help us. We have such a wonderful and faithful God!

Gracious God, sometimes we have so many questions, we are in so much pain, that we can’t begin to articulate what is wrong. We are just having a sad, kind of lonely day. Thankyou Lord Jesus, that You are the one who stays with us in our distress, that you are closer than a brother. Your love lifts us up from the pit, and you encircle us with grace. Holy spirit, thankyou that when we have no answers we don’t need to hide, that we can be honest, and that you give us people who will sit with us in companionable silence. Thankyou for those people, Amen.

Grief creeping in round the edges.

Christmas Day is now passed. It is a time of thanksgiving, for people that we have spent time with, gifts exchanged, worship in church – atmospheric and inspiring! So much to appreciate.

Despite my strenuous and best efforts, I still find it hard not to grieve as well. I think that I have lost three close relatives in three years, and there is something about the intensity of that, exacerbated by the restrictions of the pandemic, that just seem hard to overcome. I suspect I need to try less hard, and just let things be. It is exhausting trying to be content.

My parents in law, loved showing hospitality at Christmas. They would have the flat decorated, their table would look amazing, they loved to cook food, and for people to chat together. There were elegant candles and tiny shiny angels. They were truly convivial people, and they enjoyed creating a welcoming and lovely space.

There is a cliche about loss, that when some one dies, that there is an empty place at the table. For me, it feels so much bigger than that because the table itself has gone. There is a loss of the whole experience, which will never return.

I am so grateful for the patience of God. He lets me be sorrowful when I need to. When I am trying hard to be optimistic, He gives me space to acknowledge my grief. In Matthew chapter 5 verse 4 Jesus says ‘ blessed are those who mourn for they will be comforted’. And in these days of mixed emotions, the presence of God is indeed a solace.

Eternal God, You are so patient and loving when we hurt. Sometimes we try to hard to heal, as it feels as if we should be better by now, that people don’t want to listen to our continued sadnesses. We exhaust ourselves trying to be upbeat, and grief creeps back in around the edges. Lord Jesus thank you that You love us as we are, that You are our Emmanuel, the God who is with us. Thankyou that You reach down to us, and enfold us in your love, and let us rest. Holy spirit we know You transform our souls, in your perfect timing. Meantime, help us just to wait, quietly, patiently, but with the hope that one day things will indeed be better, Amen.

Putting up the Christmas tree – special memories!

This is a photo from about 14 years ago. The memories are lovely, because everyone loved putting up the Christmas tree- as you can see! We put on Christmas music, found the decorations in the loft, brought everything downstairs and started. Many decorations were made by Andrew, or chosen on a special occasion. There was tinsel everywhere, and the result wasn’t always the neatest. As a family it was a fun activity to do together, with food and drink and even some dancing!

I so miss this. Today we bring the box down from the loft, and wonder who has time to untangle the lights, or get new ones. It has become a bit of a chore. There are so many fewer presents, as people are no longer here. It feels as if it has lost its sparkle.

If we have a Christmas with family all around, it is good to give thanks, and to enjoy all the people interactions, all the bustle and noise. If there are small children involved, then appreciate their wonder and even their tantrums!

Quieter Christmases are just different. There is more space to read, and walk and enjoy music. The Christmas tree eventually goes up, although there is a hint of sadness in its branches.

I remember the verse ‘ Give thanks in all circumstances, for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.’ 1 Thessalonians 5:18

There is something about giving thanks when it is busy, there are toys, and visits and laughter and chaos. Yet also giving thanks when Christmas involves fewer people, and less variety and voices. The challenge is to create new rituals and traditions, to form new communities and to find peace.

Gracious God, before Your face, generations rise and pass away. Thankyou for Christmas, and all the ways that we celebrate the coming of Jesus Christ into this world, the Babe of Bethlehem. We give thanks for the wonder and joy of children, and that they bring this dimension into the day. And we give thanks even when the place settings are empty, and a number of years have gone by. We remember with deep thanksgiving, and we treasure what we have. Holy spirit touch the lives of all for whom this Christmas is tough, and the loss of a loved one so raw. May we all find comfort, and in time courage to create new traditions, for the sake of our Saviour Jesus Christ, Amen.