Remembrance- not just for a day…..

Struggle in the dark.

Remembrance- a day and a season of remembering. We remember those who gave their life for their country, and rightly so. In the midst of the poignant silence, we think of conflicts and wars, family members and friends, whose names are recorded on war memorials up and down the land. We give thanks for people who navigate access to military records that might help us to understand where a loved one died, the circumstances of their death, the location of a war grave if there is one. We give thanks for their willingness to serve, and for their sacrifice.

Another dimension of Remembrance is also to remember those who came back from war- the veterans. Some return with stories to tell, new skills learned, and reintegrate well into society, and I am thankful for this. For others, they come back with physical disabilities, emotional wounds, and spiritual questioning of long held beliefs. The pain of personally witnessing the raw devastation of shootings and bombings, never mind participating in them, can leave veterans with shattered trust, and a fragmented sense of self.

I know that there are many organisations out there to support veterans, but I think it can be difficult to find exactly what you need. If you are struggling with flashbacks and ptsd symptoms, you can want to self medicate and isolate as a coping strategy, and don’t have energy to fill in forms and conform to social norms. Feelings of frustration, anger, fear and shame can put enormous strain on relationships with family and friends, adding to the turmoil. 

My late husband Colin, who died seven years ago was a veteran. He was one of the unfortunate ones, who struggled with physical injury, dark memories, regrets and trauma.

When I was reflecting on a biblical story that might help, I tbought of the story of Jacob in Genesus chapter 32. He is about to meet his brother Esau, and is distressed and wracked by guilt about some of his past behaviour. He prays for safety for his family, and then goes out into the night and wrestles with God. Jacob says he will not stop, until God blesses him, and although he suffers a wounded hip, he discovers the blessing of God. In the midst of struggle in the darkness, Jacob acknowledges his dependence on God, and he finds strength and hope. For many veterans, they too wrestle in the dark, but finding any answers can be tough indeed.

For veterans and their families, there can be so many struggles, for understanding, for respect, for meaningful support in the midst of nightmares and trauma. On Remembrance Sunday, out of all days, may we remember our veteran community. In their often complex and individual stories,  they need our recognition and care, not just one day a year, but all year round. As a society, may we resolve to find compassionate and effective ways to do this.

Gracious and Eternal Father, God of all the ages, we are sorrowful at the conflict and destruction in our world. Often we fight and tear down, rather than build up and bless. We know that sometimes war is the lesser of two evils, and we give thanks for those willing to serve. We honour their memory, and remember both the living and the dead. Lord Jesus Christ, You show us the meaning of love, through Your life and teaching, and willingness to lay down your life for the sins of the world. Help us, as we cry to You, for healing of wounded and broken individuals, families and communities. May charities, churches and national institutions work together to bring a soothing salve of grace to all whose lives are troubled and full of pain. Holy Spirit teach us how to honour our veteran community, and to be channels of healing and peace. In Jesus mighty name, Amen..

6 years- tears still fall…

sacred memories

It is now 6 years since my husband died. He was a veteran, who was invalided out of the military because of his head injury, which resulted in poorly controlled epilepsy. He struggled with ptsd symptoms,  guilt and neurological decline. It was an arduous and painful journey.

I thought after 6 years, things would be better, and I would be more at peace. God has carried me through the darkest days, and there has been healing, and He has sustained me through a gracious and prayerful community round me.

However I think the sense of injustice around his injuries, and his suffering remain deep. Like so many veterans, his injuries and symptoms made it almost impossible to receive the support he needed, even if it had been available. Isolation, a complex woundedness, and harrowing memories all mitigated against healing. 

In the midst of it all, signs of Colin remained- a tremendous loyalty, a generous spirit, a dry sense of humour, a quest for justice. Life with Colin was never boring! But his emotional pain simultaneously caused enormous frustration, rage, resentment and rigorous self questioning, that left him in turmoil.

As I look back, I am thankful for all I learned, about epilepsy, disability, ptsd symptoms and moral injury. I heard so many of Colin’s stories of active service, I felt I had lived them too, and it helped me inderstand better.

But it motivates me to ask what can be done to better support those who are struggling in their own personal hell of traumatic memories and disabilities? How can we as a society be more aware, better informed, more compassionate. The very people who need the support the most, are often  the very last to come forward. For some, it is already too late…….

This is a pleas for all who are on the margins, who don’t fit the conventional definitions and or conform to institutional orthodox medical pathways. How can we see and build bridges for the hurting and maimed, the brutalised and despairing?

The bible verses that have most resonated with me recently have been from Isaiah 42:3 ‘ a bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not extinguish. In faithfulness, He will bring justice.’ Jesus Himself quoted from this prophesy in Matthew chapter 12: 20. For the battered and bruised, for those abused and badly treated, there is a recognition of woundedness and a tender love offered, which can be a step to healing, for those able to hear, a tentative possibility of hope.

I am deeply thankful for all who have so patiently and lovingly supported myself and my son in all in these years. Your listening ear, kindness and prayers have lifted us up and given us courage. But for those today, still wrestling with trauma, rage, disability, feelings of betrayal and profound sadness, may there always be people willing to go the extra mile to support and listen and love. God have mercy on us all.

Father God, You are the source of all love and goodness, You look upon this planet with a desire for our good. Yet we so often mess up, and hurt one another, and get it wrong. And there are so many casualties,  people who feel alienated and isolated, traumatised and disturbed, who desperately need healing and peace. Lord Jesus Christ, forgive us when we disparage and judge others, when we walk on the other side of the road, and ignore their cries. Bring healing to our society,  so we turn towards the hurting with a willingness to come alomgside one another, and to show mercy and understanding. Holy spirit be with those today who have lost hope, who are struggling, and those who walk with them. May there be a spark of light and connection, which can bring them back, or even make their journey more tolerable, just for a moment, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

A naked tree!

Vulnerability

At the turn of the year, there is often a time of reflection, mulling over the year passed, and considering the possibilities for the year ahead.

Christmas and the holidays, give us time to be honest about what is going on, and how we are feeling, and so it can feel like a bit of a vulnerable time. We recognise home truths we have tried to forget, and we can wrestle with things about ourselves that we don’t like.

I am fortunate to live opposite a park, and so I often gaze at these trees. They are full of life in spring, but in winter their branches are bare and they look exposed to the elements.

I have learned to do the Ignatian examen, not just for my days, but for months and years. I look back over the year with God, and ask that he reveal to me not just my struggles, but also things I can give thanks for. I am so grateful for this process, for by prayerfully reflecting, I notice where God has been at work, and this is more encouraging. It gives balance to my perspective, and reminds me more deeply of how God has blessed me, even if I didn’t see it at the time. I also notice things that God is inviting me to do differently in the future.

Whatever kind of year you have had, I pray you have some time to do some honest reflection. Sometimes it can be painful, yet there are also golden threads of God’s grace and encouragement which are so heartening, and can make us weep at the mercy of God.

I think of verse 18 in 1 Thessalonians 5 where it says ‘ be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus’.

I struggle sometimes to be thankful, I have so many questions as to why things are the way they are- abuse, bullying, conflict, violence seem all too prevalent in the world.

I also remember the words of Job 19, especially as they are sung in the Messiah  ‘ I know that my Redeemer liveth”. I can hear these powerful words sung as a statement of faith, even when the world is falling apart. And somehow, I sing them too……

Gracious and Loving God, it can be hard to be honest, even with You, as we look at the year past, our fears, our struggles, our failures and our pain. We feel vulnerable and exposed. Yet Lord Jesus You look upon us with love, and you remind us that all has not been in vain. You lift us up from the pit, and You gently teach us more of Your ways. Through the cross, You have brought  us forgiveness, and your spirit strengthens our souls. You offer us a place of safety to find healing, and then give us courage to keep walking, believing that somehow next year could be better. Thankyou for every evidence of your love and blessing in this world. Holy Spirit help us notice them, and to take heart. 🙏