Today is the 4th anniversary of Colin’s death. I relive old memories, poignant memories of suffering and sadness, mixed with moments of humour and even peace.
In many ways, the last four years feel like chrysalis years, a time of darkness and questioning and lamenting. God has granted me time in His presence, to tend my woundedness with His balm, to speak His words of love, to remind me of my identity in Him. By grace, I have lived a beautiful and rich interior life, but have also had to engage with outward reality too, which has often been deeply challenging.
I know that I cannot live in the chrysalis forever, for one day I need to emerge more fully. There are cracks emerging, and cold air is coming in, and it feels uncomfortable. In some ways, I want to emerge into being a more healed, congruent self, but a little while longer in the safety and familiarity of the chrysalis is tempting.
I love the vision of flying, of drying off my wings, and learning to soar. To do so, I need to get go of some of my burdens and sorrows, and to find new ways of thinking and being. This is such hard work. I rely on the Holy spirit to change me, so I don’t keep returning to a default position, especially when I am under pressure.
I remember the words of Paul in 2 Corinthians 5:17 ‘ if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation, the old has gone, the new has come.’
For all struggling to find a path through loss and bereavement, we don’t want to get stuck in our suffering and bleakness ( although at times, that feels like what is happening). There are many times, when it feels interminable, and that the pain is unending. Yet when we stop, and take stock, often something has shifted, or there had been a recognition of a negative pattern of thinking, or a new insight. A new way of being is coming, but it cannot be hurried, we have to wait patiently, but attentively before God, waiting for His healing. May we have patience, and a deeper trust as we wait.
Gracious God, in this Holy week, we thank you that You bring forgiveness out of a wooden cross, a morning of hope after a time of depair and mourning. At times, the darkness becomes so familiar, it seems comforting. Lord Jesus, you know when we are ready to start emerging from the shadows, into the warmth of your light, to explore the world beyond. May we be patient, until the healing process allows us to let go of the burdens and sorrows of the past, and to learn to fly, with beautiful coloured wings. Holy spirit, in your perfect timing, enable us to have the courage to explore our freedom and to learn to fly, Amen