Chicago- full circle of memory.

I have wanted to return to Chicago for years. When I was young, I was an exchange student at the Divinity school at the University of Chicago for a term. It was a bit of an overwhelming experience, but I learned so much about myself and the wider world. Teachers like Martin Marty were thought-provoking about the place of Christianity in society, and also pastoral to their students. The incredible variety of students, cultures and theologies challenged me and made me grow in my faith. I am forever grateful.

When I was first in Chicago, I had just had a major bereavement, and I felt a bit hollow. I think I didn’t really have the language then to describe the dull ongoing ache. I conformed during the day, but when I had time to be in touch with my emotions at night it was harder.

The verse that was my encouragement then was from psalm 139 ‘If I rise on the dawn, even if I settle on the far side of the sea, your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast’ verses 9 and 10. Even though I was on the far side of the sea, I knew God would watch over me in just the same way, holding me fast. And He was faithful, blessing me and nurturing and teaching me.

I learned from this experience and many others, that for me travelling challenges my suppositions, broadens my horizons and enlarges my understanding. Listening to different voices has made me be more understanding and compassionate. It reminds me that I am part of a global family, and puts the traditions and understandings of my culture into a bigger perspective. This is so humbling, and also refreshing. I am privileged to be able to travel, to learn and to connect and find joy! Coming back to Chicago has been grounding, as it feels as if I have come full circle. I am able to recognise more fully all I learned from this experience, and it also reminds me to encourage others to travel when the opportunity presents.

A windswept photo from all these years ago.

Through this visit, I have more insight as to how God has been working throughout my life, even when I didn’t understand it at the time, and have gained a more thankful heart. 🙏

Creator God, You are faithful to your people in every part of the globe. We thank you for the Christian family, expressing their love for You Lord Jesus in every continent and island, and for opportunities to learn from one another. Forgive us for times when your family fall out and quarrel, when there are divisions between us. May we realise more of what it means to be part of a world wide church. Even in our differences, may Your ministry of reconciliation prevail. Holy Spirit, may we be attentive listeners to You, and to one another, open to learning and to being more like Jesus, so others might know we are Christians by our love. In Your precious name, Amen.

Chicago- an aesthetic which inspires!

I have had the blessing of being in Down town Chicago over the weekend. I had been before, and thought I knew what I was coming to. When I was here before, it was many years ago in the autumn/ winter. What I found this time, however was extraordinary, an architectural inspiration that in the sunlight, brought delight round every corner.

I don’t have an architectural background. Despite this, I know the variety, abundance and scale of the buildings here are magnificent. There is every style imaginable, mainly well spaced, so you keep seeing them from different angles in every street. The newer contextual buildings are particularly individual and playful, and the engineering behind them, to make them stable in this windy city, is quite extraordinary.

Wandering the streets, and being on the river enabled me to appreciate many of these buildings. You want to know the time period, the architect and their vision, their purpose- to catch a glimpse of their achievement.

Doestoevsky once wrote ‘beauty will save the world’. I don’t know what he meant by that. As a Christian, I know that Jesus saved the world. Maybe part of what he was referring to, is that God gives us all a gift of creativity, to bless and inspire, and beauty can draw us out of ourselves, to just be in the moment and marvel. Beauty comes in different forms- in a song, a poem, a painting, in architecture. And when we are stopped in our tracks, and just look at something exquisite, just for that moment, some of our worries fade, and we feel as if we are experiencing a moment of transcendence, when we feel the presence of God. It is such a gift.

You might think this us a bit of an exaggeration! However I am trying to articulate why visiting here has been so moving. Chicago, like every city has many flaws and troubles. But on a gorgeous day, surrounded by such visual grandeur and variety, I found consolation which brought me peace.

‘God has made everything beautiful in its time’ Ecclesiastes 3; 11- it is wonderful to recognise beauty even in the most unexpected places, and to treasure it.

Creator God- You fashioned this world and all the stars in space, and called it good. As human beings, You give to us the gift of being creative- in song, word, art and theatre. Thankyou for all that reminds us of the richness and variety of our world, in texture and form and style. Lord Jesus, forgive us when we choose to destroy instead of create, to negate rather than to nurture. May we notice what is good and true and full of artistry, and give thanks. Holy Spirit, awaken us from our slumber to notice what is true and noble in our world, and to appreciate it and rejoice, Amen.

Trusting God again and again!

Sometimes it is hard to trust God. We know He is faithful, good and full of loving kindness. We know all the right verses- ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.’ Proverbs 3: 5-6.

Yet in the moment, when things go wrong and we are hurting, we can’t always see how God might be working. It can be hard to see anything, except to experience the pain and the sadness.

Yet God is so patient with me, and keeps inviting me to trust. Yesterday I had an airport connection to make, but the first plane was late leaving. By the time we landed, my next flight was already boarding. I was waiting to leave the first plane, but everything was so slow- the vehicle to take us to the terminal building seemed to go at 5 miles an hour. And my mind was spiraling- I’m not going to be able to run fast enough to get my connection, I will miss my flight, I will be stuck at the airport for days. I was just getting agitated thinking of all that was about to go wrong. I rushed out the bus to the next security barrier at full pelt.

My ticket set off an alarm, which took me to customer services. I tried to explain what had happened in an incoherent torrent of words. And the poor man behind the desk looked at me in a kindly way, and said ‘ we saw you’ on the system. We are putting you and your bags on a later flight. It is all fine. And sure enough, there was another flight a few hours later, they upgraded my seat, and all was well.

What a lesson in trust. Not just in an airline, but in God. When things don’t work out it is easy to catastrophise- to think that it is a disaster. But sometimes a situation can be salvaged. And we are completely dependent on a God who sees us, and makes provision for us. It doesn’t mean that things don’t go wrong- of course they do. But God sees, and call us not to use our energy to worry and speculate on things going wrong. Rather to just know we need to do our best, then relinguish control, and to trust. I need to learn this lesson three times a day!

Gracious God, as your children we worry and fret and question. We often don’t understand. Lord Jesus, in the midst of it all, You call us to take your hand, and to believe that you can save us in the midst of turbulence and storms. Help us to listen for your voice- to hear what your Holy Spirit has to say to us, and to be calm and to trust that all will be well. When under pressure, may we take a breath, submit to You, and know that in living or dying, all is well. So may we not fear or worry, and every day learn to trust You more, in the deepest places of our hearts, Amen

Spiritual spaghetti junctions!

When driving, sometimes you find yourself at a large intersection, which it can be hard to navigate. You have to be in the right lane at the right time, to get to the next set of options, just to find your route through. You have to be alert and orientated to find the right path to take you to your destination.

In life, we find ourselves facing many choices. Some seem small, like what to eat, what to wear, what kind of washing machine to buy. However every choice we make, says something about us, and affects how we live, and how we feel about ourselves.

Then we come to our soul choices, what to be listen to, what should we be doing, what is our purpose? What are our priorities in life? We seldom take time, just to ponder and reflect. Maybe over the summer, we need to take time to do this, to take time out, and to ask God what is our purpose in this new season?

Sometimes it seems as if we are in a spiritual spaghetti junction. There is so much in this world that we are not in control of. Yet there are some choices we can make- even just our daily habits. How do we adopt healthy rhythms in life- food, exercise and rest? And what about spiritual practices- time to reflect on our formation- who are we becoming- are we more like Jesus or less, do we regularly connect with Him in prayer, bible reading and praise, and is the way we do this good for our souls? We pray that God will help us find the best choices for us at any stage of our lives.

Maybe just now we are struggling with a destructive habit or negative attitude. Especially when we are tired, we can revert to old ways of thinking which bring the temptation of cynicism or resentment. They can lead us to spiral to a dark place.

In the midst of our struggles, God sees us. In psalm 40 it says that when we are at the bottom of the pit, He lifts us up, and gives us a firm place to stand, to a Rock which gives us stability and refuge. He guides our path, even in the midst of the myriad of choices possible, leading us to safety.

May we always remember to say ‘ Come Holy Spirit’ for the Spirit is our guide in the most complex and confusing of places. Even when we are perplexed and bewildered, the Holy Spirit speaks to us- through the bible, through the words of a song, though a friend. And then the road ahead becomes clearer, our purpose comes more sharply into focus, and we are able to go forward.

Father God, this world is such a busy place with so many possible routes- some which takes us from You, and others that lead us to You. Lord Jesus- reveal to us more of Your will for our lives. In the midst of our choices, both big and small, Holy Spirit protect us from what is wrong, and strengthen us to follow Your ways. Help us take time to discern what is nurturing, constructive and pleasing to You, so we can grow in our faith, and be Your ambassadors in this world. Help us not to be overwhelmed, and to know Your leading. Give us courage to follow we pray, in Jesus’ name, Amen

Monsters under the bed!

When we are small, our imaginations can run riot, and as a child in the night, even the slightest of noises can sound alarming. At times we think there could be monsters under the bed, and we get scared. A tiny creak can make us suspect that something horrible is going on.

As a child, I remember watching episodes of Dr Who from behind the settee. It was not so much the daleks I feared, but the sea devils and the spiders from Metebilis 3. It was terrifying that they might escape from the television.

As an adult, I now know these things are unlikely to happen, but fear is still something we all have to wrestle with. As we get older, the nature of our fears might change, fears about family members, about health, about the future. That sensation of feeling sick, and that gnawing ache are all too familiar.

Whatever worry or fear we are wrestling with, the Christian faith can make all the difference. Sometimes it is hard to believe in a good and compassionate God, when there is so much heartache and suffering in the world. Yet maybe that is precisely the time to believe. There must be something better somewhere than the pain and misery of humans at war.

In Isaiah 41 verse 10 it says ‘ Do not fear, for I am with you. Do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you. I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.’

God calls us to trust, even in the darkest night, and to know that when He is with us, there is nothing to fear. In Christ, we are kept safe in this world and the next, and so all is well. Even when we are most anxious, or feeling overwhelmed, God holds us by the hand, and leads us forward. And that is enough.

Gracious God, You saw the suffering of your Son Jesus Christ as He experienced the injustice and violence of the world, so You understand our fear and worry. Thankyou, that even in the most dire of situations, You come alongside us, and You transform our terror by Your Words of encouragement, and Your reassuring presence. Your Holy spirit brings us that Word in season, that restores our perspective and helps us find the peace we long for. Thankyou for Your abundant blessings, and Your promise never to leave us, and the comfort this brings at each stage of our lives, Amen.

Glory!

I was one of the fortunate ones, looking in the right direction at the right time, and saw the northern mights at the weekend, a kaleidoscopic dance of lights that was so remarkable. It was ethereal, ever changing, and just spoke of the glory of God. Such incandescent beauty!

I love that even when we are at the end of ourselves, when things seem heavy and dark, suddenly light can break through. Even when the world is in such chaos, with conflict and suffering and sorrow, somewhere there is still the possibility of hope. It is such a dramatic and profound truth, that can transform all things.

I think of a verse from Micah chapter 7 verse 7 ‘ As for me, I watch in hope for the Lord. I wait for God my Saviour, my God will hear me.’ I love the idea that the presence of God brings hope. Sometimes we wait a long time, but things can change for the better.

We need hope so badly. I hope every day for peace in the world, an end to arms dealing and exploitation and cruelty and torture. I pray for God to pour out His blessing, His healing and grace and mercy. I hope for a more faithful and prayerful church, with people of authentic faith, more purposeful living, humility and compassion. We all need to ask forgiveness for our part in all that is wrong in the world, and to hope and pray for God’s will to be done, for His love to be received by all.

May it start with us. May we let go of prejudice and self centredness and jealousies, of self doubt and insecurity, so that we might embody the love and grace and hope central to the Christian message. May we be open to the promptings of the Holy Spirit, so that the radiance of Christ might blaze once more in this world, causing us to fall on our knees and worship. May our eyes be open to notice the glory of God around us, that we might be full of reverent praise.

Creator God, you have fashioned such sublime rhythms of colour and brilliance in this world, from the wings of a kingfisher, to the wonders of the night’s sky. We are full of awe at Your majesty. Lord Jesus, You are the light of the world, and Your light can illuminate and transform the darkest places, where we are tempted to think that there is only despair and heartbreak. Holy spirit open our eyes to the radiant presence of God around us, and the possibilities of hope. May we, along with the angels, lift our voices to sing of your glory, with thanksgiving and with awe, in Jesus’ name, Amen

My laptop’s memory is full!

I have had some technical difficulties in recent weeks. I dropped my laptop on the floor, and the hinge is damaged. And I have received lots of warning notices, that the memory is full, and so now none of the updates are happening, and it is refusing to save my documents.

After consultation, I have had to buy a new laptop. To fix the hinge was going to be expensive, and I had had the laptop for many years. I couldn’t work out why the memory was so full- I defragmented it often, and i thought i was taking care of it. On investigation, it turned out it was photos from my old windows phones that were taking up all the space. I need to go through them, and let go some of these photos.

The whole exercise has left me with questions about the past and present and future, and how they all relate. Photos can remind us of past events and people and so are to be cherished. They capture moments in time, that are so precious. Yet they can also remind us of darker times and experiences. What do we keep? We keep the amazing photos, with happy associations. But the others- do we keep them because they remind us of the truth, or let them go because they are too painful?

In Psalm 90 verse 12, the psalmist says ‘Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom’. Our lives are fleeting, we want to live life to the full. How do we gain wisdom? Our past is something we learn from, and this learning can guide our steps in the future. Yet if we dwell on it too much, it can also imprison us and pull us down. How do we find a balance, so we can remember and learn, but in such a way that the past doesn’t determine our future.

My first practical step is to go through my photos, and edit that number down considerably! But I also need to prayerfully ask God to help me give thanks for all my memories, and to ask for healing for the darker recollections. I want to learn, then to let go, to make space for new experiences and direction. May we not get stuck, but find the freedom we seek now and in the future.

Gracious God, You want to bring us to a spacious place of light, but we so easily clog things up with memories that unsettle and disturb. Lord Jesus, You love us, and you know every detail of our lives, every event, every person met. Please help us to give thanks for all that is edifying, and to prayerfully reflect on, and release to you difficult moments and experiences from the past. Through the power of your holy spirit, cleanse and heal. Lift the heaviness from us, teach us to forgive and be forgiven, so we can dance once more in freedom and in joy. Show us what to do, and how to live well in the present, and to build for the future, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

Mandisa- an appreciation.

The death of Mandisa, age 47, just last week, is so tragic. She was such an inspirational and beautiful Christian woman. She was known for being on American Idol, for her Grammy award winning music, and her courage in singing about her faith with such honesty and courage.

I discovered her music during lockdown, and there was a song for every occasion. Her song ‘Overcomer’ is so powerful, that even in the worst times, there can be hope, and to keep fighting. In the darkest days, remembering that in Christ we can be overcomers, helps us keep going.

Another song that really spoke to me was ‘We all bleed the same’. It is a fantastic song pleading against injustice and hatred, and reminding us that whatever our divisions, we all hurt in the same way, and calling us to fight for love. It is worth the whole world listening to this every day!

And then there is ‘ What scars are for’- reminding us that even our scars can be used by God, and our stories can bring healing. Mandisa was honest about her struggles and her vulnerability, and this encouraged so many.

These are just a few of her songs- others such as Just cry, Comeback Kid, Keep Getting up, speak to our souls, helping us to get up out of despair and heartbreak, and to find strength in our faith. Mandisa inspired so many with her strength and perseverance and hope, expressed through her musicality, incredible voice and relatable lyrics. We are so grateful for her life, passion and faith! May she rest in peace.

Gracious God, we are so thankful for all creative people, artists, singers and writers for they way they enrich and bless our lives. You inspire them though Your Holy Spirit, to encourage and strengthen your people. Lord Jesus bless all whose lives so reflect Your light and love, and help us to give thanks and pray for all whom have been called to these important ministries. May we honour their lives, and watch out for one another in sincere and supportive ways. Hear our prayers, Amen.

6 years- tears still fall…

It is now 6 years since my husband died. He was a veteran, who was invalided out of the military because of his head injury, which resulted in poorly controlled epilepsy. He struggled with ptsd symptoms, guilt and neurological decline. It was an arduous and painful journey.

I thought after 6 years, things would be better, and I would be more at peace. God has carried me through the darkest days, and there has been healing, and He has sustained me through a gracious and prayerful community round me.

However I think the sense of injustice around his injuries, and his suffering remain deep. Like so many veterans, his injuries and symptoms made it almost impossible to receive the support he needed, even if it had been available. Isolation, a complex woundedness, and harrowing memories all mitigated against healing.

In the midst of it all, signs of Colin remained- a tremendous loyalty, a generous spirit, a dry sense of humour, a quest for justice. Life with Colin was never boring! But his emotional pain simultaneously caused enormous frustration, rage, resentment and rigorous self questioning, that left him in turmoil.

As I look back, I am thankful for all I learned, about epilepsy, disability, ptsd symptoms and moral injury. I heard so many of Colin’s stories of active service, I felt I had lived them too, and it helped me inderstand better.

But it motivates me to ask what can be done to better support those who are struggling in their own personal hell of traumatic memories and disabilities? How can we as a society be more aware, better informed, more compassionate. The very people who need the support the most, are often the very last to come forward. For some, it is already too late…….

This is a pleas for all who are on the margins, who don’t fit the conventional definitions and or conform to institutional orthodox medical pathways. How can we see and build bridges for the hurting and maimed, the brutalised and despairing?

The bible verses that have most resonated with me recently have been from Isaiah 42:3 ‘ a bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not extinguish. In faithfulness, He will bring justice.’ Jesus Himself quoted from this prophesy in Matthew chapter 12: 20. For the battered and bruised, for those abused and badly treated, there is a recognition of woundedness and a tender love offered, which can be a step to healing, for those able to hear, a tentative possibility of hope.

I am deeply thankful for all who have so patiently and lovingly supported myself and my son in all in these years. Your listening ear, kindness and prayers have lifted us up and given us courage. But for those today, still wrestling with trauma, rage, disability, feelings of betrayal and profound sadness, may there always be people willing to go the extra mile to support and listen and love. God have mercy on us all.

Father God, You are the source of all love and goodness, You look upon this planet with a desire for our good. Yet we so often mess up, and hurt one another, and get it wrong. And there are so many casualties, people who feel alienated and isolated, traumatised and disturbed, who desperately need healing and peace. Lord Jesus Christ, forgive us when we disparage and judge others, when we walk on the other side of the road, and ignore their cries. Bring healing to our society, so we turn towards the hurting with a willingness to come alomgside one another, and to show mercy and understanding. Holy spirit be with those today who have lost hope, who are struggling, and those who walk with them. May there be a spark of light and connection, which can bring them back, or even make their journey more tolerable, just for a moment, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

‘Spots of time’

Last week, I managed to escape to the Lake District, to Dove Cottage in Grasmere. It was the home to William Wordsworth and his sister Dorothy from 1799, and then later to the wider family. It is in the most besutiful setting, near the lake, and nestled amongst the most beautiful and fantastically shaped hills and crags. It is such a memorable and peaceful setting, and well worth a visit.

I studied some of Wordsworth’s poetry at university, Lyrical Ballads, a collection of poems published with Samuel Coleridge in 1798, and then some of his other poems, especially the Prelude. Wordsworth defined poetry as ‘ a spontaneous overflow of powerful feeling. It takes its origin from emotion recollected in tranquility’. So much of his poetry was about finding joy and meaning in ordinary rural scenes, the inspiration of nature, and the power of the imagination.

In the midst of all this, he also spoke of ‘spots of time’ and of how childhood memories can have a lasting influence our formation, transcendent moments that often carry joy and meaning. The idea is a glorious one, of significant moments that speak to us of the eternal.

For me this visit to Dove Cottage, and to sit at Wordsworth’s desk, to remind me of his poetry, was so meaningful, because it connected me with my student days, and also a family visit made there 20 years ago. These were good memories, that brought solace.

It is so good to reconnect with the past at times, and to join with Paul in ‘ giving thanks in all circumstances’ 1 Thessalonians 5:18. There is so much to be thankful for, and in the lyrical setting of Grasmere, a deep awareness of the presence and power of God are almost tangible. I give thanks for all poets and writers, musicians and playrights, who inspire us and challenge us to appreciate the gift of our surroundings, of memory, the imagination and of beauty.

Eternal God, You endow us with the gift of life, which is so precious, with the joy of family and friends, of nature and connection. We thankyou for time to slow down, to read and to contemplete and to reflect. Lord Jesus, we praise You for inspirational writers and creative people who inspire us to notice all that is significant, even in little things, and to see Your hand at work in our world. Holy spirit, you often bless us with ‘ spots of time’, moments of extraordinary realisation and even communion with You. May we be ever attentive to the loveliness and joy possible to discern in our world, Amen.