Courage to speak!

I am deeply thankful for my life. That doesn’t mean that everything has gone smoothly, or I don’t have any questions. Life has often been painful, confusing, and dark. But in the midst of the obscurity and shadows, God has lifted me up, brought me forgiveness, has helped me endure, healed me and given me hope. In many ways, I have learned what is important though these experiences.

For me after my husband’s death, I was asking God to help me make any sense of it all, and He helped me tell his story as a veteran who had intractable epilepsy and trauma. He enabled me to write ‘ Love song for a wounded warrior’ and to tell something of his story, so he wouldn’t be forgotten. It was such a big step, to speak into the silence, to place letters on a pristine white page, and then to wait….

Then, later on, I wanted to share something of my story of healing and on going recovery. I found my anchor in H Nouwen’s ‘The wounded healer’ and wanted to share different ways that Christ’s healing love helped to heal my wounds of grief and loss with the salve of Gilead, to help me work through trauma, and to reconstruct my identity after being a carer for so many years. And so I wrote a second book ‘ Love songs for healing and hope’ . It is composed of a collection of these blogs, some beautiful insights from friends, and some pastoral resources.

I am so grateful to share this book ‘ Love songs for healing and hope’. It costs £15, and all proceeds are split between two amazing charities Richmond Hope and Quiet Waters. I would like to raise more money for these charities. So far, £1400 has been raised, and I am so grateful. If you would like to order a copy, please contact woundedwarriorfg@gmail.com Please also share this information!

My experiences have reminded me how important it is that everyone gets an opportunity to tell their story. It has made me a more attentive listener. It has helped me see things differently, and to marvel at the gift of life, and to cherish it. My thanksgiving enables me to be more purposeful and more appreciative. I have so much still to learn, and I want to thank you for sharing my journey, and to take this opportunity to thank you for your prayers and support. May we continue to support, love and pray for one another, as we seek to heal.

Creator God, You spoke, and everything came into being, the moon and the stars, the vastness of galaxies, made out of a swirl of tiny atoms. Lord Jesus, You are the Word of God made flesh, and we see the powerful way You communicated the very essence and goodness of God. Thankyou that You give humanity the gift of communication, to reveal, to comfort, to challenge, to inspire. Holy spirit give us all courage to speak, and the wisdom to know when we should be silent. Help us to use words well, to bless others, and to share Your magnificent and healing love with all. Amen.

Flooded by love!

This month has been so wet and dark. The rain never ceases for more than a few minutes, and there is flooding everywhere, puddles are deep, roads are blocked, some houses are underwater. It feels a little dismal. Scotland is so wet!

I try to turn this around in my mind, by imagining that this is floods of love. That seems to be what the world needs so badly. We are so damaged, people hurting and under strain, systems under pressure, economic injustice, climate change,conflict and heartbreak. There is so much wrong.

So the world needs love, and not any love, but the strong, vibrant and beautiful love of God. God longs to see people set free, sins forgiven, for the world healed. But His love can only flow through people who accept it, who say yes, who will surrender to the light and goodness of Christ. If we live for ourselves alone, we block the purposes of God, and the brokenness gets deeper, and the pain more palpable.

I remember the words of the old hymn ‘there’s a wideness in God’ s mercy, like the wideness of the sea, there’s a kindness in his justice, which is more than liberty.’

There is an image here of water, of the waters of the sea, but that God’s mercy is somehow greater. As human beings we have messed up our world, our enviroment, our society, our relationships. We are so shortsighted and selfish. Yet in Christ, God looks at us with compassion, and longs to gather us back, cleansed, forgiven and restored.

May the floods of God’s love cascade through this world, cleansing, restoring, replenishing us. May the prodigals come home into the welcoming embrace of the Father. May the love of Christ melt even the hardest of hearts. May the holy spirit reveal the light and perfection of God, so all may delight to worship and surrender to God. This world needs God so badly, and He offers His love so freely. May we have the courage to respond.

Creator God, you created this world and her people to live in harmony, but we spoiled this by following our own will, rather than looking to You. We have caused so much damage and hurt. Please forgive us, because of the love of Christ, and have mercy upon us. Flood our souls with your love, sweep away the debris, heal and revitalise us, and by your spirit, may your love heal our lives, our families and our communities. We plead with you this day, help us to he open to your love, your will and ways, Amen.

God’s heart…….

This is such a reflective time of year- a time to think about what really matters, about what is important. We often have new year resolutions and ideas of how to change our habits, and these things themselves can be good.

For me, I have been asking God to show me what I need most of all at this time, and he has reminded me that I need to know, trust and feel that God’s heart for the world is full of love.

I can know that God’s heart is full of love and goodness as I read different bible passages. In Romans chapter 5, I am reminded that God shows His love for us through the death of Jesus His Son. For some one to give their life for my sake is extraordinary, never mind the Son of God. Because of his death, and the cleansing and forgiveness He brings, I can ask God to cleanse my heart and restore a steadfast spirit within me. I know that God’s love is powerful, merciful and open to forgive.

I also trust in God’s promises and His love. This is more tricky, because life is tough- we go through disappointment, illness, trauma and bereavement. I have to choose to keep trusting, even when I feel forgotten or life doesn’t make any sense. The verses from Proverbs 4 resonate: ‘ ‘Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life’. The temptation is to become bitter or to quietly give up. God calls us to look to Him, and see that His love is unchanging, slow to become angry and full of mercy. This steady self giving love heals our brokenness, and rekindles our trust.

I need to feel God’s love too. I know that feelings can come and go, and not to rely on them entirely. But I am probably my best self, when I live close to the Father’s heart. God’s heart of love melts my heart of stone, and makes it tender. His Holy spirit ministers to me, helps me forgive, gives me strength to start again, and inspires me.

I love worship songs sbout God’s heart. Remember the old Graham Kendrick song ‘ Teach me to dance to the beat of your heart,’ or Zach Williams’ There’s only love in the heart of the God’ or Tell your heart to beat again’ by Danny Gokely. Sometimes music speaks to our souls in a profound way.

For all of us, if our heart can beat to the heartbeat of God, everything else will flow from this. What more can we ask.

Gracious God, we are so delighted that you reveal the Father’s heart though Your Son Jesus Christ. In Him, we see your goodness and grace, your wisdom and beauty, and we bow down with humility and wonder. We know our hearts are so easily polluted with envy and greed, with pride and selfishness. Please cleanse us by your spirit, and bring renewal so we might have pure hearts, and be able to see Your hand at work once more in this world. May we not become weighed down by cynicism or negativity, but be open and receptive to see that You are doing a new thing. May we know Your love, may we trust You, may we receive your love and mercy very personally in our lives. Heal us, bring renewal, and then may the Father’s heart of love radiate through our lives, and touch all those we meet, for his is His will, Amen.

A naked tree!

At the turn of the year, there is often a time of reflection, mulling over the year passed, and considering the possibilities for the year ahead.

Christmas and the holidays, give us time to be honest about what is going on, and how we are feeling, and so it can feel like a bit of a vulnerable time. We recognise home truths we have tried to forget, and we can wrestle with things about ourselves that we don’t like.

I am fortunate to live opposite a park, and so I often gaze at these trees. They are full of life in spring, but in winter their branches are bare and they look exposed to the elements.

I have learned to do the Ignatian examen, not just for my days, but for months and years. I look back over the year with God, and ask that he reveal to me not just my struggles, but also things I can give thanks for. I am so grateful for this process, for by prayerfully reflecting, I notice where God has been at work, and this is more encouraging. It gives balance to my perspective, and reminds me more deeply of how God has blessed me, even if I didn’t see it at the time. I also notice things that God is inviting me to do differently in the future.

Whatever kind of year you have had, I pray you have some time to do some honest reflection. Sometimes it can be painful, yet there are also golden threads of God’s grace and encouragement which are so heartening, and can make us weep at the mercy of God.

I think of verse 18 in 1 Thessalonians 5 where it says ‘ be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus’.

I struggle sometimes to be thankful, I have so many questions as to why things are the way they are- abuse, bullying, conflict, violence seem all too prevalent in the world.

I also remember the words of Job 19, especially as they are sung in the Messiah ‘ I know that my Redeemer liveth”. I can hear these powerful words sung as a statement of faith, even when the world is falling apart. And somehow, I sing them too……

Gracious and Loving God, it can be hard to be honest, even with You, as we look at the year past, our fears, our struggles, our failures and our pain. We feel vulnerable and exposed. Yet Lord Jesus You look upon us with love, and you remind us that all has not been in vain. You lift us up from the pit, and You gently teach us more of Your ways. Through the cross, You have brought us forgiveness, and your spirit strengthens our souls. You offer us a place of safety to find healing, and then give us courage to keep walking, believing that somehow next year could be better. Thankyou for every evidence of your love and blessing in this world. Holy Spirit help us notice them, and to take heart. 🙏

Possibilities of peace…

I wonder how your Christmas 2022 is looking. It has been another topsy-turvy year, with so many changes in every aspect of life, whether the war in the Ukraine, or the rise in prices, economic pain and strikes. Financial pressures cause family strain too, and we seem to be adapting all the time. It can be overwhelming.

We put ourselves under pressure too, hoping for everything to go well over Christmas. We want the food to be good, presents to be right for that individual, for everyone to get on. But with the best will in the world, it just isn’t always like that.

Sometimes in the midst of it all, we just need to draw breath. We cannot make everything ok, but we can find peace in the Christmas message. That first Christmas was far from ideal, a long journey, no where to stay, giving birth amongst the animals. But all these things were nothing in comparison with the long awaited Messiah, the Son of God being born. Imagine hearing his first cry in the night, and knowing he was finally here. What a miracle, what joy and peace.

So in the midst of our stresses and busyness, may we take a moment to breath, and to ask God to fill us with His peace, the deep peace that comes from.the Prince of Peace, and then we know that all will be well.

Gracious Father, You sent Your precious Son into this world, to rescue us from sin and darkness, to bring us into your wonderful kingdom of light and love.

We are often restless and stressed, trying to do too much over Christmas. Forgive us. May we let go of what is unimportant, and to focus on the good and the inspirational. Even though the empty chair brings much sadness, may we find courage. Help us pause, and to find peace.

Holy child, Jesus Christ, king of Kings, may your birth bring us a deep peace that can come only from the Prince of peace, the deep peace of the running wave and the flowing air, of the quiet earth and the shining stars. May the peace of the Christ child be in your hearts and homes this Christmas and always, Amen.

Running on empty!

With the recent rises in fuel costs, I got into the habit of putting less fuel in my car! Now I know that is not logical. Half filling the tank each time looked as if I wasn’t paying so much, but obviously just meant I had less fuel to get anywhere. And this meant that little warning light above keeps coming on- get to a garage, as you have very little fuel left.

This started me musing in other areas, for it feels as if for many of us, we are spiritually running on empty. In the time leading up to Christmas, we seem to be trying to do too much, without enough resources. It is like we are trying to make up for the last two Christmases, when the restrictions of the pandemic kept us isolated. And so now we have works nights out, trying to catch up with friends, travelling to see family. We have nativity services, community lunches, charity concerts, plus Christmas cards and trees and food preparation. And this is against a background of food and fuel prices dramatically increasing, and a whole series of strikes. And temperatures of minus 7!

The strains on our society are immense just now, in terms of health and social care, in education and transport. The degree of misery and despair for some is immense, people not able to afford food or heat, in debt, struggling to find appropriate care for chronic health conditions, dealing with complex losses and bereavements.

So how can we spiritually refuel, and find any hope? Well I think the story of the first Christmas helps. Jesus was born to Mary, and to Joseph far from home, round the back of an inn amongst the animals. Things were difficult and messy that first Christmas. Yet in the midst of this, they were thankful for what they had, they trusted God, and they recognised the wonder of Jesus, the Son of God being born into the world. And the wonder of it filled their souls with joy and reverence and peace.

Maybe we need to slow down a little in Advent, and to do a bit less. It doesn’t have to be perfect. And if things go wrong, and relationships are strained, and finances are tight, simplifying things is ok. The best moments in life can be quiet moments, unexpected connections, glittery spiders webs, laughter with friends. It is being grateful for what we have, and taking time to be in the moment. It is only when we take time, then we are replenished and more able to then support others.

‘The Word became flesh and dwelt among us’ John 1:14. This means that God understands our struggles, grief and isolation. Jesus came into this world, to remind us of the enormity of God’s love for us, so we can receive that love and live in it. And the more time we spend in worship and contemplation, the more we are spiritually replenished and renewed. So may we take time to breathe, to enjoy sparkly lights, to listen to Christmas carols, to go to church, to notice and walk in the beauty of Creation. May we let God refuel our souls, so weariness might be replaced by peace, and emptiness by love, despair by hope.

Eternal Father, you sent Your precious Son Jesus Christ into this world, our Wonderful Counsellor and Prince of Peace, to bring joy to the world. At times our heads are down and our hearts are heavy, burdened by the grief and pain of our society. Even in our lowest moments, especially in these lowest moments, come along side us, and speak to us of your love and grace and truth. Babe of Bethlehem, Child in a manger, remind us that you are our Emmanuel, and that we are never alone. May we choose to make space to find spiritual refueling, and then to find strength to live each day. Holy spirit, breath new life into us, help us to have moments to rest, to give thanks, and to self care, for You love us with an everlasting love. Bless us with your peace. Amen.

Lighting a candle, who knew it could be so hard!

I am so enjoying lighting candles in this season of Advent. Candles speak to me of light and hope and life. They are so calming!

So I went to light a candle this morning, and I had run out of matches. That seems like a small thing, but the thing was it had enormous emotional overtones too. For about 30 years ago, my late husband Colin bought a batch of boxes of matches. In his usual exuberant way, he bought 30 boxes at a time. And we have been using these boxes of Cook’s matches over all this time. But today, when I went to look, the last one has gone, and I can’t find any more. It is another link with him that is gone.

December is such a poignant month. So many symbols of hope and love, families coming together, concerts and nativity plays, and the reverence and joy of Christmas services, and the celebration of the birth of our Lord.

Yet at the same time, you miss the people who aren’t there, you think of old memories, you feel an ache of what is missing. The shadow side of it all, that is often unspoken.

I am going to have to go out and buy new matches. I might shed a few tears, for life seems to be moving on, and I have no choice but to go with it. A little thing in the universal scheme of things, but such incidents affect so many bereaved people. And so we listen to each other’s stories, and weep together, even in the unlikeliest of places.

Gracious God, You are our Creator, and You have made this universe and planet to be good and beautiful. Yet there is a season for all things, and along with enjoying what is lovely, we are saddened by death and loss. Lord Jesus, be our light and shine in the darkness. Little things can have such resonance. We feel the pain, but know that life cannot stand still. Hope spirit, breath new life and energy into us, comfort us, and give us courage to move on, for Jesus sake, Amen.

There is still light in the sky….

I was driving a few weeks ago, and it got suddenly very dark. I was on narrow country roads, and then there was a diversion. The rain was heavy, the roads were flooded, and even with the high speed movement of the windscreen wipers, it was difficult to see. It was a very disorientating evening, and I wondered if I would ever arrive.

The thing that helped, was that there was still a little light in the sky. It was just a narrow band but it made all the difference. It orientated me in the midst of the twists and turns, and helped me keep my bearings.

Life seems so difficult these days, so much harshness in our society, health worries and concerns about how to keep a roof over our heads. Sometimes it can seem very dark.

I love the season of Advent, and the lighting of that first candle, however fragile and flickering. It just seems like a statement that there is still light and hope and love in the world. Even if we feel we are sitting in darkness just now, somewhere the light still shines. Whether we are wrestling with low mood, anxiety or sadness, God’s love is still our Guide.

In John chapter I verse 5 it says; the Light shines in the darkness, and the darkness could not put it out’ Whatever we might be struggling with today, there is always hope, and possibilities of forgiveness and new beginnings. May we find courage to believe.

Gracious God, sometimes the world seems so dark, with conflict and ugliness and greed. It is easy to lose hope, and to despair of things getting better. Lord Jesus, thankyou for the Advent message of Your coming into the world as a vulnerable baby, revealing the very nature of God, and your promise to one day come back. Holy spirit, reveal to us more of the light, and may that light diminish our darkness, and help us find our path. Thankyou that there is always some light in the sky, in Jesus name, Amen.

Memories, painful, therapeutic or both?

Memory is such a powerful but mysterious part of our minds and our souls. We all remember in different ways, sometimes we are good at remembering numbers, or names, or faces. Sometimes our memories are coloured by subsequent happenings, and so are hard to work out. Memories can be strong or fuzzy, or different for different types of experiences. So much is inexplicable.

This season of Remembrance is vitally important. The principle of remembering those who gave their lives in the service of their country, along with those who returned, and thinking of their families is part of being a compassionate society. When people have sacrificed so much for the sake of others, they should be honoured and remembered.

The nature of the remembering is more tricky. Everyone has their own individual experiences and perceptions, so the overall experience can be varied. It can be hard to have balance- one veteran remembers with great thanksgiving the life of a fallen comrade, whilst another is lost in the traumatic memory of a grenade exploding. Remembering is poignant.

Sometimes we want to try and forget, to repress difficult memories, but then the danger is that they bubble back to the surface after doing much damage. So we need to remember, even tough recollections, so we can process them, and become more healthy. There are many therapeutic ways of doing this, if you find the right person to be supportive. All too many veterans come back with ptsd, and need specialised support and don’t always have access to this, causing damage to self and to others.

I think of Jesus at the last supper, saying about eating the bread, and drinking the wine ‘ do this in memory of me’. He wanted his friends to know that he was willing to lay down his life out of love, snd to keep this love central in the life of the community, by continuing to celebrate this sacrament. Remembering had a sad dimension, but also had an aspect of hope.

This Remembrance Sunday, I pray that no one is struggling with dark and traumatic memories of conflict and war alone. I pray that everyone would have a safe person to be supportive, and when relevant, to signpost them to effective help. In a day of powerful emotions, may there even yet, be a sense of love, and the possibility of hope.

Creator God, You created human beings to be so amazing, and to be so beautiful, yet we can also be so conflicted and damaged. Lord Jesus, thankyou that You suffered on the cross, and that You understand our struggles and traumatic and painful memories. May the light and love of Christ dissipate the power of experiences of darkness and violence. Bring healing to all who suffer the vicissitudes of war, so that each one can find peace and meaning. May your holy spirit heal our memories, so we are free to breathe and live once more, in Jesus name, Amen.

Fireworks and a broken ankle!

It is the season of Fireworks here in the UK. Guy Fawkes day and the 5th November are here. People often go to events where fireworks are let off, and make gorgeous colourful patterns of light in the sky. They can be spectacular!

However the other side of this, is that the noises and loud bangs can cause many problems. We know that for many dogs and cats, they are nervous or frightened, and they need a lot of soothing to get through it. There are music channels for pets, and sometimes they need medication.

For some humans too, firework season can be a nightmare, especially for veterans. My late husband Colin was a veteran, and the loud bangs and noises from fireworks could make him think he was under attack. One time, many years after his active service, he went to put the bin out, and the noise of a firework made him hit the ground fast, and he broke his ankle as a result. We sometimes forget that our traumatised veterans can be adversely affected by the sound of fireworks.

It is good to pray for all who are nervous or who have suffered trauma, in the days round about Guy Fawkes and around Remembrance. There are so many triggers, and difficult memories. We pray for safe places for people to talk, for effective therapies and understanding communities, especially for those who are distressed or have experienced trauma.

The verse from psalm 9 verse 9 seems appropriate: ‘The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, and a stronghold in times of trouble.’

Gracious Lord, You see all those who are struggling this day, pets who are worried and anxious because of the noises, veterans startled and hypervigilant because of the sounds of fireworks. Lord Jesus, may people choose to use silent fireworks, so that others are not harmed by the noise. And may You protect people and be their Stronghold, especially veterans in this season, and may the balm of Gilead bring them healing and peace. May pet owners make special provision for their pets also. May your holy spirit be at work in ways beyond our imagining, to protect the vulnerable, and to comfort those who are troubled, In Jesus name, Amen