Anniversaries- empty rooms and heart!

Bereavement is not just about emotions, although that is core. You go through a relentless rollercoaster, coping with shock, sadness, anger, thanksgiving, questioning, remembering, reflecting, and then doing them all again. But there are also practical things to do, such as clearing a house, which is such an enormous task.

Today is a first anniversary, and it feels so heavy. A mixture of memories and practical things to do. And I have been working on finishing clearing the house, which has been a privilege. I have found childhood toys I had long forgotten about- triggering so many memories. And there have been old photos, letters, things of sentimental value buried at the back of drawers. You feel a bit like a detective!

Seeing rooms gradually emptying is a painful necessity. You forget how physically demanding it is, and resting, regrouping and asking a friend to help can be key. You know the work needs to be done, but emptying the room is like losing the person all over again. I always take lots of photos before I start, so I remember. Letting go of personal effects, of clothes, of furniture is excruciating, as there are so many memories attached to each one. I have taken some items back to my house, but I try not to take too many- there are too many boxes in the hall already!

I guess in life, we need to let go, to make space not just for the future but to live in the present. Clothes and furniture can bless others, houses need to be lived in by new families making new memories, and that is a comfort. Life goes on.

In Ecclesiastes chapter 3 it says that – ‘There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the sun’. Later in Ecclesiastes 3 it also says that God has made everything beautiful in its time. The secret I think is to trust him, to lament in our sorrow, and then in time to embrace what is new. May God give us grace to honour past memories and relationships, and as we cherish them, also to find courage to find our new path.

Eternal God, it is hard to say goodbye, as we let go of possessions and places of which we have special memories. They embody people we have loved, and their loss accentuates the pain. Yet Lord Jesus, we cannot keep the world the same. You call us to come and follow, at times to shake the dust from our feet, and prepare for new adventures. May we treasure every moment, for life is fleeting. Holy Spirit, remind us that every day is a privilege, every moment can be beautiful, an opportunity to live, love and to bless. May we find courage to go forward even when our hearts are still heavy, in Jesus name Amen.

Carried by prayer!

Recent weeks have been tough. I have had to change direction in my life, and although I know it was the right thing to do, I am grieving over the people I miss, and the calling I love. It is a desert time.

Yet in the midst of my sadness and loss, I have been so encouraged by the people who have been thoughtful and prayerful. I am so grateful for people’s understanding and compassion. I am so tempted to judge myself, that I appreciate when others don’t make my burden heavier by their critical spirit. Every prayerful, gracious response has strengthened me.

It reminds us as a community to be kind to each other. When some one is struggling, then taking time to pray can just make such a difference. Even in my sorrow and questioning, I feel carried by prayer. Sometimes the right person has turned up at a crucial time, or a message of support has lifted me up. And I believe that it is through prayer that these miraculous things have happened, and I am deeply grateful.

Jesus talked about prayer in Luke chapter 18 when he spoke of the persistent widow and said to his disciples that they should pray and not give up. The 19th century poet Tennyson said ‘ more things are wrought by prayer, than this world dreams of’. This is such a powerful quotation, and inspires us that when we pray, God can change things for good.

We are not to make a spectacle about prayer, it is often a quiet occupation, just in our room in the beginning or evening of the day. Although we don’t always see the fruit of our prayer, when we get to heaven, we will have a better understanding. And when we see the majesty and goodness and love of God, we will be humbled indeed. Meantime, even though I feel spiritually battered and sore, I am so grateful to be carried by prayer, surrounded by love and so wonderfully blessed.

Gracious God, You have loved us since before the beginning of time. We are made in Your image, bought at a price through Jesus’ death on the cross, forgiven and set free. Yet sometimes we find ourselves in situations where we are enmeshed in things which pull us down and make us self doubt. Lord Jesus Christ, for all who are struggling, bring your healing grace, and minister to us by the power of your Holy Spirit. May the prayers and encouragement of loving people, bring restoration of identity and the truth that sets us free. Help us to persevere in prayer, through which God does amazing and beautiful things, Amen.

Why is trying to make the right decision so painful?

We want to make the best choice, the right decision. We look at things from every angle, we pray and wrestle, anguishing over each possible scenario.

I remember saying to God, I need you to speak to me really clearly, so I can hear. And He gradually loosened my calling in one direction, and placed new possible opportunities on my heart. I am so grateful to God for His great faithfulness.

I remember the psalmist’s words ‘In my distress, I called to God and He answered me and brought me to a spacious place’ Psalm 118:5. The truth of this promise is wonderful.

I am not complaining, but just noticing that even when you know something is the right way forward, it can still be excruciatingly painful. Letting go of a community of wonderful people, faithful and thoughtful friends, and joyful memories can be so hard. And in your worst moments you self question, feeling guilt that you have let people down, that you couldn’t fulfil what you desperately wanted to do.

When we make painful decisions, I think there can be a season of numbness and then lamentation. There are no shortcuts to feeling better. Sometimes you have to sit with pain and loss, to be honest about the sadness and to acknowledge it, before you can begin to process and hopefully eventually to heal. Like Job, we can have people who sit with us in our times of questioning and loss. Their quiet prayer and understanding can be an encouragement, and I am deeply grateful for all who seek to comfort and bless.

Gracious God, sometimes in life there seem to be no good choices, yet we still have to choose a path. May we always be attentive to Your voice Lord Jesus, and to follow the way of Your choosing. Give us courage when the pain of letting go seems too severe, and may we be open to Your Holy Spirit. Help us to know that after the heaviest rain shower comes radiant light and vibrant colour. May we mourn all that is lost, for the time that is needed, but find peace in that we have been obedient, and find hope for a new beginning.

Chrysalis gloop!

That Easter image of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly is inspiring. It is easy to think it happens quickly, and then you have a wonderful outcome. However it can take 7-14 days inside a chrysalis for this transformation to take place!

I feel as if I have been in a chrysalis for the last 6 weeks. It started off as an ordinary day, but then things started to change. God gave me a restlessness about my life, which developed into a questioning. At the same time, there was the beginning of a formation and call to something new. And this time of transition was confusing and painful and disorientating. I stopped blogging for a while, because so many things didn’t make sense. It was like a dark night of the soul.

That time in the chrysalis is dark and messy. I called out to God, asking for direction and guidance. Sometimes I was unsure, but as I prayed and read and pondered, my call to leave and then go in a new direction became clearer. I am so grateful to God for that clarity, as I was worried I would miss what God was saying.

I thought about Moses not being able to go into the promised land, and so commissioning Joshua to take the next steps instead.( Deuteronomy 31). Sometimes we need to stand aside for others to continue the work, however painful a decision that is.

I was in that chaotic dark place for a while, but God directed my manoeverings so I could emerge out into the light. I hope I have learned to trust Him more completely through this experience. I am still not sure exactly what will happen next, but I am at peace, and listening expectantly for the whisper of the Holy Spirit to speak once more. I am blessed and at peace.

‘ To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul, In you I trust, o my God.’ Psalm 25:1

Gracious and Eternal God, there is nothing new under the sun, and yet as your children we are surprised and challenged so easily when things change. We are put out and confused. And in your grace, Lord Jesus, you speak Your Word of Hope and Truth, and you call us to follow. Please may we always be attentive to your voice, even in the midst of chaos and confusion. And when we hear you, Holy Spirit, give us courage, to go in a new direction, and to continue to grow more fully into our God given self. In Jesus, name, Amen

Wimbledon memories!

Today I watched the men’s final between Carlos Alcaraz and Novak Djokovic. It was a good match, with some spectacular tennis.

One of the reasons that I wanted to watch this particular game, was because it reminded me of the same Wimbledon final last year, between the same two finalists. Last year it was a much more even match, and a brilliant battle between the mature Djokovic and the young Alcaraz.

One of the reasons that the 2023 match was so memorable, was because I watched it with my mum. She wasn’t so well, but was home, and we watched the match together. It was a lovely shared experience, drinking lots of coffee and commentating on all the twists and turns of the match. As it turned out, it was one of the last more ‘ normal’ things that we did together, and I will always treasure that as a result.

Cherishing each moment of life is such an important thing to do. It is easy to get lost in past memories, so much so that you forget to live in the present. We need to take the opportunities in front of us, as they are unlikely to come again. We value the conversation with that person, the walk in the park, seeing that show. Every moment is precious.

Jesus said ‘ I have come that you may have life in abundance’. John 10: 10b. We are not to let our appreciation of life to be diminished or snatched away, but to give thanks for all we have. I watched the tennis final today, honouring my mum’s memory, and making the time to do this, somehow seemed to help keep to connect more with her. It also reminded me to keep making choices in the present that bring joy, even if they are poignant. We are to have courage to choose things that honour God and bring life, every day we have.

Eternal God, this life on earth is so transitory compared with our life with You. Help us to live it well, and to seek your will. May our lives not be small, but expansive and generous. Lord Jesus, help us to be thankful for your love, for our families and friends, and to cherish our memories. Holy Spirit give us courage also to make new memories, and to love those around us, with the same abundant love that You have for us. Amen.

Staring into space…

Life can be so demanding- a never ending series of emails, phonecalls and activities. By the time you finish one item on your to do list, another 5 have popped up. It can be a relentless series of tasks and voices and responsibilities.

In the midst of it all, sometimes taking time out, just staring into space can be part of the answer. It is counter cultural- for a while not being productive or goal orientated or seen to be useful, but just to do nothing.

In his book ‘The Jesus way’ Eugene Petersen speaks in this way ‘we stop, whether by chance or through circumstances, so we can be attentive and receptive to what God is doing in and for us, and for others on the way. We wait for our souls to catch up with our bodies.’

These times of stopping can be in time out over the summer, or weekends, or daily practices of interweaving quiet moments into our day. Sometimes we take that time because of ill health or bereavement. It is time to slow down, to reflect and to take stock.

We know that in the ten commandments, in Exodus chapter 20, the fourth commandment is to ‘Remember the sabbath and keep it holy’. We are to make sure we have a day each week’ dedicated to worship, to rest and renewal. In our 24/7 culture however, people are under pressure to work longer hours, connected to technology which piles on the pressure, where people expect instant availability, answers and action. We get sucked into this culture, until we are in danger of losing our sense of self, our identity.

Taking a moment to challenge that culture can be daunting, but is essential. Even if we are just gazing into space, our body gets a moment of respite from all the stresses and pressures, our adrenalin and cortisol levels get a chance to regulate, and we can become less tired. The more regularly we have these quieter moments, the better for our bodies.

We also need still moments for our souls, to be able to connect with God more deeply, and to rest in His presence. The silence can be a time to hear His message of love and grace to us anew, to receive nurture, and discover new possibilities.

Making space just to be, can enable much to happen. However we make the space, just to pause and to catch our breath, and this in turn can enable us, when we are ready, to find a deeper rhythm of connection and to re- orientate to God’s purpose for us.

Staring into space, allows us a time to rest, to process our thoughts, to get in touch with what is going on within us. It helps us get beyond the clamouring voices and pressures of every day life, and to sit in stillness. This enables us to then hear the Holy Spirit at work in our lives, to experience love, healing and peace. We are thankful for a God who reminds us of the importance of rest, and we pray that this might be a priority in our daily lives.

Gracious God, at times our minds are so busy, trying to keep our email boxes under control, to live up to expectations, to fulfil our responsibilities. It can become a constant grind. Lord Jesus, in your earthly ministry, you took time out to pray and to rest. Teach us how to do this, without feeling guilty. Help us to trust that You, the God of the universe, can carry our burdens, and set us free from all that is heavy. Grant us moments of stillness in our daily lives, just to be. And in these quiet moments, may we learn to be attentive to your Holy Spirit and to your gentle whispers of love and healing. In Jesus’ name, Amen

A theology of photos?

I have been looking through photographs recently. I take a very large number of photos. I guess I am afraid that I will forget something significant, so I keep clicking! I learned from a photographer, that it is often by taking large numbers of photos, you get one that really resonates. My only problem is when I forget to delete the rest!

I am not particularly good at taking photos, and I just use my phone. However, I love remembering a lovely evening with family or friends, or an inspiring landscape, just after a storm, or the first rays of light over the horizon in the morning.

I am making up some photo books, and I love selecting photos connecting me with memories of people, travel and moments of transcendence. It might be photos of a children’s party, a church celebration, a butterfly that alights beside my chair. These photos elicit a deep feeling of thanksgiving and the richness of life.

John O Donoghue wrote; ‘ the wonder of beauty is it’s ability to surprise us. With swift sheer grace, it is like a divine breath that blows the heart open’. Quiet miracles can be captured in photographs giving us an eternal reminder of a divine encounter or revelation, that consoles and inspires every time we look at it. That can be the wonder of photography which truly blows the heart open.

One of the challenges is what we do with the darker photos- and I don’t mean the ones where we have forgotten to use the flash! I mean the photos that reminds you of when communication broke down, or the person was sick, or the mood was sombre. What do we do with these remembrances?

After much internal debate, I have kept many of these photos, and sometimes integrated them into bigger collections, for they also represent part of life. They speak of the shadow side of life which is equally real. We might not want to dwell on them too much, but it is part of our appreciation of what is loving and inspirational, that we also acknowledge the poignant and the sorrowful. A knowledge of the darker side of our lives gives a deeper appreciation of what is uplifting or joyful.

The verse from psalm 29:2 says ‘ worship the Lord in the beauty of holiness’. Noticing the beauty and goodness of God in photographic form, whether it is in the sparrow hopping about under a hedgerow, or a sacred time with a friend, or the companionship of your dog, is a great blessing. And photographs remind you of these blessings, and can bring much joy and consolation, for which we give thanks.

Gracious God, You give us such rich experiences in life, glimpses of Your love and goodness revealed in this earthly life. We are so grateful for memories- poignant and joyful, and all the intertwined connections. Lord Jesus we give thanks for the gift of photography, which can reinforce gaps in our fallible memories, and speak to our hearts. Holy Spirit, when we are ready, enable us to take time to look through old photos, and to give thanks. We pray for healing of old wounds, and ask for a deeper appreciation for the richness of our lives. Though the gift of photography, may our reverence for You be strenggthened, and may we remember and give thanks, in Jesus’ name, Amen

The courage to try, and the wisdom to reconsider!

Ever had a bucket list? Amongst other things I always wanted to try a segway. I guess it all started with an episode of Frasier, where Niles and the others have a lot of fun chasing each other and jumping on and off one. How hard can it be?

For me, the truth is very hard indeed. I went to the hire shop, where they promised me full training! A lovely patient man, I will call Simon, to protect the innocent, got me kitted out. The first problem was getting on. If you put your feet on with one swift movement, you were fine. If you hesitated, even for a second, the segway escaped, which was more than a little disconcerting. I had to practice jumping on it near a wall.

I got my practice session in the middle of a busy street. There were a number of people who stopped to watch, grinning widely at my antics, from a very safe distance. Going forward, you have to press with your toes. To stop, you press with your heels ( but if you press too much with your heels, then you go backwards!!!). I was terrified I would mow someone down, and my shrieks were heard half way down Michegan Avenue. My lovely instructor was very reassuring ‘many people start like this’ ‘ once you get in an open space you can go faster’ ‘ You’ll get the hang of it’. ‘ There are lots of hills so you need to gave good control’. He tried to catch me everytime I failed to turn round in time, or overbalanced.

After a while, he looked at me as I clung to the handle bars with a vice like hold, as I careered in the wrong direction yet again, and said the wonderfully welcome and gentle words ‘I think from a health and safety viewpoint, maybe this isn’t for you’. I tried to pause for more than a nanosecond before agreeing. If you put it like that, I would have to agree. Seldom have I been more relieved!

To try to regain a modicum of dignity, I decided to hire a bike instead. In comparison, this was a piece of cake, and I cycled along the lakeside for an hour.

I am a little sad that segwaying is not to be. I had a valiant try, and am pleased that I did have the courage to try a new thing. This particular new thing was not for me! Choosing not to pursue it was wisdom, for the health and wellbeing of the Chicago community, and to prevent me coming home with a stookie!

Gracious God, You often call us into new territory, to try different things. It can be hard, even with the most patient instruction. Thankyou for the ability to laugh at ourselves, and that you give us the wisdom to reconsider our path when the time is right. Lord Jesus, thankyou for Your patience with us. Holy Spirit give us discernment, even in the little choices in life, what to pursue, and when to let go. In Your precious name, Amen.

Chicago- full circle of memory.

I have wanted to return to Chicago for years. When I was young, I was an exchange student at the Divinity school at the University of Chicago for a term. It was a bit of an overwhelming experience, but I learned so much about myself and the wider world. Teachers like Martin Marty were thought-provoking about the place of Christianity in society, and also pastoral to their students. The incredible variety of students, cultures and theologies challenged me and made me grow in my faith. I am forever grateful.

When I was first in Chicago, I had just had a major bereavement, and I felt a bit hollow. I think I didn’t really have the language then to describe the dull ongoing ache. I conformed during the day, but when I had time to be in touch with my emotions at night it was harder.

The verse that was my encouragement then was from psalm 139 ‘If I rise on the dawn, even if I settle on the far side of the sea, your hand will guide me, your right hand will hold me fast’ verses 9 and 10. Even though I was on the far side of the sea, I knew God would watch over me in just the same way, holding me fast. And He was faithful, blessing me and nurturing and teaching me.

I learned from this experience and many others, that for me travelling challenges my suppositions, broadens my horizons and enlarges my understanding. Listening to different voices has made me be more understanding and compassionate. It reminds me that I am part of a global family, and puts the traditions and understandings of my culture into a bigger perspective. This is so humbling, and also refreshing. I am privileged to be able to travel, to learn and to connect and find joy! Coming back to Chicago has been grounding, as it feels as if I have come full circle. I am able to recognise more fully all I learned from this experience, and it also reminds me to encourage others to travel when the opportunity presents.

A windswept photo from all these years ago.

Through this visit, I have more insight as to how God has been working throughout my life, even when I didn’t understand it at the time, and have gained a more thankful heart. 🙏

Creator God, You are faithful to your people in every part of the globe. We thank you for the Christian family, expressing their love for You Lord Jesus in every continent and island, and for opportunities to learn from one another. Forgive us for times when your family fall out and quarrel, when there are divisions between us. May we realise more of what it means to be part of a world wide church. Even in our differences, may Your ministry of reconciliation prevail. Holy Spirit, may we be attentive listeners to You, and to one another, open to learning and to being more like Jesus, so others might know we are Christians by our love. In Your precious name, Amen.

Chicago- an aesthetic which inspires!

I have had the blessing of being in Down town Chicago over the weekend. I had been before, and thought I knew what I was coming to. When I was here before, it was many years ago in the autumn/ winter. What I found this time, however was extraordinary, an architectural inspiration that in the sunlight, brought delight round every corner.

I don’t have an architectural background. Despite this, I know the variety, abundance and scale of the buildings here are magnificent. There is every style imaginable, mainly well spaced, so you keep seeing them from different angles in every street. The newer contextual buildings are particularly individual and playful, and the engineering behind them, to make them stable in this windy city, is quite extraordinary.

Wandering the streets, and being on the river enabled me to appreciate many of these buildings. You want to know the time period, the architect and their vision, their purpose- to catch a glimpse of their achievement.

Doestoevsky once wrote ‘beauty will save the world’. I don’t know what he meant by that. As a Christian, I know that Jesus saved the world. Maybe part of what he was referring to, is that God gives us all a gift of creativity, to bless and inspire, and beauty can draw us out of ourselves, to just be in the moment and marvel. Beauty comes in different forms- in a song, a poem, a painting, in architecture. And when we are stopped in our tracks, and just look at something exquisite, just for that moment, some of our worries fade, and we feel as if we are experiencing a moment of transcendence, when we feel the presence of God. It is such a gift.

You might think this us a bit of an exaggeration! However I am trying to articulate why visiting here has been so moving. Chicago, like every city has many flaws and troubles. But on a gorgeous day, surrounded by such visual grandeur and variety, I found consolation which brought me peace.

‘God has made everything beautiful in its time’ Ecclesiastes 3; 11- it is wonderful to recognise beauty even in the most unexpected places, and to treasure it.

Creator God- You fashioned this world and all the stars in space, and called it good. As human beings, You give to us the gift of being creative- in song, word, art and theatre. Thankyou for all that reminds us of the richness and variety of our world, in texture and form and style. Lord Jesus, forgive us when we choose to destroy instead of create, to negate rather than to nurture. May we notice what is good and true and full of artistry, and give thanks. Holy Spirit, awaken us from our slumber to notice what is true and noble in our world, and to appreciate it and rejoice, Amen.