In-between times – times of turmoil!

Sorting is so demanding! I am in the middle of going through my possesions, getting ready to move, and at times it is overwhelming. There is so much to look at, and decisions to make about each item. I realise that I own too many things, and that I need to let many of them go. I know this process will have a good outcome, and that at the end of it I will feel lighter and more free- just not yet…

So many times in life, we trust that one day things will get better, but we have to be patient meantime. The in between bit is the tough time. We can feel a bit like Job, when so much was taken from him- his family, his health, his livelihood. We just sit in the dust, pondering why our life turned out the way it did. Sometimes there are no easy answers. It seems important to he honest, when we ask why? So much is incomprehensible in this earthly life.

Another bible character that had many questions was Joseph. He was sold into slavery in Egypt, was thrown into prison for something he didn’t do, and for many years was estranged from his family. Yet God used Joseph to help many during a time of famine, and in the end in chapter 50 of Genesis, Joseph says to his brothers: ‘ You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good, to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.’

Joseph must have experienced times of resentment and anger at what his brothers had done, and the unfair way he was treated. Yet with God’s help, over many years, he found it in his heart to forgive them. He didn’t let his heart grow bitter or hold a grudge. Later in his life, he had the opportunity to be reconciled with his family, and he rejoiced.

In life, we go through in between times- times of transition, letting go of the old and not quite sure what the new looks like. It can be unsettling and scary. I believe that Jesus sits with us in these messy uncertain times, and his presence brings consolation and hope. We are blessed, even when we understand very little. We trust that the best is yet to come.

Eternal Father, You are there at the beginning of our lives, and when we are ready to be reunited with You once more, You call us to be with You through the grace of Jesus Christ. We are so thankful that we can trust You for that amazing heavenly eternity. Meanwhile we live in the in-between, a time of messiness and confusion, questioning and loss. At times we just have to sit with it, to experience the heartbreak and pain. But this is only tempory. Holy Spirit speak to our hearts so even in times of turmoil, we can forgive, keep trusting, and can find peace. In Jesus’ name, Amen

Downsizing- the need to ask for help?

At the moment I am getting ready to move, and I need to downsize. I have discovered that I seem to have previously unrecognised hoarding tendencies, and also a plethora of items from other family members. My worst vice is buying books, often second hand, with an eye for a bargain, and a promise to myself that I will read it later. This great love of literature has not worked well for me in practice, for I have so many bookcases of wonderful but unread books. The challenge is now to release them back into the universe. It is so tempting to put these books into the box for the charity shop, and two minutes later sneak them back on the shelf. No wonder downsizing is slow work.

I think I need to become more ruthless in this regard. When I find a box of old photos, it is easy to become completely distracted and look at each one. I obviously haven’t sorted them before judging by the ones with thumbs over the lens, blurry ones, and ones I have no idea of where the grey landscape actually is.

The thing that really strikes me is that I have far too much stuff. The objects I want to keep are practical, or have sentimental significance, or are beautiful, but many things I have just casually accumulated, and need to be released. Some you hope will bless others, but some just need to go in the bin!

I am finding it exhausting- emotionally and physically and spiritually. There are times when I have even needed to ask for help. Trying to sort everything has been so overwhelming, people to help sort, wrap or take things away are invaluable. I am indebted to declutterers and friends who have supported me in this process. At times I prefer to be independent, and I have to learn again and again it is ok to ask for some one to help me work things out. A lesson for the whole of life, that in any healthy community, there are seasons for us to both give and receive, and that is ok.

A verse that is speaking to me a lot just now is that “God is not a God of disorder but of peace.” 1 Corinthians 14:33. From the beginning of creation, God loves to bring form and beauty out of nothing. Out of the darkness, the holy spirit brings life and harmony and peace. In a way, clearing the clutter and letting things go, seems to mirror the creativity of God, and in the space there is opportunity for new beginnings and priorities, even a new way of living.

Our enviroment can make a big difference as to how we feel. If we have stuff everywhere, it can weigh us down and feel oppressive. Clearing, sorting, reorganising, letting go, can be liberating for our soul. With that vision to inspire, meanwhile I need to go through another box………..

Creator God, You have made the heavens and the earth, and they are a beautiful interweaving of light and shade, with geometric patterns of colour and form. We are in awe of You. Lord Jesus, forgive us for our greed, that we have too much stuff, that we covet things we do not need, and are weighed down by an excess of unnecessary objects. Grant us courage to let things go, even though it is painful. When things seem overwhelming, may we have the courage to ask for help. Enable us to be content with less, and more generous in our sharing with others. Holy Spirit help us let go of what we no longer need, and to create space where something new can be birthed. In Jesus’ name, Amen

Getting around in a car park!

There are some things in life that should be straightforward, but are just not! Getting in and out car parks is one of them.

Recently I inadvertently ended up in an underground car park. It was just the nearest and most visually obvious place to park. However once I entered, the first challenges began to emerge. They were doing some building work in the car park, so part of it was closed off, and the entrance now comprised a narrow route down involving a hairpin bend. The problem was once you were through the entrance, you were committed to going further. I had to reverse and realign a couple of times, helped by a cheerful man nearby who was stationed to help unsuspecting drivers struggling with the angles. It was just a bit stressful, to say the least! I ended up breathing in to get round some of the bends, which I know doesn’t make the car narrower, but psychologically seems to help.

Then when I got to the car park itself, the temporary route was against all the arrow signage, so it always appeared that I was going the wrong way. And there were hardly any parking spaces vacant, and the ones there were, were beside these enormous concrete pillars that take up half the space. You are trying to get into the space, without crashing into the pillar, or having the back of the car out in the exit lane, and not to be squint. It was like torture. I breathed deeply, took it slowly, and eventually parked, carried out my chores, and breathed an enormous sigh of relief when I eventually made it out into the light with myself and the car in one piece.

In comparison with the trial and tribulations that people face in life, this was a trivial problem. But it did remind me that God cares not just for the big dilemmas and heartbreaks, but also about the smaller details of our lives, and we can trust Him for it all.

I love psalm 31 where it says ‘ I trust in You God. I say ‘ You are my God, my times are in your hands’. Whatever is happening in our lives, good or bad, big or small, we can entrust them all.into the hands of God. What a relief. Hallelujah!

Gracious God, thank you that You are our Guide and Helper, in the big challenges in life, and in the small frustrations. Lord Jesus, we can trust in Your unfailing love, even when we are grumpy and out of sorts, when we are scared or overwhelmed. Thankyou. Help us to trust You in every moment of our lives. Holy Spirit, give us calmness and courage to do things that are take us out of our comfort zone, and to keep on going. In Jesus name, Amen

Caring for the sparrow.

I was sitting yesterday, and I heard a sudden noise, which turned put to be a small sparrow which had flown into a glass panel. There was a small puddle of fluid around him, and he just lay down in shock. He was so still he looked as if he was not breathing. Just in case, I pulled up a chair to give him some shade.

Eventually, he sat up, and he tried to fly but although he could flap his wings, not much happened. He rested some more, and then took off, only to go straight into another glass panel. He looked dazed all over again. I put some water near him, and he rested for an hour or so, before getting all his strength together and flying away.

I was so glad he made a recovery, and hope this injured bird is now flying freely with his friends. What struck me was how engrossed I became in this drama, which took hours, and how much I cared for this injured sparrow.

In the Bible it says in Matthew 10:29 ‘ what is the price of two sparrows- one copper coin. But not a single sparrow can fall to the ground without Your Father knowing it.’ NLT We are told that God cares about the life of every sparrow, and of every human being. He knows even the number of hairs on our heads, and loves each one of us.

If only we really understood this simple truth, and treated each person with reverence, with respect, with dignity. Watching the terrible loss of life and suffering in the Middle East, in the Ukraine, in the Sudan and so many other lands, the destruction and cruelty caused by human beings makes you sick. How do we ever justify such conduct? How can conflict become so normalised, that we barely notice any more. We become desensitised to it all.

Yet everytime God reminds us of His nature, of One who is good, loving, kind, just, compassionate a God who longs to bring healing and reconciliation in our hurting and broken world, even in the devastation and the ruins, we are inspired to live for Jesus. We pray for peace, we seek what is good, we support that struggling person, we give to that charity, we choose when to speak and when to be quiet with wisdom. We pray for the Holy Spirit to cleanse us from apathy and lethargy, and to choose to do His will. And we pray that the ripple effect from this spiritual uprising of prayer and love will make sure that every person receives the care and attention they need, even as that humble sparrow. May we never give up on this vision of the very kingdom of God.

Gracious God, we remember Jesus looking at the suffering of the people in Jerusalem, wanting to gather them up as a mother hen gathers her chicks, but they were not willing. God of goodness and compassion stir up our souls out of our indifference, soften our hearts, and help us to feel again with your tender love. May we not be satisfied with the status quo, but always strive for your will to be done. Holy spirit encourage us, even if it is just to take a faltering step each day to show prayerful compassion and thoughtfulness to those we meet, and those whose painful stories we are all too familiar with. As You care for the sparrow, may we also love all those in this hurting world, Amen

Acknowledging negative bias!

When we look back at memories, we often remember what went wrong, rather than anything that went well. We might have had a good journey, but the thing that most comes to mind was that we almost ran out of petrol. We might have had a lovely coffee with a friend, but the bit we dwell on was that there was a draught from the door. We often fixate on the bit that was less than perfect or even almost went wrong!

Scientists speak of how our brains naturally have a negative bias. It is something primal, so we don’t overlook something that is a potential threat or danger. We tend to see the world through a distorted lens.

This makes the understanding and narration of events so difficult, as they are always interpreted through our own perception. If we are aware that we can at times over emphasise the negative, then the repair is to be thankful. The psalms are full of calls to be thankful. ‘ Give thanks to the Lord for He is good’ psalm 107;1 .Part of the prayer The Examen, is to spend time at the end of each day noticing the good ways God has been at work in our lives, and this is indeed a healing thing to do.

To add another twist in this however, is that sometimes we are so busy trying to be thankful, that we characterise something difficult or damaging through rose coloured glasses. We make excuses for things, we try to see the best in people, where actually the darkness is deeper than we thought. Having this realisation I think is one of the saddest place to be.

The Bible talks of us all being sinners, and that we all are called to be honest about our failings and shortcomings. This is liberating, as because of the cross, God offers us forgives for our wrongdoing. But when we realise how rebellious we are as a human race, what our capability to destroy is, it is salutary, as we all contribute to what is wrong in the world.

Jesus calls us to live in balance- yes to be aware of the darkness, but also to choose to live in the light. As we get older I think this is more difficult, as there are so many shadows. We ask the holy spirit to help us. If we have a tendency to negativity, then we pray to notice what is good and hopeful. If we think the world is always a lovely place, may we ask for insight as to the heartbreaks around us, so we may play our part to bring consolation and healing to those in pain. May God give to us all the grace that we need for whatever circumstances we find ourselves in, so we can console as well as being consoled.

Eternal Father, You have created this to be a beautiful and inspirational world, with a myriad of colour and form and texture. There are seasons in our lives when we are off balance, especially when we are noticing only the negative and the cruel. Lord Jesus call us out of the darkness, remind us of all that is noble, true, beautiful and good, pure and lovely. May our attention dwell on these, so that our soul is healed. May your Holy Spirit touch our lives and rekindle our love though an outpouring of your joyful abundance of love, that we be reminded of our true identity in You, and learn to dance in freedom once more. For your precious Son’s sake, Amen

Anniversaries- empty rooms and heart!

Bereavement is not just about emotions, although that is core. You go through a relentless rollercoaster, coping with shock, sadness, anger, thanksgiving, questioning, remembering, reflecting, and then doing them all again. But there are also practical things to do, such as clearing a house, which is such an enormous task.

Today is a first anniversary, and it feels so heavy. A mixture of memories and practical things to do. And I have been working on finishing clearing the house, which has been a privilege. I have found childhood toys I had long forgotten about- triggering so many memories. And there have been old photos, letters, things of sentimental value buried at the back of drawers. You feel a bit like a detective!

Seeing rooms gradually emptying is a painful necessity. You forget how physically demanding it is, and resting, regrouping and asking a friend to help can be key. You know the work needs to be done, but emptying the room is like losing the person all over again. I always take lots of photos before I start, so I remember. Letting go of personal effects, of clothes, of furniture is excruciating, as there are so many memories attached to each one. I have taken some items back to my house, but I try not to take too many- there are too many boxes in the hall already!

I guess in life, we need to let go, to make space not just for the future but to live in the present. Clothes and furniture can bless others, houses need to be lived in by new families making new memories, and that is a comfort. Life goes on.

In Ecclesiastes chapter 3 it says that – ‘There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the sun’. Later in Ecclesiastes 3 it also says that God has made everything beautiful in its time. The secret I think is to trust him, to lament in our sorrow, and then in time to embrace what is new. May God give us grace to honour past memories and relationships, and as we cherish them, also to find courage to find our new path.

Eternal God, it is hard to say goodbye, as we let go of possessions and places of which we have special memories. They embody people we have loved, and their loss accentuates the pain. Yet Lord Jesus, we cannot keep the world the same. You call us to come and follow, at times to shake the dust from our feet, and prepare for new adventures. May we treasure every moment, for life is fleeting. Holy Spirit, remind us that every day is a privilege, every moment can be beautiful, an opportunity to live, love and to bless. May we find courage to go forward even when our hearts are still heavy, in Jesus name Amen.

Carried by prayer!

Recent weeks have been tough. I have had to change direction in my life, and although I know it was the right thing to do, I am grieving over the people I miss, and the calling I love. It is a desert time.

Yet in the midst of my sadness and loss, I have been so encouraged by the people who have been thoughtful and prayerful. I am so grateful for people’s understanding and compassion. I am so tempted to judge myself, that I appreciate when others don’t make my burden heavier by their critical spirit. Every prayerful, gracious response has strengthened me.

It reminds us as a community to be kind to each other. When some one is struggling, then taking time to pray can just make such a difference. Even in my sorrow and questioning, I feel carried by prayer. Sometimes the right person has turned up at a crucial time, or a message of support has lifted me up. And I believe that it is through prayer that these miraculous things have happened, and I am deeply grateful.

Jesus talked about prayer in Luke chapter 18 when he spoke of the persistent widow and said to his disciples that they should pray and not give up. The 19th century poet Tennyson said ‘ more things are wrought by prayer, than this world dreams of’. This is such a powerful quotation, and inspires us that when we pray, God can change things for good.

We are not to make a spectacle about prayer, it is often a quiet occupation, just in our room in the beginning or evening of the day. Although we don’t always see the fruit of our prayer, when we get to heaven, we will have a better understanding. And when we see the majesty and goodness and love of God, we will be humbled indeed. Meantime, even though I feel spiritually battered and sore, I am so grateful to be carried by prayer, surrounded by love and so wonderfully blessed.

Gracious God, You have loved us since before the beginning of time. We are made in Your image, bought at a price through Jesus’ death on the cross, forgiven and set free. Yet sometimes we find ourselves in situations where we are enmeshed in things which pull us down and make us self doubt. Lord Jesus Christ, for all who are struggling, bring your healing grace, and minister to us by the power of your Holy Spirit. May the prayers and encouragement of loving people, bring restoration of identity and the truth that sets us free. Help us to persevere in prayer, through which God does amazing and beautiful things, Amen.

Why is trying to make the right decision so painful?

We want to make the best choice, the right decision. We look at things from every angle, we pray and wrestle, anguishing over each possible scenario.

I remember saying to God, I need you to speak to me really clearly, so I can hear. And He gradually loosened my calling in one direction, and placed new possible opportunities on my heart. I am so grateful to God for His great faithfulness.

I remember the psalmist’s words ‘In my distress, I called to God and He answered me and brought me to a spacious place’ Psalm 118:5. The truth of this promise is wonderful.

I am not complaining, but just noticing that even when you know something is the right way forward, it can still be excruciatingly painful. Letting go of a community of wonderful people, faithful and thoughtful friends, and joyful memories can be so hard. And in your worst moments you self question, feeling guilt that you have let people down, that you couldn’t fulfil what you desperately wanted to do.

When we make painful decisions, I think there can be a season of numbness and then lamentation. There are no shortcuts to feeling better. Sometimes you have to sit with pain and loss, to be honest about the sadness and to acknowledge it, before you can begin to process and hopefully eventually to heal. Like Job, we can have people who sit with us in our times of questioning and loss. Their quiet prayer and understanding can be an encouragement, and I am deeply grateful for all who seek to comfort and bless.

Gracious God, sometimes in life there seem to be no good choices, yet we still have to choose a path. May we always be attentive to Your voice Lord Jesus, and to follow the way of Your choosing. Give us courage when the pain of letting go seems too severe, and may we be open to Your Holy Spirit. Help us to know that after the heaviest rain shower comes radiant light and vibrant colour. May we mourn all that is lost, for the time that is needed, but find peace in that we have been obedient, and find hope for a new beginning.

Chrysalis gloop!

That Easter image of a caterpillar becoming a butterfly is inspiring. It is easy to think it happens quickly, and then you have a wonderful outcome. However it can take 7-14 days inside a chrysalis for this transformation to take place!

I feel as if I have been in a chrysalis for the last 6 weeks. It started off as an ordinary day, but then things started to change. God gave me a restlessness about my life, which developed into a questioning. At the same time, there was the beginning of a formation and call to something new. And this time of transition was confusing and painful and disorientating. I stopped blogging for a while, because so many things didn’t make sense. It was like a dark night of the soul.

That time in the chrysalis is dark and messy. I called out to God, asking for direction and guidance. Sometimes I was unsure, but as I prayed and read and pondered, my call to leave and then go in a new direction became clearer. I am so grateful to God for that clarity, as I was worried I would miss what God was saying.

I thought about Moses not being able to go into the promised land, and so commissioning Joshua to take the next steps instead.( Deuteronomy 31). Sometimes we need to stand aside for others to continue the work, however painful a decision that is.

I was in that chaotic dark place for a while, but God directed my manoeverings so I could emerge out into the light. I hope I have learned to trust Him more completely through this experience. I am still not sure exactly what will happen next, but I am at peace, and listening expectantly for the whisper of the Holy Spirit to speak once more. I am blessed and at peace.

‘ To you, O Lord, I lift up my soul, In you I trust, o my God.’ Psalm 25:1

Gracious and Eternal God, there is nothing new under the sun, and yet as your children we are surprised and challenged so easily when things change. We are put out and confused. And in your grace, Lord Jesus, you speak Your Word of Hope and Truth, and you call us to follow. Please may we always be attentive to your voice, even in the midst of chaos and confusion. And when we hear you, Holy Spirit, give us courage, to go in a new direction, and to continue to grow more fully into our God given self. In Jesus, name, Amen

Wimbledon memories!

Today I watched the men’s final between Carlos Alcaraz and Novak Djokovic. It was a good match, with some spectacular tennis.

One of the reasons that I wanted to watch this particular game, was because it reminded me of the same Wimbledon final last year, between the same two finalists. Last year it was a much more even match, and a brilliant battle between the mature Djokovic and the young Alcaraz.

One of the reasons that the 2023 match was so memorable, was because I watched it with my mum. She wasn’t so well, but was home, and we watched the match together. It was a lovely shared experience, drinking lots of coffee and commentating on all the twists and turns of the match. As it turned out, it was one of the last more ‘ normal’ things that we did together, and I will always treasure that as a result.

Cherishing each moment of life is such an important thing to do. It is easy to get lost in past memories, so much so that you forget to live in the present. We need to take the opportunities in front of us, as they are unlikely to come again. We value the conversation with that person, the walk in the park, seeing that show. Every moment is precious.

Jesus said ‘ I have come that you may have life in abundance’. John 10: 10b. We are not to let our appreciation of life to be diminished or snatched away, but to give thanks for all we have. I watched the tennis final today, honouring my mum’s memory, and making the time to do this, somehow seemed to help keep to connect more with her. It also reminded me to keep making choices in the present that bring joy, even if they are poignant. We are to have courage to choose things that honour God and bring life, every day we have.

Eternal God, this life on earth is so transitory compared with our life with You. Help us to live it well, and to seek your will. May our lives not be small, but expansive and generous. Lord Jesus, help us to be thankful for your love, for our families and friends, and to cherish our memories. Holy Spirit give us courage also to make new memories, and to love those around us, with the same abundant love that You have for us. Amen.