My laptop’s memory is full!

I have had some technical difficulties in recent weeks. I dropped my laptop on the floor, and the hinge is damaged. And I have received lots of warning notices, that the memory is full, and so now none of the updates are happening, and it is refusing to save my documents.

After consultation, I have had to buy a new laptop. To fix the hinge was going to be expensive, and I had had the laptop for many years. I couldn’t work out why the memory was so full- I defragmented it often, and i thought i was taking care of it. On investigation, it turned out it was photos from my old windows phones that were taking up all the space. I need to go through them, and let go some of these photos.

The whole exercise has left me with questions about the past and present and future, and how they all relate. Photos can remind us of past events and people and so are to be cherished. They capture moments in time, that are so precious. Yet they can also remind us of darker times and experiences. What do we keep? We keep the amazing photos, with happy associations. But the others- do we keep them because they remind us of the truth, or let them go because they are too painful?

In Psalm 90 verse 12, the psalmist says ‘Teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom’. Our lives are fleeting, we want to live life to the full. How do we gain wisdom? Our past is something we learn from, and this learning can guide our steps in the future. Yet if we dwell on it too much, it can also imprison us and pull us down. How do we find a balance, so we can remember and learn, but in such a way that the past doesn’t determine our future.

My first practical step is to go through my photos, and edit that number down considerably! But I also need to prayerfully ask God to help me give thanks for all my memories, and to ask for healing for the darker recollections. I want to learn, then to let go, to make space for new experiences and direction. May we not get stuck, but find the freedom we seek now and in the future.

Gracious God, You want to bring us to a spacious place of light, but we so easily clog things up with memories that unsettle and disturb. Lord Jesus, You love us, and you know every detail of our lives, every event, every person met. Please help us to give thanks for all that is edifying, and to prayerfully reflect on, and release to you difficult moments and experiences from the past. Through the power of your holy spirit, cleanse and heal. Lift the heaviness from us, teach us to forgive and be forgiven, so we can dance once more in freedom and in joy. Show us what to do, and how to live well in the present, and to build for the future, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

Mandisa- an appreciation.

The death of Mandisa, age 47, just last week, is so tragic. She was such an inspirational and beautiful Christian woman. She was known for being on American Idol, for her Grammy award winning music, and her courage in singing about her faith with such honesty and courage.

I discovered her music during lockdown, and there was a song for every occasion. Her song ‘Overcomer’ is so powerful, that even in the worst times, there can be hope, and to keep fighting. In the darkest days, remembering that in Christ we can be overcomers, helps us keep going.

Another song that really spoke to me was ‘We all bleed the same’. It is a fantastic song pleading against injustice and hatred, and reminding us that whatever our divisions, we all hurt in the same way, and calling us to fight for love. It is worth the whole world listening to this every day!

And then there is ‘ What scars are for’- reminding us that even our scars can be used by God, and our stories can bring healing. Mandisa was honest about her struggles and her vulnerability, and this encouraged so many.

These are just a few of her songs- others such as Just cry, Comeback Kid, Keep Getting up, speak to our souls, helping us to get up out of despair and heartbreak, and to find strength in our faith. Mandisa inspired so many with her strength and perseverance and hope, expressed through her musicality, incredible voice and relatable lyrics. We are so grateful for her life, passion and faith! May she rest in peace.

Gracious God, we are so thankful for all creative people, artists, singers and writers for they way they enrich and bless our lives. You inspire them though Your Holy Spirit, to encourage and strengthen your people. Lord Jesus bless all whose lives so reflect Your light and love, and help us to give thanks and pray for all whom have been called to these important ministries. May we honour their lives, and watch out for one another in sincere and supportive ways. Hear our prayers, Amen.

6 years- tears still fall…

It is now 6 years since my husband died. He was a veteran, who was invalided out of the military because of his head injury, which resulted in poorly controlled epilepsy. He struggled with ptsd symptoms, guilt and neurological decline. It was an arduous and painful journey.

I thought after 6 years, things would be better, and I would be more at peace. God has carried me through the darkest days, and there has been healing, and He has sustained me through a gracious and prayerful community round me.

However I think the sense of injustice around his injuries, and his suffering remain deep. Like so many veterans, his injuries and symptoms made it almost impossible to receive the support he needed, even if it had been available. Isolation, a complex woundedness, and harrowing memories all mitigated against healing.

In the midst of it all, signs of Colin remained- a tremendous loyalty, a generous spirit, a dry sense of humour, a quest for justice. Life with Colin was never boring! But his emotional pain simultaneously caused enormous frustration, rage, resentment and rigorous self questioning, that left him in turmoil.

As I look back, I am thankful for all I learned, about epilepsy, disability, ptsd symptoms and moral injury. I heard so many of Colin’s stories of active service, I felt I had lived them too, and it helped me inderstand better.

But it motivates me to ask what can be done to better support those who are struggling in their own personal hell of traumatic memories and disabilities? How can we as a society be more aware, better informed, more compassionate. The very people who need the support the most, are often the very last to come forward. For some, it is already too late…….

This is a pleas for all who are on the margins, who don’t fit the conventional definitions and or conform to institutional orthodox medical pathways. How can we see and build bridges for the hurting and maimed, the brutalised and despairing?

The bible verses that have most resonated with me recently have been from Isaiah 42:3 ‘ a bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not extinguish. In faithfulness, He will bring justice.’ Jesus Himself quoted from this prophesy in Matthew chapter 12: 20. For the battered and bruised, for those abused and badly treated, there is a recognition of woundedness and a tender love offered, which can be a step to healing, for those able to hear, a tentative possibility of hope.

I am deeply thankful for all who have so patiently and lovingly supported myself and my son in all in these years. Your listening ear, kindness and prayers have lifted us up and given us courage. But for those today, still wrestling with trauma, rage, disability, feelings of betrayal and profound sadness, may there always be people willing to go the extra mile to support and listen and love. God have mercy on us all.

Father God, You are the source of all love and goodness, You look upon this planet with a desire for our good. Yet we so often mess up, and hurt one another, and get it wrong. And there are so many casualties, people who feel alienated and isolated, traumatised and disturbed, who desperately need healing and peace. Lord Jesus Christ, forgive us when we disparage and judge others, when we walk on the other side of the road, and ignore their cries. Bring healing to our society, so we turn towards the hurting with a willingness to come alomgside one another, and to show mercy and understanding. Holy spirit be with those today who have lost hope, who are struggling, and those who walk with them. May there be a spark of light and connection, which can bring them back, or even make their journey more tolerable, just for a moment, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

‘Spots of time’

Last week, I managed to escape to the Lake District, to Dove Cottage in Grasmere. It was the home to William Wordsworth and his sister Dorothy from 1799, and then later to the wider family. It is in the most besutiful setting, near the lake, and nestled amongst the most beautiful and fantastically shaped hills and crags. It is such a memorable and peaceful setting, and well worth a visit.

I studied some of Wordsworth’s poetry at university, Lyrical Ballads, a collection of poems published with Samuel Coleridge in 1798, and then some of his other poems, especially the Prelude. Wordsworth defined poetry as ‘ a spontaneous overflow of powerful feeling. It takes its origin from emotion recollected in tranquility’. So much of his poetry was about finding joy and meaning in ordinary rural scenes, the inspiration of nature, and the power of the imagination.

In the midst of all this, he also spoke of ‘spots of time’ and of how childhood memories can have a lasting influence our formation, transcendent moments that often carry joy and meaning. The idea is a glorious one, of significant moments that speak to us of the eternal.

For me this visit to Dove Cottage, and to sit at Wordsworth’s desk, to remind me of his poetry, was so meaningful, because it connected me with my student days, and also a family visit made there 20 years ago. These were good memories, that brought solace.

It is so good to reconnect with the past at times, and to join with Paul in ‘ giving thanks in all circumstances’ 1 Thessalonians 5:18. There is so much to be thankful for, and in the lyrical setting of Grasmere, a deep awareness of the presence and power of God are almost tangible. I give thanks for all poets and writers, musicians and playrights, who inspire us and challenge us to appreciate the gift of our surroundings, of memory, the imagination and of beauty.

Eternal God, You endow us with the gift of life, which is so precious, with the joy of family and friends, of nature and connection. We thankyou for time to slow down, to read and to contemplete and to reflect. Lord Jesus, we praise You for inspirational writers and creative people who inspire us to notice all that is significant, even in little things, and to see Your hand at work in our world. Holy spirit, you often bless us with ‘ spots of time’, moments of extraordinary realisation and even communion with You. May we be ever attentive to the loveliness and joy possible to discern in our world, Amen.

Easter- personal resurrection!

Easter is such a deeply significant time of year. It is a time of mystery, and brings a message of love, forgiveness and hope- things we so desperately need in the world today.

One of the things that challenges me continually, is how to best understand the connection between the historical event 2,000 years ago, and the Christian faith today? I guess that there are lots of different ways of doing this, and I want to share my experience this year.

I knew that Lent would be tough this year. The 40 days remembering Jesus in the desert, a time of temptation and questioning, is a searching time. This year I had personal and professional challenges all intertwined, and I prayed for God to guide me and give me strength. It was a rollercoaster period of dealing with upset, change and grief.

God saw me in the midst of it all, and the verse that kept coming back to me was was Matthew 12:20 ‘ a bruised reed he will not break, and a smouldering wick he will not snuff out.’.

Sometimes we can feel a bit bashed and bruised by life, a bit fragile. Jesus understands, because in the time before his death on the cross, he was isolated, misunderstood, betrayed and bruised in body, mind and spirit.

The thing that kept me going in Lent, was the coming of Easter Sunday, the day of resurrection. For after the devastation and darkness of Good Friday, came the day of resurrection, a testimony of the power of God to bring Jesus back to life, and that the door to eternity was now open to all who place their trust in Him.

For me, this is not a theoretical idea, that is remote but comforting, but a living reality. After the turmoil of Lent, our Risen Lord comes to us individually, and calls us by name, and gives us the strength and inspiration to go on, with a new joy and peace. He brings us our own personal resurrection! So wonderful and so much needed. As we trust our Saviour, so we see He is doing a new thing in our lives.

If you have been finding life tough recently, and you have struggled, look to Jesus. He is forgiving and merciful, and wants to lift us out of the darkness, onto the Rock, and to give us a new song to sing- a song of hope and joy. May we let go of all that burdens us, and be open to learn the words of this new song of praise and to dance to this new beat!

Gracious God, at times we can feel numb, overwhelmed by sadness and difficulty, feeling bruised and battered by life. Risen Saviour, we thankyou that You understand, for You have walked the path of rejection and pain, and yet on the cross, You spoke a message of forgiveness and love. In your beautiful and mighty Resurrection, we find hope, so we can experience our own personal resurrection. May we find beauty for our ashes, joy instead of mourning, praise instead of heaviness. Holy spirit, heal our soul bruises, and rekindle that spark of life within us, so we can burn brightly for you once more, experiencing the joy of personal resurrection, Amen

Trapped by a giant puddle!

The other day I went to the shops. It sounds deceptively simple- but it was raining, not unusual in Glasgow. This photo doesn’t capture the reality of the situation that I faced, but basically when i parked and got out the car, I didn’t realise until too late, that I had stepped into a giant puddle. My shoes were soaked through in seconds! And i was just starting on my journey!

I bought the things I needed to in the shop, and approached the car once more, with my solution focussed thinking hat on. If I went back to the driver’s door again, I would have the gigantic puddle/ flood to wade through. So, using my smart thinking, I decided to go through the passenger door. What a mistake that was!

The first thing that went wrong, was that I was carrying my shopping bag, so I had to place it on the floor to get round it. Then the gear stick seemed to have become much larger, and impossible to manoevre round. The strap of my handbag got entangled in the gear stick, which almost decapitated me, and the bottom of my coat got stuck in the door, and for a while I thought I may never escape! I had to become a contortionist to eventually manage to clamber into the driver’s seat, by this time laughing so hard at the absurdity of my predicament, that tears were rolling down my face. Fortunately it was getting dark by then, so I am hopeful that my struggles were not widely witnessed.

How come the most ordinary of things, can become so ridiculously complicated? Whether it is forgetting your keys, catching your sleeve on a door handle, dealing with an unresponsive laptop, or being confronted with a giant puddle, the possibilities for things to go wrong are endless.

For me, apart from my natiral ‘ Mr Bean’ like qualities, it is also grief. Sometimes when you are grieving, it is like everything around you goes wrong- the email goes to the wrong person, the washing machine floods, all the light bulbs blow. And the stress of grief on our bodies, causes us to forget, to worry, to be low energy, to be more likely to fall or feel unwell.

In psalm 145 verse 14 it says” the Lord upholds all who fall, and lifts up all who are bowed down.’ I am so grateful that when God sees our earthly struggles, He looks upon us with love, and He picks us up, and strengthens us, and sets us on the right path once more. We all need some one, to help untangle us when we get in a fankle, and to set us straight. Even in the most outrageous predicament, God is patient with us, and guides us, and helps provide a good way through.

Gracious God, sometimes we are grieving and broken hearted, and it feels as if the whole world conspires against us, even in the mundane practicalities of the day. Lord Jesus, thankyou that You look upon us with love and compassion, as You see the messes we get into. When we are entangled in things that weigh us down, holy spirit, gently release us, and set us free. Remind us that life won’t always be this heavy, and that one day the rain will stop. Meanwhile, Shelter us in Your love, snd give us the stamina and patience we need, as we navigate the practicalities of life, Amen. .

You were not afraid, so we are not afraid……

Today, was a sombre day for many reasons, but one of them was because of the funeral in Moscow of the Russian opposition politician Alexei Navalny. It had been difficult to organise the funeral, as churches and burial grounds were told not to co-operate. Only his parents could be there, not his wife or wider family. Russian citizens were warned not to go to the church or burial place, amidst threats of reprisals and intimidation against unsanctionned gatherings.

It was therefore so moving, that despite the very real threats, thousands of people turned out, many carrying flowers or candles. Some were able to pay their respects in the church, others just stood outside or in a nearby queue. There was a heavy security presence, which must have been so intimidating, and you pray that the people present will not be targeted by the security police in the days and weeks to come.

One of the chants from the crowd today was so powerful, when people said ‘ you were not afraid, so we are not afraid.’ Alexei Navalny chose to go back to Russia, even after an attempt on his life by Novicok poisoning had already taken place, because he believed that Russia could change for the better, and that there could be reform and freedom. He campaigned for human rights, and on an anti- corruption platform for many years, and somehow, even in an artic penal colony, he still dreamed of something better. Navalny chose to go back to Russia, although he knew the risks, and he was not afraid.

There are so many people, known and unknown, who have had the courage to stand up for what they believe in. They take risks and speak out, because they believe that this is the way to change the world, and we so admire their courage,and that in turn gives us strength.

In the bible, it says ‘ Do not be afraid’ at least 365 times- people say once for every day. To be honest, we are often afraid, scared about what might happen, worried about loved ones, anxious about many things. We are often scared, but God gives us strength to go ahead anyway, to find the inspiration to take the next step.

May the untimely death of Alexei Navalny, and his courageous and unflinching example, inspire us to live more purposefully and with more strength, and to campaign and be advocates for those unjustly imprisoned. May we never take our freedom for granted, but use it well, for the glory of God, and the wellbeing of all.

Gracious God, we are so saddened at the sudden and needless death of Alexei Navalny, some one who courageously campaigned for a better future. We see his determination and courage. We see the defiance of the crowd who came to pay their respects at the church service and Borisovskoye cemetry, even though they risked their own lives to do so. Lord Jesus, Your Kingdom is a place of light and justice and love, and we long for freedom and justice across every part of our world. Help us not to be afraid, but to do the right thing, to pray, to speak out, to do what we can. We thankyou that where the Holy Spirit is, there is freedom. Free us from our chains, and all that binds us, and help us live lives of prophetic authenticity and of courage, for your Son’s sake, Amen.

Never give up!

Flowers in remembrance of Alexei Navalny

The death of Alexei Navalny in Polar Wolf penal colony in Russia on Friday 16th of February is such an outrageous and unecessary act of violence. His case symbolises the plight of so many political prisoners in penal colonies and prisons over decades, who suddenly and mysteriously fall ill and die.

Over the weekend I watched the excellent documentary on BBC i-player Storyville on Alexei Navalny and his wife Yulia, after his poisoning with novichok in August 2020, and the investigative work done to prove the very intentional plot to kill him.

I dont know the intricacies of Navalny ‘s life, whether in his younger days, his coalition to expose Russian corruption was too broad, or whether he was too direct in his approach. However what I saw was a man who boldly led an anticorruption campaign and had a belief that human rights and freedom should be an essential part of every state.

His courage in going back to Russia, even though he knew he faced imprisonment or worse, was colossal. He was sentenced in July to another 19 year prison sentence. He loved his country, and wanted it to change for the better. He was composed, calm and displayed a sense of humour that demonstrated no fear. He was separated from his wife and family, which was an immense sacrifice, but he believed in what he was doing.

Alexei Navalny spoke of coming to some kind of Christian faith in 2021, and again we don’t know all the details of this, but so many of his words and actions spoke of the need for transparency, honesty and freedom. And his willingness to keep speaking out, whatever his circumstances is so inspirational.

Navalny made a short speech, to be used if he died, and he said two things- first that people should never give up. That this has been taken to heart, is seen by the people laying flowers in Russian cities, when they risk being dragged away and arrested by the police.

The other thing he said were the words from Edmund Burke ‘ the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for good men ( people) to do nothing.’

These are challenging words. We need to act for political prisoners through Amnesty International, and to pray and campaign for religious freedom through organisations like Christian Solidarity Worldwide. So many are persecuted or imprisoned, not just in Russia but around the world. May they never he forgotten.

Gracious God, we think of Jesus proclaiming the words from Isaiah 61, that he came to being good news for the poor, to heal the broken hearted, and to set the prisoner free. Father God, we are shocked at the death of Alexei Navalny, and pray for those involved in his death to be brought to justice. We thank you for his immense courage, and dedication to see a better world come into existence. We pray for his widow Yulia, and their children. For all who are unjustly detained this night, may your Holy Spirit minister to them, and bring protection and encouragement. And may we be willing to pray and to speak out for those illegally detained, and may they be set free. May we persevere in this important work, Amen.

Lent, loss and love…..

It is Ash Wednesday today, the beginning of Lent, the period leading up to Easter. It feels like a very meaningful time in the Christian calendar, a time of reflection and musing.

The traditional idea of giving something up at this time, has some substance, as in giving something up like- mindless tv, too much sugary stuff, bad habits, and helps us to experience a cleansing. When we make space and time in our day, we can then chpose to embrace something positive- to listen to God, to pray differently, to read more, to exercise, whatever we most need.

There is a pattern to life, and often loss, giving something up, voluntarily or involuntarily, takes away all our defences, and leaves us exposed. We see the worst about ourselves, the full depth of our sin, our selfishness and rebellion.

But then when we are naked in the desert in the unrelenting heat, God comes to us, and opens up for us a spring of water, a moment of relief and renewal. He helps us wipe off the dust and dirt, and gives us energy and life. His tender love revives our soul, and brings hope. But we have to experience the loss first, to explore the reality of our pain and hurt, before we truly can appreciate the mercy of God, and the promise of resurrection that is eventually filfilled.

Now, we are just at the start of our journey. God call us to be searingly honest about our lives, our disasters, but also to notice the moments of grace, fragile hope in a dark and hurting world.

Literature often helps us express our feelings, not just about our own situation, but the concerns of an age. In 1867, Matthew Arnold wrote a poem called ‘ On Dover Beach’ about how the sea of faith seems to be receding, and towards the end he says ‘ here we are as on a darking plain, swept with confused alarms of struggle and flight, where ignorant armies clash by night.’ There is a sense of melancholy, that the Victorian age was a time of change and uncertainty, and the Christian faith was becoming diminished in its influence.

We can maybe identify with this. Although Chrtianity is expanding elsewhere, in Europe and north America, it is challenged by secularism and materialism and greed. It can make us feel isolated and downhearted. But desert times in our faith are allowed for a purpose, and we hope we come though these times of testing and temptation, to emerge with a new hope, and strength and capacity to love.

Gracious and Eternal God, it feels like a time of testing in the world just now, with war, greed and inhumanity being so prevalent. Yet when we are alone, with everything stripped away, we see anew what is important, for Lord Jesus, your love is at the centre of all things- it give us meaning, hope snd purpose. Holy spirit speak to us in this time of lent, reveal to us what to relinguish, to make space for what is better, and what is life giving. May this season be meaningful and transformative, and over time, prepare us for all that is to come.

Reconnecting with purpose

I am thankful for everyone who bought books and gave donations for my book ‘Love songs for healing and hope.’ (available on Amazon, and directly from Handsel press). I wanted just to say that since the book promotion evening in November, the amount raised so far is £400 each for the charities Quiet Waters and Richmond Hope. An additional £100 was raised each for Epilepsy Connections and Community Veterans. Thank you to everyone for their generosity and encouragement.

In the first months of a new year, i feel God calling me onwards. I feel privileged to tell my husband’s story, and to also seek to encourage those who are carers, who are traumatised or grieving. There seems so much sadness in the world, connection and telling our stories in safe places seems more important than ever.

Sometimes we wonder if we can ever make a difference. I am so flawed, and get things wrong so often- it can be so dispiriting. Then I remember the story of the widow in Mark 12:42-4. She gave two mites as her offering- a very small amount, but she gave all she had, and Jesus saw her generous spirit. Sometimes we do what we can, and it seems so very little, but if we prayerfully commit it to God, we pray that somehow He can use it to help others, and for His glory. This story reminds us that every small thing we do has significance and matters.

Our purpose on earth is to live in God’s love, and to share it with all around us. If we can find ways of doing this, opportunities to connect and serve and love, then we need to take them. None of us knows the number of our days- every day is a gift, so may we use our time well, and spread the love of Jesus in every way we can.

Gracious God, we see the heartbreak and suffering in this world, the pain of illness, the rawness of grief. Lord Jesus, in the midst of it all, you bring healing, reconciliation and hope. Call us, use us as your servants to do what we can to share in your ministry, through creativity and prayer, listening and sharing our stories. Holy spirit, help us to bring encouragement, to help just one other person each day, so they know that they are not alone, and that God sees and loves them so much. May we live out your purposes each day, and find peace as we do so, Amen