Trusting God again and again!

Sometimes it is hard to trust God. We know He is faithful, good and full of loving kindness. We know all the right verses- ‘Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways submit to Him, and He will make your paths straight.’ Proverbs 3: 5-6.

Yet in the moment, when things go wrong and we are hurting, we can’t always see how God might be working. It can be hard to see anything, except to experience the pain and the sadness.

Yet God is so patient with me, and keeps inviting me to trust. Yesterday I had an airport connection to make, but the first plane was late leaving. By the time we landed, my next flight was already boarding. I was waiting to leave the first plane, but everything was so slow- the vehicle to take us to the terminal building seemed to go at 5 miles an hour. And my mind was spiraling- I’m not going to be able to run fast enough to get my connection, I will miss my flight, I will be stuck at the airport for days. I was just getting agitated thinking of all that was about to go wrong. I rushed out the bus to the next security barrier at full pelt.

My ticket set off an alarm, which took me to customer services. I tried to explain what had happened in an incoherent torrent of words. And the poor man behind the desk looked at me in a kindly way, and said ‘ we saw you’ on the system. We are putting you and your bags on a later flight. It is all fine. And sure enough, there was another flight a few hours later, they upgraded my seat, and all was well.

What a lesson in trust. Not just in an airline, but in God. When things don’t work out it is easy to catastrophise- to think that it is a disaster. But sometimes a situation can be salvaged. And we are completely dependent on a God who sees us, and makes provision for us. It doesn’t mean that things don’t go wrong- of course they do. But God sees, and call us not to use our energy to worry and speculate on things going wrong. Rather to just know we need to do our best, then relinguish control, and to trust. I need to learn this lesson three times a day!

Gracious God, as your children we worry and fret and question. We often don’t understand. Lord Jesus, in the midst of it all, You call us to take your hand, and to believe that you can save us in the midst of turbulence and storms. Help us to listen for your voice- to hear what your Holy Spirit has to say to us, and to be calm and to trust that all will be well. When under pressure, may we take a breath, submit to You, and know that in living or dying, all is well. So may we not fear or worry, and every day learn to trust You more, in the deepest places of our hearts, Amen

Leaves falling- sadness and peace!

Amazing colours but sorrowful silhouettes

After the torrential rain, there have been some gorgeous bright autumn days. 🍂 The blue skies have contrasted with the vibrant colours and textures of the leaves, creating a visual feast.

In Ecclesiastes it says that there is a time for every season under the sun, and each one helps us appreciate the others. I have always loved autumn, as John Keats said in his ode ‘a season of mist and mellow fruitfulness.’ It is a time of slowing down, of noticing, of appreciating things past.

It is the eve of my book promotion ‘Love songs for healing and hope!’ At SGT Church of Scotland, Buchanan Street tomorrow. As I prepare, I re-engage with past memories, which still stir within me sorrow and pain. Memories of my late husband’s struggles with being an injured veteran continue to resonate deeply. I think if only things had been different….

Yet I know this is the wrong road. I need to accept all that took place, but learn from it, and pray it helps me be a wiser more compassionate person, better equipped to listen and to support others. ‘ Love songs for healing and hope’ is a devotional resource book to share these insights, in the hope it might help another human soul acknowledge how tough it can be to support some one with a disability in life, and how difficult it is to come to terms with guilt and grief in death. It aims to offer healing and hope to all who are weary in their struggles and pain.

It is now over 5 years since Colin died, and subsequent bereavements keep causing the wound to be re-opened. An additional dimension is added by the tragedy and heartbreak in our world just now that exacerbates our feelings of horror at all that is wrong with the world.

And yet, as the trees let go their leaves, there is beauty. As the tears fall, sorrow is expressed and occasionally assuaged. As we learn to accept what has taken place, we realise we have no control over many things, and find a deeper peace.

Life is so very rich, and so we ask God not to abandon us in our sorrow, but to help us see and explore possibilities of formation and new life in the time to come. It might not seem real right now, but one day, maybe we will look back and see things differently.

Eternal Father, our Creator and Source of all life, we marvel at the universe, the movement of the stars, the changing night sky, and we are humbled. Lord Jesus, at times you call us to let go of past expectations and dreams, and that hurts so much, but then we are also called forward, to trust that You are doing a new thing. Holy spirit, may we surrender to Your will, and receive your peace, so we can then in turn bless and encourage others, in Jesus name, Amen

Lent- a howling in the night!

I have been pondering much in recent days. I think that first steps in the desert is maybe one of the worst, most challenging part of the journey, because it is new and unfamiliar. Being in the desert at night, hearing the rustle of an ibex in the acacia trees, or the sound of hyenas in the distance and feeling vulnerable is a scary experience. That is when your imagination works overtime, and you can fear the worst.

Dealing with new situations generally can be like this. There is a deluge of new facts and information to deal with, and we have to reorient ourselves. It takes a lot of energy and focus. In times of transition in our lives, when things are changing on different fronts simultaneously, it is easy to get overwhelmed.

In the darkness in the desert, the most innocent of sounds can be built up in our imagination. We can become paralysed with fear, pumped full of adrenaline, hyper aroused, waiting for the next noise, working out if it is near or far, and what kind of threat it might pose.

In these times of disorientation and fear, we remember that God is with us. In psalm 3 verses 3 and 5, ( NLT translation) it says; ‘But You O Lord, are a Shield around me, you are my glory, the one who holds my head high. …………… I lay down and slept, yet I woke up in safety, for the Lord was watching over me.’

In the night, when we cannot sleep, and our thoughts run riot, we remember that God is our Shield and Protector, that he keeps us safe from the predators of darkness. And in the light of morning, we see things more clearly, our fears diminish, and our trust in our Faithful God is renewed. May we pray.

Gracious God, sometimes we fear the terrors of the night, and we need to be reminded that You shelter us under the protection of your wings, and that You keep us safe. Lord Jesus forgive us that we so quickly become worried and fearful. Help us to remember the words of psalm 91, that you will protect those who trust in You. Help us not to focus on the scary sounds of the night, but on Your faithful promises. In times of change and challenge, may your holy spirit help us to take a breath, to refocus on your love and truth, and then to confidently take the next step in our journey. For Jesus sake, Amen

Possibilities of peace…

I wonder how your Christmas 2022 is looking. It has been another topsy-turvy year, with so many changes in every aspect of life, whether the war in the Ukraine, or the rise in prices, economic pain and strikes. Financial pressures cause family strain too, and we seem to be adapting all the time. It can be overwhelming.

We put ourselves under pressure too, hoping for everything to go well over Christmas. We want the food to be good, presents to be right for that individual, for everyone to get on. But with the best will in the world, it just isn’t always like that.

Sometimes in the midst of it all, we just need to draw breath. We cannot make everything ok, but we can find peace in the Christmas message. That first Christmas was far from ideal, a long journey, no where to stay, giving birth amongst the animals. But all these things were nothing in comparison with the long awaited Messiah, the Son of God being born. Imagine hearing his first cry in the night, and knowing he was finally here. What a miracle, what joy and peace.

So in the midst of our stresses and busyness, may we take a moment to breath, and to ask God to fill us with His peace, the deep peace that comes from.the Prince of Peace, and then we know that all will be well.

Gracious Father, You sent Your precious Son into this world, to rescue us from sin and darkness, to bring us into your wonderful kingdom of light and love.

We are often restless and stressed, trying to do too much over Christmas. Forgive us. May we let go of what is unimportant, and to focus on the good and the inspirational. Even though the empty chair brings much sadness, may we find courage. Help us pause, and to find peace.

Holy child, Jesus Christ, king of Kings, may your birth bring us a deep peace that can come only from the Prince of peace, the deep peace of the running wave and the flowing air, of the quiet earth and the shining stars. May the peace of the Christ child be in your hearts and homes this Christmas and always, Amen.

Overload- one thing too many!

My goodness, I can’t believe that Christmas seems so close! Decorations are up in house windows, shops and streets. The lights are symbols of hope in dark days, and in many ways are welcome, however early it seems.

However I think there are mixed feelings for those who mourn, a desire to look forward with hope, alongside an awareness of the strain of missing a loved one, and feeling that no one else understands. You can be making plans, but some one us missing, the landscape feels different everything jarrs, if there is a Christmas card that never arrives, an empty chair, and a deep feeling of loss. Outwardly things might look very similar, but inside the feeling is different. People are often doing their best to help, and you don’t want to hurt their feelings. So you try hard to go through the motions, whilst nursing a broken heart.

We know the comforting bible verses inside out – ‘ God is close to the broken hearted, and saves those who are crushed in spirit.’ Psalm 34: 18 and sometimes it is ok to stop filling our time with being busy, to pause, to let the hurt bubble up, and to weep. It is honest, and that is often when we feel God the closest, when we tell Him of our pain.

When we try to push the pain down, and don’t acknowledge it, that’s when we go into overload. It means that we overreact to unforeseen frustrations, pressures at work, the unexpected bill, the driver who cuts out in front of us, the ill judged words of a friend. Sometimes it can just be one thing too many which sends us into a tailspin. We are trying so hard, it doesn’t take much to derail us.

If we are hurting this Christmas, for whatever reason, a broken relationship, ill health, disrupted plans, the loss of a loved one, it is ok to take time to be with God and to cry out to him. He notices our every tear, and brings us comfort and grace, reminding us that we are never alone, and that our cries are heard. If we are able to slow down, and talk to God about our sadnesses, He can minister to us, and this is when we find the strength and the peace we need.

Gracious God, You search and You know us, before even a word is on our tongue, You know what is on our hearts. Forgive us for the times we pretend everything is alright, as sometimes we deceive even ourselves. We get so overloaded and so frustrated, short tempered and upset. Lord Jesus, come alongside us, and speak Your Word of truth, the truth that sets us free. Help us to know it is ok to be real with You, and with trusted loved ones. Help us through the power of your holy spirit, to find safe places to lament and to be real, so that we can find that healing and centredness we yearn for. Grant peace to all who are anxious about facing Christmas by themselves, and may they find that Your love will encircle and strengthen them, Amen.

A wistful emptiness

Anniversaries and birthdays of those no longer with us.

Today would have been Colin’s birthday. The date is etched in my soul forever. But what happens when the person is no longer here? For most people, it is just another date in the calendar- of no special significance. Yet for the people left behind, you are marking the date with the key person missing. There is no one there to open the cards and blow out the candles, There is such a mixture of emotions, sadness, thanksgiving, guilt and a longing for things to be otherwise.

Listening to other people’s experiences of loss, the guilt of remembering a significant date, is that other people think you should have moved on by now. As the years go by, in some ways, part of you does process things differently, but I think there is still a feeling of profound sadness.

In some situations of grief, feelings are exacerbated by the circumstances of a loss. Very often people choose not to talk much about these, as they can be distressing, and as a society maybe we need to make more space for people to talk more honestly about the messiness of it all.

At the risk of repeating myself, I find it hard to come to terms with what happened with Colin, as it was so unjust, and involved so much suffering, over decades. His head injury led to a long term degeneration through poorly controlled epilepsy. It was hideously painful to witness.

My consolation comes from my faith, that even in the darkest, most bleak and challenging days, God was with us. God blessed Colin with the knowledge that he was loved, even when nothing made any sense.

In psalm 86:15 it says: ‘You, Lord are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, and abounding in love and faithfulness.’

I understand when people question where God is, when something awful is happening in their life, the illness of a child, a gradual loss of faculties, a painful treatment. Watching someone you love suffer is excruciating.

Yet in the most tearful circumstances, there can be a moment of lucidity, a glance of understanding, a loving connection, that can be transformative. And the power of prayer to help find meaning and hope can never be underestimated.

I just want to write to encourage people to know no-one is alone, even when we have bad days, or when we question, or when it all seems too much. We need to find people we can trust to talk to, even if it is to say the same thing for 100 times. There are some days on which that is just what it takes.

Gracious God, on the outside all looks well, but You see into our hearts- the painful memories, the regrets, the lament- why did it have to happen that way, why did that loved one suffer so much? Lord Jesus, you understand us, for You suffered at the hands of others, when it didn’t need to be like that, and You come alongside us with compassionate eyes and cascades of grace. Holy spirit, lift from us our pain and grief, and help us remember the moments of beauty and trust and love, that transformed even the hardest times. And on days like today, bring healing and a sense of peace, Amen.